Tag Archives: mad

64. when its not lego you’re playing with

my friendships fade the way snowangels lose their shape in the hale of falling snow.
the past is covered up by the present. the future cares little for memories. if at all.

little girls think that prefection is attainable.
i did.
i wanted it all: the prince, the fairytale, the works. i wanted the golden carriage, the friends you can trust. friends who trust you.

would you believe me if i told you i almost had it all?

no. stop. look here. open your palm, recieve a crocodile tear. that’s what X would call the by-product of my pain. 
maybe he’s right. maybe i don’t feel. maybe every tear cried for someone else is selfish. maybe i’m crying only for myself.

and now, imagine.
imagine the girl you knew from pri-school, long time ago now, shuts you out. one of your best friends for god knows how many years. you let her. you can’t be chasing her. it’s all too much. let her get away. weeks later you get mad, mad at her for not caring about your friendship, about putting her creepy male friend first. she denies. and then she relents. she tells you everything. or so you presume. she lost her virginity to him. got pregnant by chance that very first time. passed out when she found out. lost the baby soon thereafter. is still with her girlfriend now.

now tell me, what would you do?

how can you bridge the world anew when it’s not lego you’re playing with any more, but life?


48. sweet as lemon sorbet

half my life, i’m freefalling, the other half – looking back on the sights i’ve seen in those few moments before my parachute opened, before the maddening rush of adrenaline was curbed by my safety net, the soft fabric above me saving me.
you are that fabric – the fabric of my life spun by the yarn of your love, by the generosity of those hands turning the spindle. 
all because you feel responsible for me. or maybe not.

in the end, my life’s my life: a merger of past faces, names, soft hands that once caressed my skin or longed to do so.
and you.
the thread of you’s the thread of me. and i want everyone you know to love me, unbearably, exquisitely so that you know the worth of love. so that you can count broken smiles knowing something inside them breaks for me.

an only child, i knew how to be painfully selfish. i learnt it well, my only teacher – solitude and parents’ love. but here i am, sister in tow, and still that only child rhetoric lives on in me. so once in a while, i feel in need of broken dreams of others to see my hope reflected in those pieces of looking-glass.

and if you can’t blame me who can blame me?
my friend once told me i was cruel to boys, to men, male counterparts. that i was cruel because my skattered gazes never solidified, my touch was soft but vapid, my hands gentle but uncaring. so what? i said it’s my revenge. 

and so it is.
as sweet as lemon sorbet melting on my lips.

40. chronic unhappiness

putting up with my chronic unhappiness must drive you mad, my love.
and though i want nothing more than for you to be happy always, sadness never near, as if you put a restraining order on it, don’t expect the same for me. truth is, i almost like being miserable. it’s like it’s my motivation to bring up every frustration at dinner time and know that very little of it really hurts me. 
so sweet to taste victory after proclaiming defeat. and when you start winning, you want more. you always want more.

noone ever died from wanting too much

and that could be the soundtrack to my life, it really could. 

the world is not enough
but it is such a perfect place to start, my love

but you don’t believe that do you?
you’re happy with the way we are, blissfully unaware of the way i hurt inside, thinking that you expect so much of me, the way every time i feel the burning need to give more and more, but seem able only to give less.

still, this is not the end.
i don’t believe there will be one, because i don’t want it to end. ever. but is that just me wanting too much again?

and right now i’m just not sure. yesterday hurt, if not you, then me. the conversation, the way you looked at me, the cold i felt eminating from the familiar warm mound of you on the bed there.
still, i’ll try to set the memories of our hurts alight, because really there aren’t that many. because i love you more than that.  

if we can’t have it all
then nobody will

but, my love, i’m afraid i can’t do a thing about my chronic unhapiness.
it’s become a part of me. just like you.

26. this and that

sometimes days just pass me by as i sit there waiting for the beep of my mobile phone. i can get mad at its inability of recieving an usent text message. the message you take all day to write, or rather not write, and that has much too little love in it to satiate the hungry beast within me, but just enough to make it worth the wait.
a daily ration i devour with my eyes.

yet i’m still in a turmoil, with or without your love, so what does it matter?

X still means a lot. more than he ever meant when we were together. not that i’ll ever let him in my life again, but it’s just to difficult to let go of a person completely.  and he doesn’t want to be friends. and he wants this and that. this and that.
like a spiral of hurt, this and that is tattooed on the insides of my eyelids. 
the next step is unloving his existence.
creating a distance.

but i need you near me. i need you here to take that step and not turn back to look into his eyes. those darn puppy eyes that kept me there for so long.
but don’t start thinking that i will break, that i will snap without you there to help me through.
i’ll just go look for a new conquest, a new heart whose scattered pieces i will grow to love, grow to need, until they fuse together, like they always do. 
then i’ll start again.
new place. new heart. new love that warms nothing but the futile burning dreams.

you know not to let me go.
so don’t.

20. i’m no mad doll, just a run-of-the-mill one

yesterday marked five months since the day i became X’s girlfriend.
on paper at least.
and it’s kind of scary in some strange way how long that is. for me, in any case.

it was just like any other day.
we didn’t even speak on the phone: he didn’t call and i had other people to speak to. i may be dependent, but i’m a free woman, or rather girl, still. and the funny thing is, i don’t think he even realised how frustrated and trapped i was feeling until this morning, when i decided that our anniversary (or in the very least, the day following it) ought to go out with a bang.

i had a perfect excuse, not that i really needed one, but hey. he was meeting up with a girl who blatantly likes him, behind my back. and when i say likes him, i mean likes him a lot.

she never told me that she did, but it’s evident. not just to me, to others too, and you know that. you were the one who suggested it in the first place. 
she talks about him, like he’s her boyfriend and not mine. and that’s alright. i don’t mind.

in fact, generally, i’d welcome such turn of events, ignore it or maybe gossip about it for a bit, but today i felt like drama. and not just any drama, but a argintinian-style melodrama, where every nuance is outrageous, where shock is everything and truth is nothing.

and that’s what i always wanted my life to be like, ever since i watched “Wild Angel”, or rather “Muñeca Brava”. i wanted to transform into that fearless heroine, that mad doll who’d always get what she wanted, no matter the cost. who actually knew what she wanted. who knew how to live.

but i realise i’m no mad doll, just a run-of-the-mill one, trying to be unique. still, what does it matter?
for a moment in my life, albeit a fairly brief one, i thought it counted who you were, but it doesn’t really. what matters is how well you can pretend you’re something you’re not. and i do that well.
a million different smiles, looks, mannerisms.

and so we fought. bitter words. silent anger coursing through viens. his. mine. 
but i know before the night falls, he’ll want to be in my arms again and i resent that fact. 

i resent resenting him and resenting me.
but that’s the way it’s gonna be.