10. very nearly our year. but not quite.


it’s odd to think i’ll be leaving this year behind so soon. it was a year of growth, of pain and happiness and love. i almost want to do a flashback to all the key moments of the last year, to relive them again, to go back and breathe the fresh air of the park in the summer, when me and Y laid there looking at the clouds.

i want to go back to the valentines day that was a bit of failure, but still beautiful in its simplicity. to relive the moment when one man asked me and Y “are you two together” and how i flashed him my most striking smile and, laughing ever so slightly, said “kind of”. it was so complicated and simple. but that was then.

i want to go back to the phonecalls me and Y would have. maybe that record 3 hour 22 minute conversation when we first said that we loved each other. we didn’t mean it, not then, but it was a magnificent moment still. i don’t know if that was this year or last, but hey, it’s there somewhere. it’s in the memories attributed to Y and this was his and my year. very nearly our year. but not quite.

you know, boy, me and Y had spent so much time hiding. there was one time in the park when we saw someone we knew and we immediately split up, trying to act casual, not managing, but still getting away unseen by him.
or that time when everyone kept asking us if we were together and i, twiddling the ring he gave me, laughingly told them that no, we were not going out. and we weren’t.

a little way into our friendship, that was closer than platonic friendship could ever be, i told Y not to ever ask me out, not to ever put me into position of having to refuse him.
i wouldn’t change that if i could. it wasn’t that i wasn’t ready to commit, i just wasn’t ready to commit to him.

and now this year is nearly over, i recount those memories and love them.
love them because they bring me happiness in knowing that there was a time i loved, and in knowing that, i know i’ll love again.

—————————————————

cras amet qui numquam amavit quique amavit cras amet
‘Let those love now, who’ve never loved; let those who’ve loved, love yet again.’

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4 responses to “10. very nearly our year. but not quite.

  1. moondustwriter

    Poignant my dear. Life is a bit of everything isn’t it – laughter, pain, sorrow, joy!!! 2010 is going to be A year for all those things.
    Toasting 2010 in with you

  2. the almost-romance… secret hidden love… ready to love but not ready to let others know you love, or perhaps not even that, perhaps you aren’t even ready to love but you found yourself there anyway.. you write this in such a relateable way.. it could be our own memories

  3. mmm… i think i live for the memories and it’s such a way to live! no regrets, no insatiable pain at what could have beens, no goodbyes. living for the memories is what i do best. love the fact you can relate – that’s what i try to do (:

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