Tag Archives: cried

64. when its not lego you’re playing with

my friendships fade the way snowangels lose their shape in the hale of falling snow.
the past is covered up by the present. the future cares little for memories. if at all.

little girls think that prefection is attainable.
i did.
i wanted it all: the prince, the fairytale, the works. i wanted the golden carriage, the friends you can trust. friends who trust you.

would you believe me if i told you i almost had it all?

no. stop. look here. open your palm, recieve a crocodile tear. that’s what X would call the by-product of my pain. 
maybe he’s right. maybe i don’t feel. maybe every tear cried for someone else is selfish. maybe i’m crying only for myself.

and now, imagine.
imagine the girl you knew from pri-school, long time ago now, shuts you out. one of your best friends for god knows how many years. you let her. you can’t be chasing her. it’s all too much. let her get away. weeks later you get mad, mad at her for not caring about your friendship, about putting her creepy male friend first. she denies. and then she relents. she tells you everything. or so you presume. she lost her virginity to him. got pregnant by chance that very first time. passed out when she found out. lost the baby soon thereafter. is still with her girlfriend now.

now tell me, what would you do?

how can you bridge the world anew when it’s not lego you’re playing with any more, but life?

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15. you live and learn, right?

some days are just rubbish.
no way of getting round it. no way of changing that fact.
today was one of those days.

when you wake up in the morning, what do you think? do you think of the days having gone past or do you look to the future? do you make a wish? just a little one, maybe. like, i wish my train runs on time today or i wish this cold doesn’t get any worse.
i did all of that this morning and still, still i couldn’t prevent the day being a failure. like a snowflake melting halfway down on its journey from the sky ot the ground.
no amount of good-luck actions would have changed that, i think.
it’s all written in the stars, no? 

it was W this time. he’s so important that i’ve never even mentioned him before now, but hey, you live and learn, right?
he went and told the superiors that i was bullying him. last time i checked, caring about what one has to say, always asking one if he’s alright (genuinely concerned, because he did seem depressed lately), making jokey, playful remarks is NOT bullying.

but hey, you live and learn, right?

that hurt me.
i don’t know what to say. he was my friend and he turned against me, making accusations our mutual friends were shocked to hear. that i, yself, was shocked to hear. 
but why would he make up something like that?
oh, this is a good one. listen to this, right – the superior was telling him off, so he figured… shift the blame on someone else. tell them he was having a tough time of it all and i was making it worse.
i wish he’d tell me how being friendly is making it worse.

but his excuse for saying that to the superior is the best. it’s not really much of an excuse at all: he didn’t think she’d tell me.
i guess he just didn’t think.

but he was right:
she didn’t tell me. she screamed right at me how unacceptable bullying was, how i should be ashamed, how i’m a disappointment.
the list goes on. 

and is that something a friend would do? i don’t think so, somehow.

i cried today. more than once. i couldn’t believe it. 
call me naive, but i thought that W was my friend. i liked him a lot. he was my train buddy.

how stupid of me.