44. justifying some sort of betrayal


as if by reading of my past flawed ways, i am rescusitating them again. and i wish this was nothing more than a metaphor, but as metaphors go, this is a pretty literal one.

and so i’ve gotten myself another admirer.
it wasn’t really a choice, but then again, maybe it was, if only subconsciously. still, the fact remains – somewhere between yesterday and today i’ve gotten myself another admirer. the blond clever boy, the replica of the image of my past perfection.

but that was before you

and it was all so innocent, this realisation that yes he was interested, that yes he was looking at me.
but even in the realms of innocence, darkness resides. me and him shared this moment today and it was all so goddamn innocent.
but it didn’t feel so innocent at all.
just a momentary smile shared, his presence next to me continuous for two hours, maybe three, but it felt like we segragated ourselves from the rest of the group voluntaily, clawing back privacy.

privacy?

why do i want privacy with him when i’ve got you? why was i toying with you when i had no right to? 
when i am yours.
and so it goes.

and what’s worse is, he doesn’t know. doesn’t know about you. 

.

sometimes i wonder why i do it all, this inticate web of people cumulating at the heart of me. shareholders in the bank of my love. and it’s all fair: the more you invest, the more you get back, yet logic is not there. flawed reasoning.
flawed. 

but you protest so little and allow me so damn much. you’re scared i’ll run and so am i, my love. that’s why i justify my every word, my every action, my every momentary lapse into darkness.

and we both know i’m justifying some sort of betrayal.
but we daren’t say a thing.

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10 responses to “44. justifying some sort of betrayal

  1. moondustwriter

    just because we are alive doesn’t mean we are betraying. This woman exudes life and vivacity. People are naturally drawn to that. She just has to know what is enough. she is beautiful and loving . In the end love will triumph.
    she lives in the hearts of many

    Love ya

    • “In the end love will triumph.”
      it’s true. thanks for always understanding me, whatever i seem to write of. sometimes it’s difficult to put it all in perspective. and penning it seems like the only way out.

      love ya back (:

  2. This is an interesting post with twists and turns. I love self revelation, though I am not assuming that is the case here, it does have that voice. Nice writhe and read. Misspelling of write(writhe) originally an error. It looked apropos! Damn Muse …. Thanks for sharing.

    • thank you so much for stopping by.
      and i think life naturally presents us with twists and turns. it’s like a series of circle, where every decision leads us somewhere else in the neverending space.
      as to self revelation, i guess it sort of is like that, although what is there to reveal of an open book?

      xx

  3. even with open books you can read between the lines. ;)

    so… blondey boy is bringing temptation? oh dear. do u want your boy to be more jealous? possessive?

    “but you protest so little and allow me so damn much. you’re scared i’ll run and so am i, my love. that’s why i justify my every word, my every action, my every momentary lapse into darkness.”

    x

    • i thinks it’s a little more difficult than that oftentimes. do i want him to be jealous? i guess so, but i also want him to give me leeway the way he does now. and i think i’m just amazed he is able to put my happiness before his own.

      acts of love like that should never go unmentioned.

      xx

  4. wow, i feel like i’m always going through the same things you are whenever i read your blog. you say it so well, it pinpoints everything thats so hard to explain. “sometimes i wonder why i do it all, this inticate web of people cumulating at the heart of me. “

  5. this is quite biographical for me.. and hard to chew as i read the words strung along so perfectly brutal and painful.

    i have a friend that believes in the power of intention, and that we call to us everything that we have. so our pain and our happiness are both things we asked for subconsciously and consciously.

    why is it that i like this pain so much?

    • its funny reading this back, with both of them still in my life. it was all my choice.
      and i agree with your friend, we bring everything upon ourselves – the pain an happiness. the lot.

      and pain and pleasure are sometimes one and the same.
      xx

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