23. he knows. he just doesn’t believe it


nearly a week now since me and X broke up and ironically, i think it hurt me more than him.
i could barely speak about it. i still barely can. and people’s reaction didn’t help. they always knew it wasn’t meant to be, even if i was fooling myself otherwise. they always waited for that day when i’d say enough is enough.

well, they didn’t have to wait all that long.

but i’m glad. i’m glad that at last, at long last, i’ve been true to myself and let him go.
no, not even let him go, made him go.
i had to do it right, boy? i think so.

and so, now, you’ve got me. not in the way you want me, but you’ve got me still. 
but u’re unlucky too, because i’ve promised myself that no, i shan’t rush into another cage, having just broken out of one. and why should i? you make a case and i might just agree to belive those slivers of silver lies.
but freedom’s a solid bar of gold and i lavish that feedom of choice, that freedom of speech, that ability to do things without thinking about someone else.

and yet i still think of him when i do things.
what would X say? how would he feel? what is he doing now? 
yet still i know, i needed to let him go. and he still wants me back. not so much now, but the first three days were hell: he’d make me feel like i was the most atrocious creature to have lived on planet Earth.
i know i’ll never take him back though. i’ve told him this. he knows.

he just doesn’t believe it.

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10 responses to “23. he knows. he just doesn’t believe it

  1. moondustwriter

    Oh – I came by to visit and say high and bask in the beauty of your writing. The expression is excellent and drives to the heart.
    Excellent and poignant
    Have a gr8 weekend – go play in the rain puddles of life!!!

    • awww, well thank you for the support *grins happily*

      and i think i may just take your advice and go searching for that rain at the end of which there will be not only puddles, but also a rainbow. :D

      still, mind you have a wonderful weekend too ;)

      xx

  2. i do agree in alot of things you say and i guess relationships has its pains considering i am also stuck in a very peculiar situation and hmmm… well, what can i say- just console ourselves to cheer up!

  3. This is beautiful.xx

    Read it and couldn’t help but smile at the hope and yet uncertainty of the words. Or perhaps, uncertainty and yet hope…

    Beautiful.

    x

  4. compleximplicity

    i did this same thing last year, there is hope in doom and doom in hope, you never really win but if you take every step with a smile, freedom from emotional turmoil eventually overcomes the doom :-)

  5. Good grief this hits home. Sadly it’s been a bit longer for me (3 months) and sometimes, usually when I’m tired, I find myself thinking about him. I knew the relationship wasn’t healthy but I still find myself missing him. I’m glad I’m not the only one whose mind wanders to her former love.

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