I glisten like humidity on windows
of brazen memories of not so long ago
and you look through that glass into the night,
presence of my ghost lingering behind
as moonlight shines and stars above you shimmer
I continue to simmer.
——————————————————-
this is a poem from so long i don’t care to remember. it was a scribble on a notepad some solitary evening. about Y, of course. i dedicated few poems to X. it was Y that i loved.
and now, here we are: Y has just gotten engaged. the status flashed up as the first notification on my facebook homepage. c’est la vie and i don’t regret it. so long the finger isn’t mine, he can put all the rings on it he wants.
i don’t need a cage, just love, like nectar, flowing freely.
so give me love!
Posted in excerpts
Tagged above, ago, all, behind, brazen, c'est, cage, care, continue, course, dedicate, don't, engaged, evening, facebook, few, finger, first, flash, flowing, freely, from, ghost, give, glass, glisten, humidity, into, just, like, lingering, long, look, love, loved, me, memories, moonlight, my, nectar, need, night, not, notepad, notification, now, page, poem, poems, poetry, presence, put, regret, remember, rings, scribble, shimmer, shine, simmer, solitary, some, stars, status, that, through, vie, want, windows, x, y, you
my friendships fade the way snowangels lose their shape in the hale of falling snow.
the past is covered up by the present. the future cares little for memories. if at all.
little girls think that prefection is attainable.
i did.
i wanted it all: the prince, the fairytale, the works. i wanted the golden carriage, the friends you can trust. friends who trust you.
would you believe me if i told you i almost had it all?
no. stop. look here. open your palm, recieve a crocodile tear. that’s what X would call the by-product of my pain.
maybe he’s right. maybe i don’t feel. maybe every tear cried for someone else is selfish. maybe i’m crying only for myself.
and now, imagine.
imagine the girl you knew from pri-school, long time ago now, shuts you out. one of your best friends for god knows how many years. you let her. you can’t be chasing her. it’s all too much. let her get away. weeks later you get mad, mad at her for not caring about your friendship, about putting her creepy male friend first. she denies. and then she relents. she tells you everything. or so you presume. she lost her virginity to him. got pregnant by chance that very first time. passed out when she found out. lost the baby soon thereafter. is still with her girlfriend now.
now tell me, what would you do?
how can you bridge the world anew when it’s not lego you’re playing with any more, but life?
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, ago, all, almost, anew, any, attainable, away, baby, believe, best, bridge, but, by, can, care, cares, carriage, chance, chase, covered, creepy, cried, crocodile, crying, denies, did, do, don't, else, every, eveything, fade, fairytale, falling, feel, first, for, found, friend, friends, friendship, friendships, from, future, get, girl, girlfriend, girls, God, got, had, hale, her, here, him, how, imagine, is, it, it's, knew, know, later, lego, let, life, little, long, look, lose, lost, mad, male, many, maybe, me, memories, more, much, myself, no, not, now, of, one, only, open, out, pain, palm, passed, past, perfection, playing, pregnant, present, presume, pri-school, prince, product, prose, putting, recieve, relents, right, selfish, shape, she, shuts, snow, snowangels, someone, soon, still, stop, tear, tell, tells, that, the, their, thereafter, think, time, to, told, too, very, virginity, wanted, way, weeks, what, when, who, with, works, world, would, years, you, your
maybe i’m not the girl i thought i was. everyone i love along my way tells me so.
today was one of those days. i blurted out i’m in love with you and, cue the lights, i think i meant it.
it took me by surprise. i never said those words before. to me, they were more foreign than our first kiss, for yes, i loved, but loving is easy. apart from the times when it’s hard.
in love is more than love. it’s a choice.
and it might have been the postcoital slur or a byproduct of nights where sleep is a distant dream undreamt, but i don’t think it was.
so tell me, why is it so difficult to believe that i have found peace at last?
maybe because i’m not so sure i have. when i called my best friend today and told her of the incident, all i heard on the other end of the line were shocked squeals and laughing congratulations.
she told me she was happy for me. she also said she didn’t expect it in a million years.
and i realised i’ve lived two lives all along. one – where i dream of convention and the other, the free, liberated me, – the one with which i face the world.
but words are words. did i mean it and then, what does it mean? are we forever is this the end or the beginning or the pause?
