drink me through a straw
and make me swirl:
i’m just a hurricane in a bowl
waiting to shake up the world.
there was everything and nothing
a spiral spinning phosphorescent blue, ̶
i see that world in you.
i don’t like things when they get too serious. then all the fun is gone and we are left with feelings that are solidified into blocks of ice no burning passion could ever melt. it’s like having too much of a good thing and trembling over it. we don’t need it and there’s no use to being scared of loneliness. it’s everpresent.
estamos todos solos.
and darling, i don’t want to hear the truth. just laying in your arms, in your pool of warmth, that is enough.
mi corazon, mi corazon
no me digas la verdad.
you say you are fragile. have you seen me falling to pieces like meteorite crashing into the earth’s atmosphere?
you are scared of my abundance. you fell in love with it remeber?
and you tell me not to change, no, you can do whatever you want. i trust you. i don’t doubt it or you but those words of yours replay in my mind and i realise: we’ve both been selfish.
selfish in sharing everything but not enough, in loving too much but sparsely, of showing feeling with ardour but without sparks. we’re guilty, amour. and i know it by the look in your eyes when i mention his name. S. snake in the long green grass.
english boy’s anonimity wavered i don’t care for that pursuit any more. it is dull to talk of him now, but S is good.
we see each other every day.
there is no puns or pokerfaces, just sordid fantasies of everyone involved.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged abundance, amour, anonimity, ardour, atmosphere, being, boy, care, change, corazon, crashing, darling, day, digas, don't, doubt, dull, each, earth's, english, enough, estamos, ever, everpresent, every, everyone, everything, eyes, falling, fantasies, feeling, feelings, fell, fragile, fun, gone, good, grass, green, guilty, having, hear, his, in love, into, involved, it, just, know, left, like, loneliness, long, look, loving, melt, mention, meteorite, mi, mind, more, much, name, need, no, not, of, other, over, passion, pieces, pokerfaces, puns, pursuit, realise, remember, replay, s, say, scared, see, seen, selfish, serious, sharing, showing, snake, solidifi, solos, sordid, sparks, sparsely, talk, there's, thing, things, those, todos, too, trembling, trust, truth, use, verdad, want, wavered, we, whatever, with, without, words, you, your, yours
once this was my safe haven.
that changed, like everything changes, life swirling us all about in a glass of rosé or champagne, or cheap white wine, if you’d rather.
and i notice that i’ve become agreeable, but no more than that. i’m still all here, all me.
and then on tuesday the rainbow of my life seemed to have been broken up into the component colours and merged together, forming black.
is black a colour? i don’t know. all i know is, i couldn’t possibly write on tuesday or wednesday. or yesterday even. but with time comes acceptance. so here i am now, accepting my failed anonymity.
Y has read my diary, this. every word, or most, violated with his eyes.
and i asked him not to.
i asked everyone close to me not to read it. everyone complied. but him.
i didn’t send a link. i didn’t tell him the name i assumed or the posts i’ve written. i merely read him a poem.
the last poem i had written here, trace of us.
i didn’t read it so he would find me. i never thought he would.
i read it because i felt like i needed to read it to someone and you wasn’t here. i read it because it was about him.
next thing i know, or rather remember, someone, and it could have been anyone but something tells me it was him, typed trace and put the cork essence of us blog into google.
he found me.
he was the only person i read that poem to. the only one. and it can’t have possibly been anyone else.
the search was done less than an hour after i read him the poem.
and though i didn’t start the blog for him or X or you even, i thought of deleting it or not writing any more.
but in the end, i haven’t started this blog for him so what if he reads it?
i haven’t started this blog for him and he won’t be the reason i end it.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, acceptance, after, agreeable, all, anonymity, anyone, asked, assumed, become, been, black, blog, break, champagne, changed, changes, cheap, close, colour, colours, comply, component, cork, could, delete, diary, don't, done, else, end, essence, even, every, everyone, everything, eyes, failed, form, found, from, glass, google, has, have, haven, here, him, his, hour, into, it, know, last, less, life, like, link, me, merge, more, most, my, name, never, next, not, notice, of, once, one, only, or, person, poem, possibly, posts, put, rainbow, rather, read, reads, remember, rose, search, seem, send, someone, something, start, still, swirl, tell, that, then, thing, this, this safe, time, together, trace, tuesday, typed, us, violted, wednesday, white, wine, word, would, write, writing, written, x, y, yesterday, you
certain things hit me with a strange ferocity. different velocity, acceleration, speed, but they are have one thing in common -somehow they wound me gently, taking care not to hurt too much or break more bones than will heal naturally given time and care.
