55. and you wasn’t here and he was

once this was my safe haven.
that changed, like everything changes, life swirling us all about in a glass of rosé or champagne, or cheap white wine, if you’d rather.
and i notice that i’ve become agreeable, but no more than that. i’m still all here, all me.

and then on tuesday the rainbow of my life seemed to have been broken up into the component colours and merged together, forming black.
is black a colour? i don’t know. all i know is, i couldn’t possibly write on tuesday or wednesday. or yesterday even. but with time comes acceptance. so here i am now, accepting my failed anonymity.

Y has read my diary, this. every word, or most, violated with his eyes.
and i asked him not to.
i asked everyone close to me not to read it. everyone complied. but him.

i didn’t send a link. i didn’t tell him the name i assumed or the posts i’ve written. i merely read him a poem.
the last poem i had written here, trace of us.
i didn’t read it so he would find me. i never thought he would.
i read it because i felt like i needed to read it to someone and you wasn’t here. i read it because it was about him.

next thing i know, or rather remember, someone, and it could have been anyone but something tells me it was him, typed trace and put the cork essence of us blog into google.

he found me. 

he was the only person i read that poem to. the only one. and it can’t have possibly been anyone else. 
the search was done less than an hour after i read him the poem.

and though i didn’t start the blog for him or X or you even, i thought of deleting it or not writing any more.
but in the end, i haven’t started this blog for him so what if he reads it?

i haven’t started this blog for him and he won’t be the reason i end it.


14 responses to “55. and you wasn’t here and he was

  1. If it makes you feel better, I don’t know you and I love you just the same.


  2. moondustwriter

    This blog is you in all your creativity and expression don’t you dare let the dark X steal that beauty.


  3. hey,i had same issue with ali, she is a subscriber of my blog and since she has criticised some of my poems for being personal its been so hard to write. i have writers block! :-(


  4. i agree that this is your blog, your life, and your personal feelings.. You have the right to write them down or reading them out loud because they are yours.. Nobody else has the right or the influence on you to stop..
    Sending you lots of love and hugs :)
    Keep writing xoxo

  5. I know exactly how it would have made you feel, it happened to me too. But the thing is, we don’t just write to hide ourselves from anyone or to show the world how we are doing… we just write for ourselves, writing itself is a good way to relax and think clearly on something. At least it is for me. You write pretty good. Keep up the good work! :)

  6. having prying eyes would only make me write more…shows you have alot of things to say that is of interest to people…

    or maybe im twisted ;)

  7. in the end, we should always do what *feels good*.. write when it feels good, blog when it feels good, stop blogging when it feels good.. the truth is, X is just a component of inspiration, the words on your blog don’t give him any power over anything, and with one stroke of the pen you can erase any sense of importance he may think he has… so you, darling, are ultimately in control, and bravo to you for continuing to do what feels good for YOU. i’ll be here always eager to read what you have to say.

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