and so this is christmas.
you and your big gestures swept me off my feet. again.
but he tried too and to be one of the best was never good enough for you. i know that, always did. and so i tell you your gift was the best. it really was. the big label glorifying your loving thoughts, the tag that told me you loved me – not in so many words, but that’s how i took it. i know you love me. and it’s not just the price of swarovski crystals you bought me or the loving, foreign words you sprinkled your card with that tell me the depth of your love. but it’s the start. eveything must have a start, right?
but there were horrible gifts too, like Y getting me a present that passed for a gift noone would ever need or want or could even give if they cared only a little. that atrocious figurine should have been my pride and joy, but it’s hideous, badly painted eyes boring at me sadly, the black of the pupils grey as if the paint ran out. and as if the mass-produced piece of rubbish that it was wasn’t enough to knock me off my feet and sent me flying, Y signed the card always sincere. not love or yours or even all the best, but always sincere, in his holier than thou manner.
now, this wasn’t him and it wasn’t you, but once upon a time, before you came along Y meant everything to me that you do now. it’s odd to think you replaced someone, right? it’s odd because you’d never think it possible that i ever had a hole that needed filling with love and care and tenderness. and still, that’s true. Y just never really knew, which is why he left. left me bereft.
it’s ok now though, he has a girlfriend – pretty blond-looking thing. they get on fine and we still talk. that’s important, don’t you think? you have your Y too, thought it’s more of a V. that’s ok, i understand that. but you dont talk to her. somehow i think that’s almost better, because the memories stay where they should – buried in the distant shadows of the past. things like this never last and Y will lose me one day. that or maybe it’ll be the other way round – me losing him, still trying to cling on.
i’ve been known to be clingy in the past. they slated me for it so i let myself loose. now i’ve tied down two guys – you and him. you must understand that Y doesn’t count – he’ll have his own life, the bliss of conventionality i could not allow myself. not even on christmas day. i phone him first – my boyfriend whom you know as X – and then i call you and love you more than i ever thought possible.
allow me just this.
my late-night christmas gift.