it’s often words. soft, sometimes inaudible, but always taboo.
like the wednesday past, when i met your past love and she told me of the things you and her did, the way your breathing would take on an animalistic quality, as if the lion i know in you was roused, the way your face would contort at the end of it all, the way it made her laugh.
and then there was the way she asked about what we have done. and i told her. why wouldn’t i? let the vulture take its prey and feast on it. we all need nourishment of some kind and i guess my nourishment was hearing it all out in the open. everything has it’s price and well, she’s only me in retrospect.
those little things are enough to drive us insane, but i think we ought to face them head-on. that way we are the hunters and not the hunted.
and then there was this morning and a text from you telling of your time in france and how, by chance, you ended up sleeping only meters away from your parents and their squeaky bed last night and the night before.
and i don’t want to fill in the gaps.
my parents wouldn’t.
but we are all different, non? my morals are not yours. my horror is different to yours. ukrainian normality does not always collide with the french, i know that. you laid there in silence, but me, i’d get up and go to the bathroom, garden, i’d go out.
and suppose that’s us in twenty or thirty years time. does it scare you? it scares the blinking daylights out of me.
but what do i know of fear?
maybe i ought to go to war.
so here’s my rebuttal: we do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged acceleration, all, always, animalistic, are, away, bathroom, bed, before, blinking, bones, break, breathing, care, certain, chance, common, contort, daylight, different, does, don't, done, drive, end, ended, enough, everything, face, fear, feast, ferocity, fill, france, french, from, gaps, garden, gently, get, given, go, head, heal, hear, her, hit, horror, how, hunted, hunters, hurt, inadible, insane, know, laid, last, laugh, lion, little, love, maybe, me, meters, morals, more, morning, naturally, night, non, nourishment, often, on, one, only, open, ought, out, parents, past, prey, price, prose, quality, rebuttal, retrospect, rouse, scare, see, she, silence, soft, somehow, sometimes, speed, squaky, strange, suppose, taboo, take, telln, text, that, them, then, there, they, thing, things, think, thirty, this, time, told, twenty, ukrainian, up, us, velocity, vulture, war, we, wednesday, what, when, words, would, wouldn't, wound, years, you, yours
yesterday marked five months since the day i became X’s girlfriend.
on paper at least.
and it’s kind of scary in some strange way how long that is. for me, in any case.
it was just like any other day.
we didn’t even speak on the phone: he didn’t call and i had other people to speak to. i may be dependent, but i’m a free woman, or rather girl, still. and the funny thing is, i don’t think he even realised how frustrated and trapped i was feeling until this morning, when i decided that our anniversary (or in the very least, the day following it) ought to go out with a bang.
i had a perfect excuse, not that i really needed one, but hey. he was meeting up with a girl who blatantly likes him, behind my back. and when i say likes him, i mean likes him a lot.
she never told me that she did, but it’s evident. not just to me, to others too, and you know that. you were the one who suggested it in the first place.
she talks about him, like he’s her boyfriend and not mine. and that’s alright. i don’t mind.
in fact, generally, i’d welcome such turn of events, ignore it or maybe gossip about it for a bit, but today i felt like drama. and not just any drama, but a argintinian-style melodrama, where every nuance is outrageous, where shock is everything and truth is nothing.
and that’s what i always wanted my life to be like, ever since i watched “Wild Angel”, or rather “Muñeca Brava”. i wanted to transform into that fearless heroine, that mad doll who’d always get what she wanted, no matter the cost. who actually knew what she wanted. who knew how to live.
but i realise i’m no mad doll, just a run-of-the-mill one, trying to be unique. still, what does it matter?
for a moment in my life, albeit a fairly brief one, i thought it counted who you were, but it doesn’t really. what matters is how well you can pretend you’re something you’re not. and i do that well.
a million different smiles, looks, mannerisms.
and so we fought. bitter words. silent anger coursing through viens. his. mine.
but i know before the night falls, he’ll want to be in my arms again and i resent that fact.
i resent resenting him and resenting me.
but that’s the way it’s gonna be.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged a lot, alright, anger, anniversary, any, bang, behind, bitter, boyfriend, cost, count, day, decide, dependent, doll, drama, events, everything, evident, excuse, follow, free, frustration, funny, generally, girl, girlfriend, gossip, he, her, i, life, like, lit, long, looks, mad, mannerisms, matter, melodrama, month, morning, my life, nothing, nuance, other, outrageous, people, perfect, phone, realise, resent, silent, smiles, speak, told, trapped, truth, turn, unique, want, way, welcome, woman, word, words, writing, x, yesterday