20. i’m no mad doll, just a run-of-the-mill one

yesterday marked five months since the day i became X’s girlfriend.
on paper at least.
and it’s kind of scary in some strange way how long that is. for me, in any case.

it was just like any other day.
we didn’t even speak on the phone: he didn’t call and i had other people to speak to. i may be dependent, but i’m a free woman, or rather girl, still. and the funny thing is, i don’t think he even realised how frustrated and trapped i was feeling until this morning, when i decided that our anniversary (or in the very least, the day following it) ought to go out with a bang.

i had a perfect excuse, not that i really needed one, but hey. he was meeting up with a girl who blatantly likes him, behind my back. and when i say likes him, i mean likes him a lot.

she never told me that she did, but it’s evident. not just to me, to others too, and you know that. you were the one who suggested it in the first place. 
she talks about him, like he’s her boyfriend and not mine. and that’s alright. i don’t mind.

in fact, generally, i’d welcome such turn of events, ignore it or maybe gossip about it for a bit, but today i felt like drama. and not just any drama, but a argintinian-style melodrama, where every nuance is outrageous, where shock is everything and truth is nothing.

and that’s what i always wanted my life to be like, ever since i watched “Wild Angel”, or rather “Muñeca Brava”. i wanted to transform into that fearless heroine, that mad doll who’d always get what she wanted, no matter the cost. who actually knew what she wanted. who knew how to live.

but i realise i’m no mad doll, just a run-of-the-mill one, trying to be unique. still, what does it matter?
for a moment in my life, albeit a fairly brief one, i thought it counted who you were, but it doesn’t really. what matters is how well you can pretend you’re something you’re not. and i do that well.
a million different smiles, looks, mannerisms.

and so we fought. bitter words. silent anger coursing through viens. his. mine. 
but i know before the night falls, he’ll want to be in my arms again and i resent that fact. 

i resent resenting him and resenting me.
but that’s the way it’s gonna be.


3 responses to “20. i’m no mad doll, just a run-of-the-mill one

  1. Asian Butterfly

    hello, ive seen your blog via fiveloaf’s blogroll and thought i should pass by…

    this post is kinda heavy, it reminded me of a relationship that took me a year to let go and three years to move on…

    be well

    – Asian Butterfly

    • hey :)
      well, first of all, thank you so much for commenting. i suppose it is quite depressing, but i think strong emotions are the best way of expressing one’s feelings.
      things like your relationship are the ones that make us stronger, leaving memories and bringing new hopes :)

  2. J.Alfred Prufrock

    Hey Glittering…for your blogroll-http://ladypandorah.wordpress.com/
    Both excellent writers who post regularly, and give thoughtful and engaging feed back.
    Check them out if you wish, … but could you please not publish this comment, as the blog goons will tell you it is against decorum to link to other sites. (Which i’m not doing, i just think you and they may be simpatico…so check them out)

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