who knows.
i’m tired of being scared. drag me into the deep end. see if i float.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, along, apart, because, before, beginning, being, best, blurt, byproduct, choice, congratulations, convention, cue, days, deep, distant, drag, dream, easy, end, expect, face, first, float, foreign, forever, free, friend, from, girl, happy, hard, have, heard, in love, incident, kiss, know, knows, last, laughing, liberated, lights, line, lived, lives, love, loved, loving, maybe, me, mean, meant, might, million, never, nights, not, one, other, our, pause, peace, postcoital, prose, realised, said, scared, see, shocked, sleep, slur, squeals, sure, surprise, tell, than, the, then, they, those, thought, times, tired, today, took, two, was, way, where, which, words, world, years, yes
it balances out. it always does.
some call it karma. we call it god.
no ifs. no buts. no forevers.
just stop and listen to our song.
yes, any song.
can you hear my voice resonate?
you should know i wouldn’t run to hate
if love’s all i’ve ever known
and this life i’ve sewn
is mine to splash acetone on.
no one will stop me.
no one knows how.
—————————————–
it was such a momentous day today. for the first time ever i touched the heights those older and wiser often talk about. seventh heaven, where flesh trembles, leaving eyes in a haze.
but something had to ruin it all. and maybe you can fight against the darkness, but in any case, you didn’t. they win.
no matter: i don’t need them.
just the memory of today is enough.
and the irony isn’t lost on me.
6 months since my goodbye to X.
well done to me.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged about, acetone, all, always, any, balance, but, call, can, case, darkness, day, didn't, does, done, enough, ever, eyes, fight, first, flesh, for, forever, God, goodbye, had, hate, haze, hear, heaven, heights, how, if, irony, it, just, karma, know, known, leaving, life, listen, lost, love, matter, maybe, me, memory, mine, momentous, months, my, need, no, noone, often, older, on, out, resonate, ruin, run, seventh, sewn, should, since, six, some, something, song, splash, stop, such, talk, they, this, those, time, today, touched, trembles, voice, we, where, win, wiser, yes
so much to do, so little time.
and yet, there’s always time to feel. there must be, else what do we life for? not this sense of helpless continuity, surely?
so i run out of the house to take in the exhaust fumes of the passing cars, i slam the door and run to see you again. as if i hadn’t seen you yesterday.
your kiss reeks of aftershave, just like i want it to. you know. that’s why you drench yourself in it. for me.
and i hold your hand in mine. your skin has tanned over the summer. mine hasn’t. not with this rain. and we are no longer the same shade.
and do you remember how amazed you were at the way the pigments of your skin mirrored those of mine? when the tan washes away, the skin on our hands will be the same colour again. that on our bodies still is.
and i look at your nails. it’s merely an impulse. yes, they are imperfect but you no longer bite them. i put a stop to that.
something about them reminds me of almonds.
we walked the streets and read the paper. daily telegraph. in the library where we had our first kiss. friday the fifth of february. twenty-nine fridays ago.
obesity's pushing NHS over the edge.
tiger woods' ex wife got his millions.
the "mistresses" was not a hit for all.
the headlines were predictable, but with you by my side i oohhed and aahhed.
with you the world’s a different place.
but i’ve come back home now and there’s so much to do, so little time.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged aahh, about, aftershave, again, ago, almonds, always, amazed, away, back, be, bite, bodies, cars, colour, come, continuity, daily, different, do, door, drench, edge, else, exhaust, february, feel, fifth, first, for, friday, fridays, fumes, gold, had, hand, hands, hasn't, headlines, helpless, home, house, how, imperfect, impulse, it, just, kiss, library, little, live, longer, look, me, millions, mine, mirrored, mistresses, much, must, nails, nhs, now, obesity, oohh, out, over, paper, passing, pigments, place, predictable, pushing, rain, read, reek, remember, reminds, run, same, see, sense, shade, side, skin, slam, so, something, still, stop, streets, summer, take, tan, tanned, telegraph, that, them, there, those, tiger, time, to, twenty-nine, walk, want, washes, way, we, were, what, when, why, wife, with, woods, world, writing, yesterday, yet, you, yourself
glittering soot on her eyelashes 