Tag Archives: christmas

it’s glass

it’s glass,
translucent white murano
[christmas morning, shock, lips meeting in the dark]
that detonates you in my mind 

чомусь

smashed champagne bottles
[the glass opaque, the colour of wet sand at night]
are littered here,
confetti of my lives.
they live from new year to new year
[incredible, alluring, bold vibrant colours in the setting dusk]
until all age is lost. 

until that slice of sunshine
so often playing in your eyes,
[a child in sandbox, early summer, smell of peonies, freshly moved grass]
sets me alight once more 

чомусь

——————————–

it’s been a long way coming here. i lost so much of me, you lost of much of you. the long march, where the world got trampled in the mud. but now we’re here, lets do it. no hesitation. there must have been a reason for it all.

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63. within these four walls

home is my prison, beating heart trapped within these four walls.

whole life spent in affirmation of having seen beauty, but how? i can’t even see beyond the metal bars of this cage. trapped in an illusion of golden locks and impurity of pure white snow.

yes, this is convention.
i didn’t need anyone’s help to lace me into this corset. i didn’t make you wait to take me to the ball. no carriages will carry me in this world.

there’s always time, —-
that’s what you say, calling me by my name, every syllable grounding me further into this quicksand. truth is, there isn’t time. all there is is this yearning need to –cease. then, colours stop swirling and coloured lights hush with their bright song of desire.

i am a fire.
i burn in this empty shell. you know it well. and i flash instead of them coloured lights, where every day is christmas, where sun burns red with passion of one’s life.

kiss me now.
tomorrow it will be too late.
tomorrow we will celebrate.

25. a little more single

valentine’s day tomorrow.
everyone knows that. most people care. some, like me, are a little more weary of its coming. a little more reserved. a little more single.

walking the streets today was like waking up in a foreign room. every pattern established over the duration of the year (bar Christmas time) had changed. for today only. all the world needed today was a banner screaming for one night only like those one off concerts by a renowned superstar.
illustrious illusion of love taking the world by storm:
the vendors on the streets shouting roses, not their usual bananas or tomatoes;
the music blasting from the shops a mixed array of romantic songs, every single one played to death;
and hearts, chocolates, champagne everywhere.

call me a cynic, but i just can’t stand it all. a dog should be for life not just for Christmas, so love should be for every day, not just the internationally-recognised day of coupling.

i say that but i still don’t know what real love is and noone’s in a hurry to show me.
you went off to Devon. i have to you said and i don’t doubt that you do. you ought to see your gran and if it so happens you visit overlaps with the day we should have spent together, that’s fine by me. no, honestly, it is.
it reminds me of the fact i’m free again. amen.
as to X, oh to hell with X. hot, cold, freezing, boling and then cold again. who knows that boy?
something tells me i never did.

and never will.

16. but that’s ok

the past two days have been all about A: her problems, tears, hopes, dreams and pains.
and that’s ok.
i can understand that.

she wakes me up at two in the morning with her phonecall, but doesn’t listen to what i have to say. she’s angry, she’s upset, but that’s ok. i let that go, even though i end up having only 3 hours of sleep in the end. because she’s hurting.

she makes me meet up with her the next day, on my christmas ( orthodox christian’s christmas is on the seventh of january. don’t asky me why), and has me stay with her the whole day, but doesn’t want to hear my reassurances.
but that’s ok, i understand.

she has me call up her ex, discuss it all with him, try to instill a sense of guilt in him ( for what? for him wanting to be merely friends now that, having dumped him, she wants him back? ) but that’s ok, because she’s my friend.

and i could go on, but i won’t. she hasn’t been the best character in the past two days. but that’s ok. after all, we all have those moments, don’t we?  

some of us just deal better with them, rely on others less and aren’t scared of new beginnings.

all she needs is just a little practice…

3. it’s odd to think you replaced someone

and so this is christmas.
you and your big gestures swept me off my feet. again.

but he tried too and to be one of the best was never good enough for you. i know that, always did. and so i tell you your gift was the best. it really was. the big label glorifying your loving thoughts, the tag that told me you loved me – not in so many words, but that’s how i took it. i know you love me. and it’s not just the price of swarovski crystals you bought me or the loving, foreign words you sprinkled your card with that tell me the depth of your love. but it’s the start. eveything must have a start, right? 

but there were horrible gifts too, like Y getting me a present that passed for a gift noone would ever need or want or could even give if they cared only a little. that atrocious figurine should have been my pride and joy, but it’s hideous, badly painted eyes boring at me sadly, the black of the pupils grey as if the paint ran out. and as if the mass-produced piece of rubbish that it was wasn’t enough to knock me off  my feet and sent me flying, Y signed the card always sincere. not love or yours or even all the best, but always sincere, in his holier than thou manner.

now, this wasn’t him and it wasn’t you, but once upon a time, before you came along Y meant everything to me that you do now. it’s odd to think you replaced someone, right? it’s odd because you’d never think it possible that i ever had a hole that needed filling with love and care and tenderness. and still, that’s true. Y just never really knew, which is why he left. left me bereft.

it’s ok now though, he has a girlfriend – pretty blond-looking thing. they get on fine and we still talk. that’s important, don’t you think? you have your Y too, thought it’s more of a V. that’s ok, i understand that. but you dont talk to her. somehow i think that’s almost better, because the memories stay where they should – buried in the distant shadows of the past. things like this never last and Y will lose me one day. that or maybe it’ll be the other way round – me losing him, still trying to cling on.

i’ve been known to be clingy in the past. they slated me for it so i let myself loose. now i’ve tied down two guys – you and him. you must understand that Y doesn’t count – he’ll have his own life, the bliss of conventionality i could not allow myself. not even on christmas day. i phone him first – my boyfriend whom you know as X – and then i call you and love you more than i ever thought possible.

allow me just this.
my late-night christmas gift.