to know fear is to have never tasted it, that bitter acrid taste of rotting apples mixed with strong perfume. there is no knowing, only inhalation and dizziness before the lights go on. then, fear subsides.
the aftertaste remains. cologne is rotting. rotting all the same.
and swallowing the cider bile i stop. and start. i stop and start. and i remember that this was rhythm beaten out for me and Y. aeons ago, i would have told him this was our rhythm, that it was made for us. really, the rhythm is mine alone.
it is the heartbeat of a rabbit caught running in circles, breaking out of a different hole every time. only i have no space of time and who knows if i’m late?
there is no knowing here, only white roses being painted red. but i need no paint, truth always comes out in the end.
and this fear reigns over love. it transcends the borders of us and reproduces in our creations. why is that, will you tell me?
it must be us, the charcoal darkening the paper.
it must be orange juice spilt on a linen cloth. or coffee. coffee on those tiles.
still, it’s so nice to be able taste fear once in a million words, wouldn’t you say?
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged able, acrid, aeons, aftertaste, ago, all, alone, always, apples, be, beaten, before, being, bile, bitter, borders, breaking, but, caught, charcoal, cider, circles, cloth, coffee, cologne, comes, creations, darkening, different, dizziness, end, every, fear, for, go, have, heartbeat, here, him, hole, inhalation, it, juice, know, knowing, knows, late, lights, linen, love, made, me, million, mine, mix, mixed, must, need, never, nice, no, on, once, only, orange, our, out, over, paint, painted, paper, perfume, prose, rabbit, really, red, reigns, remains, remember, reproduces, rhythm, roses, rotting, running, same, say, space, spilt, start, still, stop, strong, subsides, swallow, taste, tell, that, the, then, this, those, tiles, time, to, told, transcend, truth, us, was, white, why, will, words, would, y, you
i’ve realised not long ago how shame has filled the crevices of my life. and yesterday i let it out on you, because in all this time you hadn’t realised.
you bought me presents that i liked, you told me things i longed to hear but deep inside me there was always fear of shame. and now you’re walking streets with me, early in the morning, carrying my cargo of paper and shame. just for today. this burden in not yours nor ever will it be.
and this song’s alive in me and you can hear it, but you will never feel it the way i do.
so hold my hand in yours, my dreams scattered on your palm because i’m a dreamer and dream too much. let this free soul forsake it’s body and fly into the open sky like a red kite soaring amongst the stars.
and i want to tell you you’re closer than you were tonight,
but today we’re further apart.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged ago, alive, all, amongst, and, apart, bags, be, because, body, bought, burden, but, can, cargo, carry, closer, crevices, deep, do, dream, dreamer, dreams, early, ever, fear, feel, fill, fly, forsake, free, further, hand, have, hear, hold, how, in, inside, into, just, kite, know, last, let, life, like, long, me, morning, much, my, never, night, nor, not, now, open, out, palm, paper, prose, realise, red, resents, scattered, shame, sky, so, soar, song, sorry, soul, stars, streets, tell, than, the, there, this, time, today, told, too, walk, want, way, were, will, with, words, writing, you, yours
it’s funny, this. i started a post on the 19th of october and never finished it. sometimes i do that. sometimes the words are jumbled in all sorts of ways and i just can’t them to make sense.
19th of october: viktor’s birthday. i always wrote a story on that day; my form of celebration. but this one went untold.
sometimes i still think about him and wonder if he made me. sometimes i think he did. victor frankenstein created a monster. but that is no more than a parallel.
when you look back to your childhood and remember the way the priest broke the bread during mass, is there not something in it you cherish? the moment of peace, the silence as the bread is broken. for you and me. for us.
i didn’t know you then. you still don’t know me now. but lets plow on – you reap what you sew.”
i remember my thoughts that day. of S and how not too long ago you were him: longing to stand by my side, waiting forever for the imaginary day where i was yours.
and i reminisced on the act of consecration, the way one would when breaking bread and pouring wine. only not of christ. of S.
and that was that.
and this is no more than a parallel.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, act, ago, all, always, and, back, birthday, bread, break, breaking, bring, broke, broken, but, by, can't, celebration, cherish, childhood, christ, consecration, created, day, did, didn't, during, finish, for, forever, form, frankenstein, funny, he, him, how, imaginary, jumbled, know, lets, long, longing, look, made, make, mass, me, moment, monster, more, my, never, no, not, october, on, one, only, parallel, peace, plow, post, pouring, priest, prose, reap, rememb, remember, reminisced, s, sense, sew, side, silence, somethine, sometimes, sorts, stand, start, still, story, that, the, them, then, there, think, this, thoughts, untold, us, victor, viktor, waiting, was, way, ways, went, were, what, when, where, wine, wonder, words, would, wrote, you, your, yours
what moved me yesterday was not the explosion after explosion in the sky, nor the coldness enveloping us in a tightly huddled mass of warm bodies. it was the way you looked at me, as if seeing me for the first time. or the last time. and i don’t know how much truth there is in the world, but so long you keep looking at me like that, my heart will long for yours.
yesterday was an annivesary in ways. 7 months, but more than that.
i was with X then, and with Y to an extent, but that night, a year ago, you held my hand in yours, warming it, holding me gently under the fireworks and the stars. a friend and no more, keeping me warm placidly yet wanting me wholly.
now i’m yours solely.
please burn for me still.
this was the poem i wrote for you a year ago. and now you know.
