i wonder if i’ve gone crazy in the last couple of months, assuming that everyone but me is wrong, at least a little wrong in their perception of life. maybe it was i who was wrong, who pushed people to the brink, making them close up like a venus trap. then again, maybe it was them. hey, who knows. all i know is, things seem so much different these days.
take X for example.
called him today – we’re going ice-skating tomorrow you see. i wasn’t going to mourn your going away by sitting at home thinking of how much fun you must be having listening to all those people talking in a language so much more fluid than mine, with much sexier accents than mine, their much sharper features than mine making you fall in love with them.
so yes, as i was saying… i called him up just now, a little while ago. we have just finished the conversation in fact. didn’t expect much from that phone call really. you know how it is – no substance, pauses stretching into what seems like eternity, that sort of stuff. but that wasn’t it. that wasn’t it at all. he talked so well, so freely, as if he wasn’t the boy i used to know at all. as if he wasn’t the reason i turned to you for conversation and understanding in the first place. as if he changed. as if i changed him.
it’s strange, you know, i can almost picture a happy ending with him.
not quite bliss, but something close.
mutual awareness of the world around us.
yes, i can see it all – the galleries, the parties, even the nights in. i couldn’t see that there before. maybe because i didn’t believe.
but what changed?
so we talked for an hour, me and him. it wasn’t forced as usual, it wasn’t difficult on either party. it was comforting.
with you gone, if only for a little while, i know i can now put the effort into me and him. there were times i thought i could avoid it. there were times i resented him for even being there, but he cares. as do you of course, but you won’t be there, so your eyes won’t have to witness my betrayal.
enjoy your trip to france, boy.
if only for a little while