Tag Archives: life

the scream

i shout.
the pitch
above human hearing:
sharp piercing sound – a blade –
slitting time
and life
and space
inside me.

then,
lips come together,
in a brusque motion.
the slurmp of collision
runs through the body
and the rest is silence.

beneath the bones,
the scream solidifies
in the darkness of the soul.

108. flesh and blood

intrinsically, we are all the same: flesh and blood, bones and dust. and when we are born, the world flutters under the weight of us. we are the oxygen of life.

as a woman, it is hard not to feel the nautical beat of potential life swimming somewhere deep down inside, the taut knot tied tight. and only the tide of red flushing the possibility out is a concession of peace, a book falling shut with a gust of wind, oyster shell clamming up. we learn to breathe only for ourselves again.
we are liberated, we are free. from responsibility, from fear, from life, yet unborn, screaming to break out with a pair of lungs not yet formed.

and yet, on the other side of a coin, we are told that once formed, the foreign clump has rights? jeremy hunt and patriarchy. it’s men’s world, just as it ever was. we strive for humanity but religion clouds the eyes. are statistics not enough? what’s humane about bringing an unwanted child into the grim ouskirts of this world?

i grew up in ukraine. the newly independent, drained ukraine of the nineties, worse even than it is today. i was a hotly unticipated child, the following story is not about me. the story is about a friend of my mum’s who said something i will never forget. at christmas, i take my kids to visit an orphanage to see how lucky they are to growing up in a family.
there’s in excess of 100,000 orphans in ukraine even now. 90% of them still have living parents, parents who don’t want to or can’t look after them. at 16, when they leave orphanages, they, more often than not, take to the streets to live the life of crime.

now, i’m not saying abortion is right but if ever i was in a bad position, i’d want to have that second chance, the opportunity to do what’s right and not throw a part of me away onto the scrapheap of life. pro-choice was never just about women, it’s also about the suffering of children born only to be abandoned.

then again, what would you know about that, mr. jeremy hunt,  educated at oxford, born to a sir?

107. in the rain

sometimes i think i only live inside your blood because i haven’t learnt to live in seperation.

you’ve been saving me so long, you know. and now, how do i tell you that it wasn’t worth it, my love? death will come and get me in the end and it will transpire to you that i was always closer to plath than to anais.
the death instinct shakes the salt out of me, it’s the pearlescent blue of the vein branches;  it will reach the heart eventually, it’s always there, diffused in the blood.

i’m always going somewhere, bumping into hurts, renewing my lease on life. and we all know life doesn’t come cheap and death doesn’t come fast for plain janes like us. sometimes i wish to break the mould like sylvia plath, but for now you love me and i’m still tough and sharp like a piece of shattered glass.

i see vendors of big issue on the streets and i wish i could take them all in. as a child, i planned to set up a house where homeless would sleep until they got back on their feet. now, all grown up, i can only smile at such grand dreams and buy the magazine from the kind face smiling at me in the rain.

the world is full of pain.

98. to leave a mark somewhere

every year, a rebirth. that’s how we should be. no realism, only rose tinted glasses and steely determination: next year will be the year!
and since tomorrow never comes, those will be the fireworks, those will be the days!

every morning, neurons collide and i surface with a new approach to life. that’s how i am. and non, mon amour, i don’t wanna help it, ‘cos sometimes i’ll wake up forgetting and sometimes i’ll wake up regretting, imploding with memories in black and white. i like the uncertainty of it all. how little of the world really matters and how much a little thing can mean.

sometimes i can’t find the words to fill my mouth. that’s where you come in. 
met Y today. what had we left to say to each other? so much it seems. and i remember nothing. well, almost. we spoke for hours, walking. and he hasn’t really changed much. i’m still that girl inside a split cell in my brain. every hug with him is like the last hug and i think that’s what made me sad. but why? nothing matters when i’m in your arms, i know that much.
hold me tight and let me kiss you.
you are life.

for how many lives i’ve pushed myself into to leave a mark somewhere, to scrape a line in the sand? and it’ll be gone tomorrow, but all that matters is today. so all i say is, let the wind blow: tomorrow never comes, it’s but a distant friend.

since before i loved you

since before i loved you,
i dreamt of your eyes:
two slices of blue gulf
stripped along the horizon,
glistening
with a million years of rain.

i wanted them before i knew you,
i’m sure.

only they can penetrate me
with the force of a thousand burning suns.

i can feel them on my lips
through the sound of your breathing.

i love therefore i am.

———————————

sometimes i find it tough to show you that you’re the only one that matters in this life. and here you are: here i am.

91. cultivating life

a vibrant note of a harpsichord flies in: a coloured bird, a richly feathered parrot. i feel alive; a spark travelling down a strip of litmus paper, exhuberantly coloured, incadescently moving.

such highs and lows of mine, such cirles in the eyes. infinity of life? π?

i hate mathematics, but i refuse to adore a man who does not love its obtuse, precisely measured form. i want a boy with a logical way of thinking, the kind who won’t leave you hanging by a word in the dark. i would rather compose the long silences myself, make them stem from the fullness of my mouth and the soft silk of my thighs.

lately, i have said too much about S. it is enough.
he is too cold, a firefly without the carnal fire. i should like to see him cultivating life.

heat is in me

heat is in me,
humidity clawing out:
torrential,
silent,
gushing;
the promise of london rain unspoken.

birds fail to chirp outside your window,
heat stifles life
and i
take up the whole of your bed;
and time.