blackout before my eyes.
blood, scalpel, heart, darkness. and then my mother’s voice, soothing, recieving, full of love.
i fell softly, straight into the recovery postion, noiselessly, languidly, water flowing downhill, gurlging softly at the impact with the rocks. as if i’m used to this. as if.
and there was drama, panic, shock, laughter even, lab oozing with emotion like a devil sick of sin.
noone would have ever guessed that i would faint: i was strong. a rock. a pillar. nobody’s princess.
but there it was. pig’s heart. or lamb’s. whichever. i cut it open, hands almost firm, quite agile. who knew how i was trembling deep inside? i didn’t scream or flinch, i looked at it from inside out, i smiled and laughed and feigned disgust. i know how to put on an act.
tension released, i fell like a birch leaf in the autumn gust.
standing there passive, watching older, firmer hands cut right through a heart, talking of it, the ventricles, the muscles, the–
that was too much.
no use for me as such.
are you surprised i crumbled or rather that i didn’t crumble straightaway?
whichever one, that’s quite okay.
i came around.
before you know it, i’ll pick the scalpel up again.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged act, again, agile, almost, around, autumn, before, birch, blackout, blood, came, crumble, crumbled, cut, darkness, deep, devil, disgust, downhill, drama, emotion, even, eyes, faint, feigned, fell, firm, firmer, flinch, flow, from, full, guessed, gurgling, gust, hands, have, heart, how, if, impact, inside, into, knew, know, knowhow, lab, lamb, languidly, laughed, laughter, leaf, like, look, love, me, mother, much, muscles, no, nobody, noiselessly, noone, okay, older, one, ooze, open, out, panic, passive, pick, pig, pillar, position, princess, prose, put, quite, rather, recieving, recovery, released, rock, rocks, scalpel, scream, shock, sick, sin, smiled, softly, soothing, stand, straight, straightaway, strong, such, surprised, talk, tension, that, there, through, too, trembling, use, used, ventricles, voice, was, watch, water, whichever, who, with, would, yet, you
maybe i’m not the girl i thought i was. everyone i love along my way tells me so.
today was one of those days. i blurted out i’m in love with you and, cue the lights, i think i meant it.
it took me by surprise. i never said those words before. to me, they were more foreign than our first kiss, for yes, i loved, but loving is easy. apart from the times when it’s hard.
in love is more than love. it’s a choice.
and it might have been the postcoital slur or a byproduct of nights where sleep is a distant dream undreamt, but i don’t think it was.
so tell me, why is it so difficult to believe that i have found peace at last?
maybe because i’m not so sure i have. when i called my best friend today and told her of the incident, all i heard on the other end of the line were shocked squeals and laughing congratulations.
she told me she was happy for me. she also said she didn’t expect it in a million years.
and i realised i’ve lived two lives all along. one – where i dream of convention and the other, the free, liberated me, – the one with which i face the world.
but words are words. did i mean it and then, what does it mean? are we forever is this the end or the beginning or the pause?
i’m tired of being scared. drag me into the deep end. see if i float.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, along, apart, because, before, beginning, being, best, blurt, byproduct, choice, congratulations, convention, cue, days, deep, distant, drag, dream, easy, end, expect, face, first, float, foreign, forever, free, friend, from, girl, happy, hard, have, heard, in love, incident, kiss, know, knows, last, laughing, liberated, lights, line, lived, lives, love, loved, loving, maybe, me, mean, meant, might, million, never, nights, not, one, other, our, pause, peace, postcoital, prose, realised, said, scared, see, shocked, sleep, slur, squeals, sure, surprise, tell, than, the, then, they, those, thought, times, tired, today, took, two, was, way, where, which, words, world, years, yes
we, too, had gotten it all wrong more than once in our lives. we ran from desire instead of running towards it. disbelieved what mathematical induction could not prove, but what remains quite true: every pain, in every measure, can be counter-balanced by pleasure.
and i, the jagged tremor in your heart, the slight pause in your groan, am weak, for how many times i have surrendered to the illusion of lust?
but i shall find an excuse worth loving, a sentence worth of praise.
i am a woman.
no, a girl.
but more than that, i cannot feel complete unless i am a pool, half-full, passion rising to the surface, black oil floating on translucent water.
my heart is a pool collecting rivulets of desire in its basin, each drop – the sacred elixir of life. yes, i’ve changed. i used to say why be a man’s wife if you can be his mistress and now i’d rather say nothing at all.
now, i love you and you alone, but –
always a but-
i need the scarlet light to fall upon my form, if only to show off the violent carmine of my bullfighter’s cape.
my whole life is contained in the balance of virginal white and the shade of moonlight casting its fragile rays on lovers in the night. those colours merge to form my blood.
scarlet like the summer bloom of red roses, half-concealed by the shadows of rising sun.
and as i yearn for the chains of desire, wrap threads of red silk around me, dream me up sordid dreams.
i love you as you are, even if sometimes that’s not how it seems.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, alone, always, and, are, around, balance, basin, be, black, blood, bloom, bullfighter, but, cannot, cape, carmine, cast, chains, changed, collect, colours, complete, conceal, contained, could, counter, desire, disbelieved, dream, dreams, drop, each, elixir, even, every, excuse, fall, feel, find, float, form, fragile, full, girl, gotten, groan, had, half, heart, how, illusion, induction, instead, jagged, life, light, lives, love, lovers, loving, lust, man, many, mathematical, me, measure, merge, mistress, moonlight, more, night, no, not, nothing, now, oil, once, only, our, pain, passion, pause, pleasure, pool, praise, prose, prove, quite, ran, rather, rays, red, remains, rise, rising, rivulets, roses, sacred, say, scarlet, seems, sentence, shade, shadow, shall, show, silk, slight, sometimes, sordid, summer, sun, surface, surrender, than, that, those, threads, times, too, towards, translucent, tremor, true, unless, upon, used, violent, virginal, water, we, weak, what, white, whole, why, wife, woman, worth, wrap, wrong, yearn, yes, you
‘excuse me. can you tell me where the station is?’
