79. let me fall into this stupour


why was the moon shining so bright last night? and the night before last. the night before that it was cloudy but still it managed to peek through. and i don’t know what to say to you. i used to moon-watch when i was studying astronomy at school.
let me fall into this stupour. the whites of my eyes will turn into two big moons to shine on the world in the darkest light. for i am sin.
all sin.

and S is catholic.
beyond all means.
and i no longer know if he believes in love, because he believes in so little by believing in so much. if he ever asks, i shall tell him this much: that i no longer know him, because what he was to me is not compatible with what he is now. 

i believe in choice. to me, choice is love.
catholicism is brutal: it gives no choice.
abortion is not an option he told me. what if the pregnancy is the result of rape? i asked. she’d still have to have the child.
my eyes glazed over. i forgot who i was speaking to.

and he’s not sure if he believes in contraception: life hasn’t forced him to think about that yet. how can anybody say that in a world with AIDS?
i’m lost. what does he know of the fire of desire that drives me on and on?

i know sometimes you have to let go and start again, from scratch. but i can’t. not now.
suppose i am Kai, from Hans Christian Andersen’s book, and he is the splinter of troll-mirror that befell into my eye.

how can i run away if it it’s in the mind?

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5 responses to “79. let me fall into this stupour

  1. you don’t want to run away, you want to face it head on and the monster disappears, there is always a solution, a way out, another escape that will take you to brighter days.

    love “the whites of my eyes will turn into two big moons to shine on the world in the darkest light. for i am sin”

    darkness is the sin – not being able to open your or his mind is the darkness. you are the moon, always shining reminding the world that there is something out there, not just an abyss, you remain glittering. xx

    • what a lovely comment. a piece of writing of its own! “not being able to open your or his mind is the darkness”. i agree. and yet… i don’t know what to do about it. so i remain as i am :)

      thanks for popping by :) xx

      • Saiqa Aftab

        I love your writing, it’s a pleasure to escape from my own mind into yours! :D x

  2. i love the thought of being able to start all over again, from scratch, always, all the time.. but the thought of not being able to do it, is, such a downer… aaaaaaw :(

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