61. see if i float


maybe i’m not the girl i thought i was. everyone i love along my way tells me so.

today was one of those days. i blurted out i’m in love with you and, cue the lights, i think i meant it.
it took me by surprise. i never said those words before. to me, they were more foreign than our first kiss, for yes, i loved, but loving is easy. apart from the times when it’s hard.

in love is more than love. it’s a choice. 

and it might have been the postcoital slur or a byproduct of nights where sleep is a distant dream undreamt, but i don’t think it was.
so tell me, why is it so difficult to believe that i have found peace at last?
maybe because i’m not so sure i have. when i called my best friend today and told her of the incident, all i heard on the other end of the line were shocked squeals and laughing congratulations.
she told me she was happy for me. she also said she didn’t expect it in a million years.
and i realised i’ve lived two lives all along. one – where i dream of convention and the other, the free, liberated me, – the one with which i face the world.

but words are words. did i mean it and then, what does it mean? are we forever is this the end or the beginning or the pause?
who knows.
i’m tired of being scared. drag me into the deep end. see if i float.

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9 responses to “61. see if i float

  1. I can relate so much to your writing, all the time. Always caught between two paths, the normal life and the free one, I guess. It’s hard to find a balance between the two. Keep up the good writing :]

  2. Your words echo in my mind….when everything u think u are suddenly doesn’t seem so clear, are we caged or set free? I LOVE that u are tired of being scared, I’m taking a leaf out of your book xxx

  3. very nicely written. very nice indeed

  4. “they were more foreign than our first kiss, for yes, i loved, but loving is easy. apart from the times when it’s hard.”

    “it might have been the postcoital slur or a byproduct of nights where sleep is a distant dream undreamt”

    genius!! a genius of expression and an ideal human being of emotion. you are a paragon.

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