a drizzle of rain warms me up
like your hands on mine, polishing the silver
the ground not yet ready to settle, the sky – to erupt
and we are languishing in the middle
of the broken
I conceived with someone else
smiling in knowing
you’d carry my life on your shoulders if I let you
bequeathing me your last breath as a parting present
but how could I ever justify your love or lust
as we stand there under the unremitting gaze of stars
almost like an audience awaiting the typical finale
my heart so suddenly awake
wanting to take
all that you offer, grab it in handfuls
frigid hands clasping yours with the ferocity
that would make you bleed and leave crescent shapes
as a memory of my need
living signature of my greed
instead I leave you with a seed
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged after, ago, all, almost, annivesary, are, at, audience, awaiting, awake, bequathe, bleed, bodies, breath, broken, burn, carry, clasp, coldness, concieve, could, crescent, drizzle, else, envelop, erupt, ever, explosion, extent, ferocity, finale, fireworks, first, for, friend, frigid, gaze, gently, grab, greed, ground, hand, handfuls, hands, heart, held, holding, hope, how, huddle, instead, is, it, justify, keep, know, languishing, last, leave, let, life, like, living, long, look, looking, love, lust, make, mass, me, memory, middle, months, more, move, moved, much, my, need, night, nor, not, now, of, offer, parting, placidly, please, poem, poems, poetry, polishing, present, rain, ready, reverie, seed, seeing, settle, shapes, shoulders, signature, silver, sky, smiling, solely, someone, stand, stars, still, suddenly, take, that, then, there, tightly, time, truth, typical, under, unremitting, up, want, warm, warming, was, way, ways, we, what, wholly, with, world, would, x, y, year, yesterday, yet, you, your, yours
I glisten like humidity on windows
of brazen memories of not so long ago
and you look through that glass into the night,
presence of my ghost lingering behind
as moonlight shines and stars above you shimmer
I continue to simmer.
this is a poem from so long i don’t care to remember. it was a scribble on a notepad some solitary evening. about Y, of course. i dedicated few poems to X. it was Y that i loved.
and now, here we are: Y has just gotten engaged. the status flashed up as the first notification on my facebook homepage. c’est la vie and i don’t regret it. so long the finger isn’t mine, he can put all the rings on it he wants.
i don’t need a cage, just love, like nectar, flowing freely.
so give me love!
Posted in excerpts
Tagged above, ago, all, behind, brazen, c'est, cage, care, continue, course, dedicate, don't, engaged, evening, facebook, few, finger, first, flash, flowing, freely, from, ghost, give, glass, glisten, humidity, into, just, like, lingering, long, look, love, loved, me, memories, moonlight, my, nectar, need, night, not, notepad, notification, now, page, poem, poems, poetry, presence, put, regret, remember, rings, scribble, shimmer, shine, simmer, solitary, some, stars, status, that, through, vie, want, windows, x, y, you
‘excuse me. can you tell me where the station is?’
i stop. it’s early, sunday morning, i have four dozen newspapers on my back and then, a change of route. i pause. ‘err- the station? just walk down this road. you’ll see it in 200 meters on errr- that side’. then i look up. the guy’s about my age. i can’t remember his face, just his hair. it was straight, dark brown. and his gaze was so direct.
i heard the mumbling ‘you’re pretty’, gaze seemed unrelentless.
i smiled. how long ago have i heard that from someone? it’s always you’re beautiful from you. you’re so extravagant, my darling, you are!
‘thank you’ came out of my upturned lips, but i felt a nervous jittery feeling. he seemed so lost. could i have helped him? could i have cured the hunger for company eradiating in his eyes? no, i told myself, no.
so i said ‘you’ll find the station alright? just keep walking straight, you’ll see it‘ and i walked away. without long goodbyes, without any sense of pleasure in deprature.
‘excuse me, excuse me!‘. almost desperate, he was there again, a hundred meters on, in the wrong direction, next to me. ‘do you know the time?‘ i did. it was twenty past seven. gloomy morning.
he didn’t want to leave. he stood there gazing, telling me his friend ‘got beat up‘ and it as a ‘rough night but seeing a pretty girl…‘ and then, ‘can i whisper something into your ear?‘ i wasn’t keen – one never knows a thief. ‘if you must‘.
he saw my reluctant reaction.
so he said it out loud.
the street was empty.
there was noone who would hear.
and yet it was all so real.
‘i want to suck you out‘
and it took him so much to say it.
what was it, desire? impulse? lust?
so here i am. muneca brava. at last!
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, again, age, ago, almost, alright, always, am, are, away, back, beat, beautiful, brava, brown, can, can't, change, company, cure, dark, darling, departure, desire, desperate, did, direct, direction, down, dozen, ear, early, empty, eradiate, excuse, extravagant, eyes, face, feeling, four, friend, gaze, gazing, girl, gloomy, goodbyes, guy, hair, have, hear, heard, helped, here, him, hundred, hunger, if, impulse, into, is, jittery, just, keen, keep, know, last, leave, lips, long, look, lost, loud, lust, me, meters, morning, much, mumbling, muneca, must, my, myself, never, nevous, newspapers, next, night, no, noone, one, out, past, pause, pleasure, pretty, reaction, real, reluctant, remember, road, rough, route, said, saw, say, see, seeing, seemed, sense, seven, side, smiled, so, someone, something, station, stood, stop, straight, street, suck, sunday, tell, telling, thank, that, there, thief, this, time, told, took, twenty, unrelentless, upturned, walk, want, was, what, whisper, wrong, you