13. maybe you can change that when you come back

you’re still not back. or maybe you are, but i was not told of your return. i sent you a text last night. it’s not that i really missed you when you you were away, it’s just that i want you back here already. i’d like to pour out some thoughts at you, criticise a few people, gloat, get mad at you and then realise that is what i was expecting of the conversation all along – the quiet notes of sarcasm, the audible longing to be mine, the comfortable pauses you for some reason want to fill in. why do you want to fill them in?

yesterday i thought i’d get to talk to you at last. it’s not even that i’d hoped for it, no, i expected it. it was virtually a given. but no.
so i spoke to Y instead. i called him, of course.
he did call me the day before, around eight at night, but i was asleep then, the sheer exhaustion of the past few days tiring me out ot the point that i never woke up from my hour-long nap, or at least not until the next morning.

it’s strange to think he meant so much to me. he doesn’t really now. i talk to him, hell yeah, but that is it. i can’t imagine him being in my life again, his selfish ways, his trying to be what he isn’t, his race issues. no, i could not deal with that again.

but you. could i deal with you?
i’m not quite sure of that either. you’re so complex, you yearn for so much. you’re just like me.
and X is uncomplicated. simple. easy to understand. easy to deal with.
i guess that’s why he’s in my life.
i guess that’s why i’m still holding on to the dream that never was.

maybe you can change that when you come back.  
and maybe, just maybe, you can’t…


6 responses to “13. maybe you can change that when you come back

  1. You know, this reminds me of all those times when we hope, and so want to hope some more, but in order to protect ourselves against dissapointment and hurt, you retract that hope. It’s sad, but strangely enough, it’s part of loving. The risks we run.

    Very sincere! Very touching!


    • thank you so much for the comment. i’m glad you enjoyed it.
      i just try to put the feelings on paper, hoping that those words may bring someone something they were lacking. understanding, maybe, interest, hope, joy, whatever.

      so, once again, thank you. ;) i’m glad my ideas are not futile :)

  2. Good points, I think I will definitely subscribe! I’ll go and read some more! What do you see the future of this being?

    • well, thanks :)
      and that’s the thing – i’m not really all that sure as to what will happen. every time i think i’ve solved the issue, the issue takes on a different dimension – something changes, often my feelings or ideas, and then i’m back at the start…

  3. a lot of half-realizations here.. funny how there are some people that we want just to soothe a moments ache and then there are those few that we need for a substantial happiness… such a big crater between those two things.. i have a Y, oh yes i do.. can’t quite cut it off even tho i know he’s all wrong for me.. and an X… the one that never quite was and filled me with so much wanting over what.. over nothing… and I’ve had the ‘you’… the ‘guy right now’ that wants to make it into something but i found my passion has turned into a dried up river and i keep waiting for the waters to be released… oh yes, this writing hurts, a quickstep into analyzing motives in relationships i’d rather keep ignoring.. damn good writing

  4. hmmm. it’s true, we all have our Xs and Ys and “you”s, but what i’ve learnt trhough this is that one ought to never ever give up on what they love, they have to try and try and try and battle for what they think is right and sometimes we all go in circles, sometimes we retrace steps back, but we must never give up, never admit defeat.
    passion can be reborn if the will to make something of it is there. i think if there was no “you” i’d have made it into something so much different with X and if X wasn’t there, me and Y would still be preventing each other from finding happiness, or even looking for that happiness we all strive for in the end.
    thank you for your honesty – always reassuring to know that other people relate, understand, live just like you.


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