he did not recieve the text. good. so we chat. friends, not lovers, that we are: i question him of things and he shares his good news with me. at midnight. not that i didn’t ask him to, but he doesn’t bother informing you. funny?
relieved, i don’t think of the saved blushes and the heat does not rise to my cheeks: it doesn’t need to.
a sigh escapes like a fly through the open window, its wings no longer beating against the cold clear pane of glass.
phone on, i wait to hear a beep. from you or him, it hardly seems to matter.
i sleep lightly as of late, or as of early. since our trio of sleepover nights, it’s been better, but sometimes, i will wake up in the night and think you are with me, curled up on the floor.
no longer an insomniac, i don’t know how to classify myself. i want a tidy name to sum it all up. there isn’t one.
i’m on the edge right now and it’s nothing to do with the pair of you. my future lies within these very moments, encapsulated in the smell of old books and pheromones surging.
i call the number. it is busy. so i call again.
right now, all i care about is that the phone is picked up and they listen to me, if even for a while.
i heard a no. loud and clear, like a dead weight going into cold blue-black water.
deep, guttural sounds of a storm brewing. but the storm is already over. we lay on the deck and count the stars.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, again, against, already, are, ask, beat, been, beep, better, black, blue, blushes, books, bother, brewing, busy, call, care, chat, cheeks, classify, clear, cold, count, curled, dead, deck, deep, did, didn't, do, does, don't, early, edge, encapsulated, escape, even, evening, floor, fly, friends, from, funny, future, glass, going, good, guttural, hardly, he, hear, heard, heat, him, his, how, i, informing, insomniac, into, know, late, lay, lies, lightly, like, listen, longer, loud, lovers, matter, me, midnight, moments, morning, my, myself, name, need, news, night, no, not, nothing, now, number, old, on, one, open, our, over, pair, pane, pheromones, phone, picked, question, recieve, relieved, right, rise, saved, seems, shares, sigh, since, sleep, sleepover, smell, so, sounds, stars, strom, sum, surging, text, that, there, these, things, think, through, tidy, to, trio, up, very, wait, wake, want, water, we, weight, while, will, window, wings, with, within, you
we are intrepid dreamers
lost in the rhythm of this life.
we’ve lost belief,
but once we believed,
though never always,
and we could have been right.
but we weren’t.
i thought i’d do something different and write a “sunday 160“.
here’s to the future.
and to understanding.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged always, are, been, belief, believed, but, could, different, dreamers, future, have, here, intepid, life, lost, never, once, poem, poems, poetry, rhythm, right, something, sunday 160, this, though, understand, understanding, we, weren't
as an endless circle
of coiled nucleic acid strand
without a protein coat
to hide in
so here you are:
like the moon,
causing the tides of your moods,
the thick mesh of clouds
as a sliver
after total destruction
of another menstrual lifecycle
and i’ve noticed
you don’t see the moon unless you’re looking for it
or sleeping with your face under the open sky
its coming and going
passes the world silently by
that’s why my whole life
has been about finding
the blind spot
in the lover’s eyes.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged about, acid, after, another, are, as, been, behind, blind, by, cause, causing, circle, clouds, coat, coiled, coming, cycle, destruction, endless, eyes, face, falling, finding, for, going, has, here, hide, in, interminable, it, life, like, looking, lover, menstrual, mesh, mood, moon, my, noticed, nucleic, of, open, passes, protein, reappearing, right, see, silently, sky, sleep, sliver, spot, strand, that, thick, tides, total, under, unless, whole, why, without, world, you
notes reverbrate in my head, songs drown in their own chords. words on words, words on words.
and i am fear, i am love.
i’ve been found out.
‘i am yours now
so now i don’t ever have to leave
i’ve been found out
so now i’ll never explore’
and i can’t stop thinking, though you’ve given me no reason to. you’ve been a darling, my precipice of love.
it is me, it is i.
i’ve betrayed your honest motifs by wanting more, by being unsure. every other girl would be thankful to never have to leave, but i am i. i can only think of all the lands whose flowers won’t open their buds to me, of all the trees that won’t bloom for me.
i am me and this is i.
i want to come and go, spending every morning in your harbour, every night – under the shine of communal stars.
i’m only tender and i’m only young. i can’t go for days without setting bridges on fire.
imma let it burn.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, am, and, be, been, being, betrayed, bloom, bridges, buds, burn, but, can, can't, chords, come, communal, darling, don't, drown, every, explore, fear, fire, flowers, found, girl, give, go, harbour, have, head, honest, i, imma, is, it, lands, leave, let, love, me, more, morning, motifs, my, never, night, no, notes, now, of, on, only, open, other, out, poems, poetry, precipice, reason, reverbrate, setting, shine, song, songs, spend, stars, stop, tender, thankful, the, their, think, thinking, this, though, to, trees, under, unsure, want, whose, without, won't, words, would, young, your, yours