have you noticed we always have this thing of bringing up the pain before we part, as if we need that food for thought in seperation?
and late at night, when lights are off, we lay there in deep silence engulfed by other person’s hurt, forgetting ours so well. and every shadow on the wall from passing cars or people we see from our beds is just another memory of me and you and this.
last night i laid there recieving the night like hapless counterpart, ill all day, i was happy to recline back in my bed, my throat like partched white paper, both inside and out. and your voice was like my savior, a ray of sunlight in the realm of the shadows, as i listened to your every syllable over the sleek grey phone, loving and unloving every word.
but one phrase or maybe more snapped a tight elastic around my heart, that forbidden line where the predator in me sleeps, and the rush of blood to the head roused me. containing the beast within me as best as i could, i asked you not to talk about it again. but you did and i snapped outright, a lion roar echoing in the enclosure of my room.
and then i told you the bitter truths.
and then i had to go.
and at midnight, we parted with a soft beep and a stone upon our chests.
in my realm, nightmares followed.
in yours, a silent thought of me.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, all, always, another, around, ask, back, beast, bed, beds, beep, before, best, bitter, blood, both, bring, cars, chest, containing, could, counterpart, day, deep, echo, elastic, enclosure, engulfed, every, food, forbidden, forget, from, grey, hapless, have, head, heart, hurt, ill, inside, laid, last, late, lay, lights, like, line, lion, listen, loving, maybe, me, memory, midnight, more, musings, my, need, night, nightmare, nightmares, noticed, off, one, other, ours, out, outright, pain, paper, parched, part, parted, passing, people, person, phone, phrase, predator, ray, realm, recieving, recline, roar, room, rouse, rush, savious, see, seperation, shadow, shadows, silence, silent, sleeps, snap, soft, stone, sunlight, syllable, talk, thing, this, thought, throat, tight, told, truths, unloving, upon, voice, wall, well, where, white, word, writing, you
sometimes days just pass me by as i sit there waiting for the beep of my mobile phone. i can get mad at its inability of recieving an usent text message. the message you take all day to write, or rather not write, and that has much too little love in it to satiate the hungry beast within me, but just enough to make it worth the wait.
a daily ration i devour with my eyes.
yet i’m still in a turmoil, with or without your love, so what does it matter?
X still means a lot. more than he ever meant when we were together. not that i’ll ever let him in my life again, but it’s just to difficult to let go of a person completely. and he doesn’t want to be friends. and he wants this and that. this and that.
like a spiral of hurt, this and that is tattooed on the insides of my eyelids.
the next step is unloving his existence.
creating a distance.
but i need you near me. i need you here to take that step and not turn back to look into his eyes. those darn puppy eyes that kept me there for so long.
but don’t start thinking that i will break, that i will snap without you there to help me through.
i’ll just go look for a new conquest, a new heart whose scattered pieces i will grow to love, grow to need, until they fuse together, like they always do.
then i’ll start again.
new place. new heart. new love that warms nothing but the futile burning dreams.
you know not to let me go.
so don’t.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, always, back, beast, beep, break, burning, completely, conquest, creating, day, days, devour, difficult, distance, don't, dreams, enough, existence, eyelids, eyes, friends, fuse, futile, go, grow, heart, help, hungry, hurt, inability, indsides, just, kept, know, let, let go, little, long, look, lot, love, mad, matter, me, mean, meant, message, mobile, more, my life, near, need, new, next, nothing, pass, person, pieces, place, puppy eyes, ration, recieve, satiate, scattered, snap, so, sometimes, spiral, start, step, tattooed, text, that, thinking, this, through, together, turmoil, turn, unloving, unsent, wait, waiting, wants, warms, with, without, write, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 