my friendships fade the way snowangels lose their shape in the hale of falling snow.
the past is covered up by the present. the future cares little for memories. if at all.
little girls think that prefection is attainable.
i did.
i wanted it all: the prince, the fairytale, the works. i wanted the golden carriage, the friends you can trust. friends who trust you.
would you believe me if i told you i almost had it all?
no. stop. look here. open your palm, recieve a crocodile tear. that’s what X would call the by-product of my pain.
maybe he’s right. maybe i don’t feel. maybe every tear cried for someone else is selfish. maybe i’m crying only for myself.
and now, imagine.
imagine the girl you knew from pri-school, long time ago now, shuts you out. one of your best friends for god knows how many years. you let her. you can’t be chasing her. it’s all too much. let her get away. weeks later you get mad, mad at her for not caring about your friendship, about putting her creepy male friend first. she denies. and then she relents. she tells you everything. or so you presume. she lost her virginity to him. got pregnant by chance that very first time. passed out when she found out. lost the baby soon thereafter. is still with her girlfriend now.
now tell me, what would you do?
how can you bridge the world anew when it’s not lego you’re playing with any more, but life?
Posted in chapters of my life
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i’ll kiss it better
before you know you’re hurt
i won’t be curt
i won’t pretend
that all those dreams are any more than
liquor on my lips
flour on my fingertips
there’s nothing a pinch of salt can’t cure
please be secure:
i’m doing all i can.
————————————————
and this love is amazing. the things i say are stupid sometimes or even downright crude. those fantasies are nothing more than a fairytale innuendo.
know that.
Posted in excerpts
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we all want a fairytale, don’t we?
a prince, a castle, a fairy godmother and a happy ending.
us, girls, seem to be born with this idea that one day, a prince will find us. yes, he will definitely find us and sweep us off our feet. it’s not a collective motion either – my prince will not be her prince; if fact, her prince will be not much of a prince at all.
each girl will get her own version of perfection, but my perfection will be the perfection, is what we think.
you nearly asked me out this thursday. exactly two months since we first started on this journey, on this path to love and need and yearning.
it was the first of the month, the first of april – april fool’s day, no less – the and somehow it felt that if you asked me then, it’d be a joke. and jokes don’t count.
i couldn’t settle for the flawed perfection, non. it had to be my way or the highway. it always does.
so give me a fairytale, mon coeur. show me the the world through the rose-tinted glasses and whisk me off to the castle i’ve dreamed off since i was a little girl.
it’s easter after all.
Posted in chapters of my life
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glittering soot on her eyelashes 