he did not recieve the text. good. so we chat. friends, not lovers, that we are: i question him of things and he shares his good news with me. at midnight. not that i didn’t ask him to, but he doesn’t bother informing you. funny?
relieved, i don’t think of the saved blushes and the heat does not rise to my cheeks: it doesn’t need to.
a sigh escapes like a fly through the open window, its wings no longer beating against the cold clear pane of glass.
phone on, i wait to hear a beep. from you or him, it hardly seems to matter.
i sleep lightly as of late, or as of early. since our trio of sleepover nights, it’s been better, but sometimes, i will wake up in the night and think you are with me, curled up on the floor.
no longer an insomniac, i don’t know how to classify myself. i want a tidy name to sum it all up. there isn’t one.
i’m on the edge right now and it’s nothing to do with the pair of you. my future lies within these very moments, encapsulated in the smell of old books and pheromones surging.
i call the number. it is busy. so i call again.
right now, all i care about is that the phone is picked up and they listen to me, if even for a while.
i heard a no. loud and clear, like a dead weight going into cold blue-black water.
deep, guttural sounds of a storm brewing. but the storm is already over. we lay on the deck and count the stars.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, again, against, already, are, ask, beat, been, beep, better, black, blue, blushes, books, bother, brewing, busy, call, care, chat, cheeks, classify, clear, cold, count, curled, dead, deck, deep, did, didn't, do, does, don't, early, edge, encapsulated, escape, even, evening, floor, fly, friends, from, funny, future, glass, going, good, guttural, hardly, he, hear, heard, heat, him, his, how, i, informing, insomniac, into, know, late, lay, lies, lightly, like, listen, longer, loud, lovers, matter, me, midnight, moments, morning, my, myself, name, need, news, night, no, not, nothing, now, number, old, on, one, open, our, over, pair, pane, pheromones, phone, picked, question, recieve, relieved, right, rise, saved, seems, shares, sigh, since, sleep, sleepover, smell, so, sounds, stars, strom, sum, surging, text, that, there, these, things, think, through, tidy, to, trio, up, very, wait, wake, want, water, we, weight, while, will, window, wings, with, within, you
you didn’t think to tell me
how you loved me
but i dreamt it up myself
and now i have a dream in every colour,
each shade: swarovski bead of glass,
reflections merely shadows
scattering in front of us.
i didn’t ask you to love me
you didn’t ask me back
no one asks the sun to shine.
but it does.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged ask, asks, back, bead, but, colour, didn't, does, dream, dreams, dreamt, each, every, front, glass, have, how, it, love, loved, me, merely, myself, no, noone, now, one, poems, poetry, reflections, scatter, shade, shadows, shine, sun, swarovski, tell, think, up, us, you
it’s funny, this. i started a post on the 19th of october and never finished it. sometimes i do that. sometimes the words are jumbled in all sorts of ways and i just can’t them to make sense.
19th of october: viktor’s birthday. i always wrote a story on that day; my form of celebration. but this one went untold.
sometimes i still think about him and wonder if he made me. sometimes i think he did. victor frankenstein created a monster. but that is no more than a parallel.
when you look back to your childhood and remember the way the priest broke the bread during mass, is there not something in it you cherish? the moment of peace, the silence as the bread is broken. for you and me. for us.
i didn’t know you then. you still don’t know me now. but lets plow on – you reap what you sew.”
i remember my thoughts that day. of S and how not too long ago you were him: longing to stand by my side, waiting forever for the imaginary day where i was yours.
and i reminisced on the act of consecration, the way one would when breaking bread and pouring wine. only not of christ. of S.
and that was that.
and this is no more than a parallel.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, act, ago, all, always, and, back, birthday, bread, break, breaking, bring, broke, broken, but, by, can't, celebration, cherish, childhood, christ, consecration, created, day, did, didn't, during, finish, for, forever, form, frankenstein, funny, he, him, how, imaginary, jumbled, know, lets, long, longing, look, made, make, mass, me, moment, monster, more, my, never, no, not, october, on, one, only, parallel, peace, plow, post, pouring, priest, prose, reap, rememb, remember, reminisced, s, sense, sew, side, silence, somethine, sometimes, sorts, stand, start, still, story, that, the, them, then, there, think, this, thoughts, untold, us, victor, viktor, waiting, was, way, ways, went, were, what, when, where, wine, wonder, words, would, wrote, you, your, yours
i mistook you for a reason
when, unthinkingly, mid-season
one believes in life again
and it was me, i was unsure:
i was all for,
world hedging on against
but i was me, soul stemming from the eyes
and it was i, leaf lifted by the wind,
my oranges alive in the midday sun
i flew to you: i didn’t run
so i mistook you for a reason
a poem chanted like a song
when all along
you were love.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged again, against, alive, all, along, believe, but, by, chanted, didn't, eyes, few, flew, for, from, hedging, it, leaf, life, lifted, like, love, me, mid-season, midday, mistook, one, oranges, poem, reason, run, song, soul, stemming, sun, unsure, unthinkingly, was, were, when, wind, world, you
it balances out. it always does.
some call it karma. we call it god.
no ifs. no buts. no forevers.
just stop and listen to our song.
yes, any song.
can you hear my voice resonate?
you should know i wouldn’t run to hate
if love’s all i’ve ever known
and this life i’ve sewn
is mine to splash acetone on.
no one will stop me.
no one knows how.
it was such a momentous day today. for the first time ever i touched the heights those older and wiser often talk about. seventh heaven, where flesh trembles, leaving eyes in a haze.
but something had to ruin it all. and maybe you can fight against the darkness, but in any case, you didn’t. they win.
no matter: i don’t need them.
just the memory of today is enough.
and the irony isn’t lost on me.
6 months since my goodbye to X.
well done to me.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged about, acetone, all, always, any, balance, but, call, can, case, darkness, day, didn't, does, done, enough, ever, eyes, fight, first, flesh, for, forever, God, goodbye, had, hate, haze, hear, heaven, heights, how, if, irony, it, just, karma, know, known, leaving, life, listen, lost, love, matter, maybe, me, memory, mine, momentous, months, my, need, no, noone, often, older, on, out, resonate, ruin, run, seventh, sewn, should, since, six, some, something, song, splash, stop, such, talk, they, this, those, time, today, touched, trembles, voice, we, where, win, wiser, yes