Tag Archives: hopes

85. cherry soda loves

there was a line in streetcar named desire that i remember. it said it’s touching to notice them making their first discovery of love! As if nobody had ever known it before.  it resonates, for now the time has come for the bud to be broken and flowers to bloom in the late-spring night air.

the risk is nothing. nothing, really. there are only the long sprawling afternoons this side of summer, when paper is scrunched up into tiny little balls and burnt with a magnifying glass or matches. whichever, the result is all that matters. words are nothing: this air requires action! 
and there are trees, so beautiful this time of year. they remind me of walking to school in the summer and inhaling the scent of apple tree blossom with T. those were the days, eh?

but now, no now, those buds will open and blossom will scatter into the hands of a handsome young man that we choose. for me, this sweltering summer, it’ll be you. and, god willing (an expression i borrowed from an altogether more believing friend of mine), next summer also. for T (if we were boys, she’d be a brother from another mother) it will be someone else. Her new beau (a rather lovely Tenessee expression!). her very first. amazing stength and will and beauty.

so here we are, and isn’t it queer to think we shall be here always? in the arms of another, in the throes of spring, the coming summer alighting hopes in every single one of us, as if petards were thrown at the pavement before us, at our feet, at our willing young hearts?

and we can’t help this feeling hopeful. and we can’t pretend we didn’t want this life.
so every year, like clockwork, we will be discoving those cherry soda loves and shedding blossom in each other’s arms.

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18. his arrogance will be the death of us

the weekend sweeps me off my feet like you never could.
still, you do it better than X.
he’s been on my mind persistently for the last few days. not because i miss him: no, i’m glad we don’t see each other much. but rather because his presumtion of his own greatness is driving me insane. take for example yesterday – just to prove his superiority over the poor old me, he went and asked all his friends whether they thought he was better than me.
i think you can guess the result.

but, hey, for some reason i didn’t care.
it didn’t upset me at all, but it did make me wonder why he was doing all that. is that his way of trying to retain me in his arms? i don’t think he realises that i never was in his arms and god forbid i ever will be.
he is my project first and my boyfriend second.
not even a close second at that.   

that may sound ruthless, but believe me, it ain’t so. i’m only trying to help him, prepare him for the future. at the beginning i thought we could work, but then he disappointed and i thought i’d be a clever idea to try to “improve” him.
just for the hell of it.
i always wanted to “improve” someone – make them appreciate the arts more, motivate them to study harder, show them what it’s like to see perfection so close up, but i realise now that this process requires you to genuinely care for the person and now i’m not sure whether i care any more.

his arrogance will be the death of us.

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“The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

16. but that’s ok

the past two days have been all about A: her problems, tears, hopes, dreams and pains.
and that’s ok.
i can understand that.

she wakes me up at two in the morning with her phonecall, but doesn’t listen to what i have to say. she’s angry, she’s upset, but that’s ok. i let that go, even though i end up having only 3 hours of sleep in the end. because she’s hurting.

she makes me meet up with her the next day, on my christmas ( orthodox christian’s christmas is on the seventh of january. don’t asky me why), and has me stay with her the whole day, but doesn’t want to hear my reassurances.
but that’s ok, i understand.

she has me call up her ex, discuss it all with him, try to instill a sense of guilt in him ( for what? for him wanting to be merely friends now that, having dumped him, she wants him back? ) but that’s ok, because she’s my friend.

and i could go on, but i won’t. she hasn’t been the best character in the past two days. but that’s ok. after all, we all have those moments, don’t we?  

some of us just deal better with them, rely on others less and aren’t scared of new beginnings.

all she needs is just a little practice…

14. we all have dreams that won’t come true

so you’ve come back.
i’ve seen you with my own eyes today, the unruly curls of your hair falling on your face just slightly.
never a fan of curly hair, i don’t know why i’m meant to find you attractive. thought, you know, there is a delicate beauty in the sharpness of the contours of your face, the cheekbones protruding outwards, upwards, making a clean sweep. 

but you know, a concept of beauty was always alien to me. say what you will, but i can barely look at X and he’s your typical handsome guy, your typical ain’t-he-a-good-looking-boy. 

if i think about it, i’ve never seen a man who i could not find a bad feature in, physically or otherwise. 

i ask for too much.
i ask for the impossible. and oddly, sometimes i get it.

i told myself that this year i’d expect a little less. that i wouldn’t ask for what i can’t give back, but i now realise that was always the case. i never took without giving, no matter how little i was given. and yet, there was always just one thing i knew i’d never give wholly – myself. i could give a part of myself without a problem, but to give the whole of oneself – the dreams, the pain, the hopes and fears, the memories and future, the past and present… no, that i would not give.

i’m sure i could if i tried.
anything, with a little bit of determination and skill, is possible.

but i’m my own woman.
you wouldn’t want me if i wasn’t, so that’s ok. nor would Y or X or Z. the whole of my entourage seems to love me because i seem invincible.
you know that.
i know that. 
we both know that, really, you’re in love with an idea of an independent woman and i’m in love with the idea of a man making me dependent, tying me down in such a way that i don’t even know he’s doing it until it was too late.

we all have dreams.

we all have dreams that won’t come true.

11. i wish you’d seen me then

so here’s to new year!

yes, here’s to the year that will
       bring us more than last year ever could; 
       to the year that will teach us so much; 
       that will make us suffer and reward us in equal measure.
and i’ll remain hopeful, no matter what. in fact, i just can’t curb the excitement, butteflies rising up in the pit of my stomach every time i think of the year to come.
good butterflies, like the ones you get when you’re about to fall in love. even five hours out in the freezing cold waiting for big ben to strike midnight couldn’t stop them surfacing, every beat of their metaphorical wings bringing on yet another wave of unconditional joy.

we missed you though, our little group not quite whole without you. but hey, you couldn’t come, and that’s ok – the new decade started with you in our minds, rather than by our sides. and X wasn’t there either. family commitments, or rather a displeased father and a sister who came to celebrate new year with them. a sister he sees very rarely and seems to be quite pleased of that fact. 

i wished he could be there and i wished you were there.
but not at the same time.

and you know what? 
i loved it.
i loved every moment of that i-can’t-feel-my-toes-and-my-hands-have-gone-so-numb-that-i-can-barely-text-everyone-a-happy-new-year-and-i’ve-been-standing-here-for-longer-than-i-thought-possible-but-i-am-having-so-much-fun feeling. it was the very best feeling and think it was like that partly because i was determined to celebrate new year in style. oh the power of mind and of course the power of happiness.

it’s contagious don’t you know?

i wish you’d seen me then.