Monthly Archives: March 2010

in our Father’s grace

Blunt metal zip opening a whole new world
With
Sounds of three letter words shining through exclamations
As if to beckon God our Father closer
With
A mantra of his name 

The organ’s nothing but a guitar strumming somewhere
Behind the pew
The first three chords of Ave Maria
Or the last three;

Were I to ask, you would agree
That it’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard
Though it’s not played all that well. 

That music carries nothing but the breathing of your prayers
That I should never stop.
Composed, I stumble into your Holy place
Still humming hollow melodies in our Father’s grace.

35. we parted with a soft beep and a stone upon our chests

have you noticed we always have this thing of bringing up the pain before we part, as if we need that food for thought in seperation?
and late at night, when lights are off, we lay there in deep silence engulfed by other person’s hurt, forgetting ours so well. and every shadow on the wall from passing cars or people we see from our beds is just another memory of me and you and this.

last night i laid there recieving the night like hapless counterpart, ill all day, i was happy to recline back in my bed, my throat like partched white paper, both inside and out. and your voice was like my savior, a ray of sunlight in the realm of the shadows, as i listened to your every syllable over the sleek grey phone, loving and unloving every word.

but one phrase or maybe more snapped a tight elastic around my heart, that forbidden line where the predator in me sleeps, and the rush of blood to the head roused me. containing the beast within me as best as i could, i asked you not to talk about it again. but you did and i snapped outright, a lion roar echoing in the enclosure of my room.
and then i told you the bitter truths.
and then i had to go.

and at midnight, we parted with a soft beep and a stone upon our chests.
in my realm, nightmares followed.
in yours, a silent thought of me.

it never ends!

Y tengo un corazon

and nothing more
and nothing less 

and though sometimes it may be trying
to own so little yet so much
i see a heartbeat in the chrome of your touch,
that ultramarine sky –
the cobalt in the silent high
and treasure the rhythm of the swelling blue
echoing through the vena cava of you

Y me gusta escuchar tu voz

 and you can barely give me more
and you daren’t give me less 

and life’s a blur of voices in my head
english broken
unspoken
and all your accents
´ˆ¸` ¨¨ ˆ¸ ¨ˆ`¸ ¨
swirl atop my clouded head

 and there’s one thing i never said –
i punctuate my life with
ands –
that way the deep blue in me –and you–  never ends

it never ends!

34. in a lapping wave of memory

the little pressures of life are getting to me and thought i try not to let it show, you just know. you know. you could turn a blind eye and sometimes i wish you would, but you don’t.
no, you soak up my pain instead and pour it out in vials of tears silently falling from your eyes.

last night it was me that was hurting, but it was you that was crying.

and without you i’d be lost, i think, my love.
it is your voice that lulls me to sleep, your hands that fleetingly touch the inside of my thighs as we sit there on the train: me reading the paper with you by my side, your heart in my hands.

and your tears, silent, unheard, unrehearsed wash over me in a lapping wave of memory, white foam of pain caressing the soft golden sands of dreams.
deja vu haunts me.
this has once already happened.
with Y.

33. i need you for almost no reason at all

i like the fact that what we have is secret from prying eyes, that there is no label to label what we are. more than friends and less than partners, i like that no one knows about us you said.

if you’d have said anything else, anything else at all, i think i could have told myself that i was stupid for wanting to keep you forever to myself, for wanting to give up my vast blue skies and volunarily walk into a cage made of molten gold, locking it and swallowing the key, breaking my own wings so i couldn’t fly away on impulse, singing one last song before i beseeched you an eternity of silence. 
yes, if you said anything else at all, i might have laughed at my own stupidity, at the irony of me, me wanting to settle for anyone at all, but now i know i need you.

i need you because you don’t need me.

life works in funny ways, mon amour.
and there’s no other reason for me needing you than that.

i need you for almost no reason at all.

32. took me like a spell

after monday it seems like we are treading on broken eggshells, not knowing what to say or do. not even knowing why the whole world seems to have tumbled in our paths. and yet it’s not hurting us, just making us stronger, more resilient, more aware of each other’s wants and needs and loves.
and it’s odd but something clicked just then, something that changed our lives inconspicuously, like the faintest rainbow that brings to life even the gloomiest skies.

and i wonder if you’d have told me last night that you were in love with me if something, anything in our lives was different. and i only wonder because i want to believe that you meant it. i want to believe it so much that a violent spasm constricts my chest every time i think about your love giftwrapped and placed upon my heart. your faith in my trust, my trust in your faith, like a gold chain upon my neck, intervined.  

i don’t care if you’re not in love with me, but i’m in love with you was what you said and somehow that took me like a spell in the midst of all that i was feeling then. somehow it didn’t matter that you still cared about your ex or that i was insecure about everything from “a” all the way through to “z”.

i almost believe in magic again.

our sentence of a story…

soft thud of breath strumming broken chords,
slipping through the ribcage, stuttering out –
a sparrow sweeping out our sentence of a story
where every word’s a sibilance of sorry

shushing

a spliced splintered song of sleepless nights,
of silent mornings, stolen heights 

a start and stop, a stop and start
still beating in the heart.