i stop. it’s early, sunday morning, i have four dozen newspapers on my back and then, a change of route. i pause. ‘err- the station? just walk down this road. you’ll see it in 200 meters on errr- that side’. then i look up. the guy’s about my age. i can’t remember his face, just his hair. it was straight, dark brown. and his gaze was so direct.
i heard the mumbling ‘you’re pretty’, gaze seemed unrelentless.
i smiled. how long ago have i heard that from someone? it’s always you’re beautiful from you. you’re so extravagant, my darling, you are!
‘thank you’ came out of my upturned lips, but i felt a nervous jittery feeling. he seemed so lost. could i have helped him? could i have cured the hunger for company eradiating in his eyes? no, i told myself, no.
so i said ‘you’ll find the station alright? just keep walking straight, you’ll see it‘ and i walked away. without long goodbyes, without any sense of pleasure in deprature.
‘excuse me, excuse me!‘. almost desperate, he was there again, a hundred meters on, in the wrong direction, next to me. ‘do you know the time?‘ i did. it was twenty past seven. gloomy morning.
he didn’t want to leave. he stood there gazing, telling me his friend ‘got beat up‘ and it as a ‘rough night but seeing a pretty girl…‘ and then, ‘can i whisper something into your ear?‘ i wasn’t keen – one never knows a thief. ‘if you must‘.
he saw my reluctant reaction.
so he said it out loud.
the street was empty.
there was noone who would hear.
and yet it was all so real.
‘i want to suck you out‘
and it took him so much to say it.
what was it, desire? impulse? lust?
so here i am. muneca brava. at last!
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, again, age, ago, almost, alright, always, am, are, away, back, beat, beautiful, brava, brown, can, can't, change, company, cure, dark, darling, departure, desire, desperate, did, direct, direction, down, dozen, ear, early, empty, eradiate, excuse, extravagant, eyes, face, feeling, four, friend, gaze, gazing, girl, gloomy, goodbyes, guy, hair, have, hear, heard, helped, here, him, hundred, hunger, if, impulse, into, is, jittery, just, keen, keep, know, last, leave, lips, long, look, lost, loud, lust, me, meters, morning, much, mumbling, muneca, must, my, myself, never, nevous, newspapers, next, night, no, noone, one, out, past, pause, pleasure, pretty, reaction, real, reluctant, remember, road, rough, route, said, saw, say, see, seeing, seemed, sense, seven, side, smiled, so, someone, something, station, stood, stop, straight, street, suck, sunday, tell, telling, thank, that, there, thief, this, time, told, took, twenty, unrelentless, upturned, walk, want, was, what, whisper, wrong, you
our fifth month together and all i’ve given you for our anniversary is a revelation of my secret admirer and some of the passion in me.
my english boy. the english boy.
have i told you i always searched for that blonde, blue-eyed and tall perfection?
you’re not blonde and he’s not tall. but it’s you that got me sussed.
if this was a myth, you’d be poseidon reigning me in and he’d be a young soldier, soft features made of marzipan. i, i would be a siren, luring with words and laughter, light touch of my fingers on his a cheek, my toes dipping through the waters of your realm.
so now you know.
and he’s got a girlfriend : clever, but not as clever as me; irresistible but easy. and i’m not. well, not the latter.
so hand me his head on a platter.
i’ll serve him up a game that he can’t win.
i just wish you didn’t know.
his anonimity was something sacred, special. one song i left unsung. so i’ll confuse you, make you doubt all i’ve told you. one can never be too safe in grips of love. and my love for you has spilled over the bank. a scarlet flood.
still, i will be a spy in the house of love.
but as a siren.
and both of you will see me and breathe me in. now that you know each other, you will do so together.
and S will join you.
three’s company, two is none.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged admirer, all, always, anniversary, anonimity, bank, blonde, blue, both, breathe, can't, cheek, clever, company, confuse, dip, doubt, each, easy, eye, features, fifth, fingers, flood, game, girlfriend, given, grips, hand, head, him, house, i, in, irresistible, join, know, latter, laughter, left, light, love, luring, made, marzipan, me, month, myth, never, none, now, one, other, our, over, passion, perfection, platter, poseidon, prose, realm, reign, revelation, sacred, safe, sailor, scarlet, search, secret, see, serve, siren, soft, some, something, song, special, spilled, spy, still, sussed, tall, that, this, three, through, toes, together, toghether, told, too, touch, two, unsung, waters, will, win, wish, words, would, writing, you, young
when world’s the wheel and you’re the car its driving
when streetlights shatter in the sticky summer air
when sky’s blue-black with stark impressions
of things unspoken in the glint of lovers eyes
then you will know the power of rejection
then you will know the insecurity in me
until that day amour, just let me be
let me be exactly how I am.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged air, am, amour, be, black, blue, car, day, drive, exactly, eyes, glint, how, i, impressions, insecurity, just, know, let, lovers, me, of, poems, poetry, power, rejection, shatter, sky, stark, sticky, streetlight, summer, things, unspoken, until, wheel, when, will, world, you