21. someone who i don’t want enough to love


resolution is still lost. questions posed, answers comatose.
and one question haunts me, a bat out of hell. 
why can’t i just say to X you know what, boy, it ain’t working, so lets just pretend that this never happened and walk out of each other’s lives. how bout that? 

but that’s a stupid question. and though i have to look deep inside myself for the answer, i know why.
i’m both cruel and wicked at times, and yet, my heart is not made of glass and his puppy eyes always stop me in my tracks of obliterating his dreams.

and it’s driving me crazy, this enforced entrapment by one single look. this fear of kicking to death someone who’s already down.
and i tried to say goodbye over the weekend, but he wouldn’t let me.
it’s like he sensed it coming, texting me, writing e-mails, calling persistently, telling me that we’ll get out of this rough patch and be as happy as we once were. he even got his friend to write me a message to ask me to give it one more shot. and tough i didn’t believe him that we’d be happy, because i never felt happy with him, it was too much effort to turn away and never look back. it was too much of something i didn’t have.

so, here i come, still in chains: never his, still not yours, tied by rules and conventionality to someone who i don’t want enough to love.
still a hunter, a white tigress on a prowl for her next piece of meat.

i may be wounded, but i’m not dead.

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4 responses to “21. someone who i don’t want enough to love

  1. sometimes it is plain absurd when faced with a situation like this and i totally agree with you- you took the words out of my breath..

  2. I’ve been through this feeling and it sucks!! I don’t know much about relationships but i think you should walk out of this relationship… It seems wrong to be with someone but not love him… I don’t know… I mean no offense… Just advising! :)

  3. This just grabbed me!

    It’s that thin line we hear about and know about. Like a bad habit you know you should kick…

    You’ve captured it beautifully hun! So touching.

    x

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