i won’t wait on you,
but not because i don’t want to:
maybe i would have done on any other day—
that’s not to say that i don’t hate
standing at the train station waving at a departing train.
it’s not me, you understand?
in me there’s always an impulse to chase it.
just water, baby, to chase it.
just water, a silent drizzle of impending rain:
it’ll wash the world off your shirt—
and i will smell crisp cotton again.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged again, always, any, baby, because, chase, cotton, crisp, day, departing, don't, done, drizzle, hate, have, i, impending, impulse, it, maybe, me, not, off, on, other, poems, poetry, rain, say, shirt, silent, smell, standing, station, that, there, to, train, trains, understand, wait, want, wash, water, wave, waving, won't, world, would, you, your
what does it feel like to claim and not be claimed?
i used to know.
i remember knowing, living for the memories. and recollections come and go, but it’s been close to never since that was me, claiming the world without giving anything back. and the gold thread of freedom trailed behind me, uscathed, untouched.
now, that thread, ulcerous tail, no longer golden, only appears when there’s a total eclipse of the heart.
it’s my firestarter, the shot signalling a race, a way of loving myself more by loving you less.
and it’s nothing more than a joke – a special effect amidst an action movie; an actress screaming as ketchup flows from her imaginary wounds.
for you have become my all, mi vida, mi corazon.
you have claimed me, like france claims you again.
tonight, tomorrow, for days on end, you leave me here alone. no X, no Y, no admirers, no other loves. i cut those golden threads leaving only one.
my tarnished freedom. my back-up plan.
and i leave myslef vulnerable to you. to claim.
and maybe all i ever wanted was to be claimed, my rebellions just a show so that when the curtain call was done and i was in my dressing room, all alone, taking the make-up off my face, someone, anyone, would walk in and force me to my knees, making me love them without loving me back.
and then, i would know what it was like to love a spy in the house of love.
then, whatever i thought of them would be what the world thought of me and i would feel whatever the world felt after i claimed it.
and none of it would matter, because the world would still be mine.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged action, actress, admirer, again, all, alone, amidst, anyone, anything, appear, back, be, become, behind, call, claim, claimed, claims, close, come, corazon, curtain, cut, days, does, done, dressing, eclipse, effect, end, face, feel, felt, firestarter, flow, force, france, freedom, give, go, gold, golden, heart, here, house, i, imaginary, in, joke, ketchup, knees, know, leave, leaving, less, live, living, longer, love, loves, loving, make, make-up, matter, maybe, me, memories, mine, more, movie, my, myself, never, none, not, nothing, of, off, on, one, only, other, plan, race, rebellions, recollection, remember, room, scream, shot, show, signal, since, someone, special, spy, still, tail, take, tarnished, than, that, them, think, thought, thread, threads, to, tomorrow, tonight, total, trailed, ulcerous, unscathed, untouched, used, vida, vulnerable, walk, want, was, way, what, whatever, when, without, world, would, wounds, x, y, you
how did i manage to walk this yellow-brick road and stumble into the emerald city without any sense of realisation? without triumph or glory? without stopping to admire the view?
how is it that i almost can’t remember what my Auntie Em looked like or of how i’ve grown into these ruby slippers, mine by default and no more?
and darling, how comes it none of it matters any more?
my past is past.
i remember i worried that it may not last. that it’ll lose itself in the water of oblivion somewhere in the base of forbidden fountain. but i know now that the cyclone that brought me here will never return. that chasm has been closed off forever as of today.
my citizenship application has been successful and i am ready to see where else this yellow brick leads.
so here i am now, cruising this jade-encrusted city, as the green glass glitters in the pale light of the setting sun.
my toto has run off, or maybe he was never here, but what does it matter? i was always meant to walk these streets alone. and somewhere in the distance i hear the wizard command “close your eyes and tap your heels together three times. and think to yourself, there’s no place like home.”
so i do.
and i remain standing just where i was, the bright lights of london like a disco.
my own private party.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged admire, almost, alone, always, any, application, auntie, base, been, brick, bright, brought, can't, chasm, citizenship, city, close, closed, command, cruise, cruising, cyclone, darling, default, did, disco, distance, do, else, em, emerald, encrusted, eyes, forbidden, forever, fountain, glass, glitter, glory, green, grown, has, he, hear, heels, here, home, how, itself, jade, just, know, last, lead, light, lights, like, london, looked, lose, manage, matter, may, maybe, me, meant, mine, more, musings, my, never, no, not, now, oblivion, off, own, pale, party, place, private, ready, realisation, remain, remeber, remember, return, road, ruby, run, see, sense, setting, slippers, so, somewhere, standing, stop, stopping, streets, stumble, successful, sun, tap, there, there's, these, think, this, three, times, today, together, toto, triumph, view, walk, was, water, what, where, will, without, wizard, worried, writing, yellow, your, yourself
have you noticed we always have this thing of bringing up the pain before we part, as if we need that food for thought in seperation?
and late at night, when lights are off, we lay there in deep silence engulfed by other person’s hurt, forgetting ours so well. and every shadow on the wall from passing cars or people we see from our beds is just another memory of me and you and this.
last night i laid there recieving the night like hapless counterpart, ill all day, i was happy to recline back in my bed, my throat like partched white paper, both inside and out. and your voice was like my savior, a ray of sunlight in the realm of the shadows, as i listened to your every syllable over the sleek grey phone, loving and unloving every word.
but one phrase or maybe more snapped a tight elastic around my heart, that forbidden line where the predator in me sleeps, and the rush of blood to the head roused me. containing the beast within me as best as i could, i asked you not to talk about it again. but you did and i snapped outright, a lion roar echoing in the enclosure of my room.
and then i told you the bitter truths.
and then i had to go.
and at midnight, we parted with a soft beep and a stone upon our chests.
in my realm, nightmares followed.
in yours, a silent thought of me.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, all, always, another, around, ask, back, beast, bed, beds, beep, before, best, bitter, blood, both, bring, cars, chest, containing, could, counterpart, day, deep, echo, elastic, enclosure, engulfed, every, food, forbidden, forget, from, grey, hapless, have, head, heart, hurt, ill, inside, laid, last, late, lay, lights, like, line, lion, listen, loving, maybe, me, memory, midnight, more, musings, my, need, night, nightmare, nightmares, noticed, off, one, other, ours, out, outright, pain, paper, parched, part, parted, passing, people, person, phone, phrase, predator, ray, realm, recieving, recline, roar, room, rouse, rush, savious, see, seperation, shadow, shadows, silence, silent, sleeps, snap, soft, stone, sunlight, syllable, talk, thing, this, thought, throat, tight, told, truths, unloving, upon, voice, wall, well, where, white, word, writing, you
wish we’d have cordoned it off,
like an act of protest,
the wind beating at the cordons,
trying to break down the strips of pinstriped yellow
their fluorescence screaming out
for the whole world to see
i long we’d start again
so we could have barricaded it off,
wooded board on wooden board,
vow on vow on vow,
trapping death and trapping love
so that A&E men in their white coats
would not get past us to resuscitate it
so that our love could go on being
the death within the life of us.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged a&e, again, and, barricade, beat, being, board, cordon, death, fluorescence, ideas, life, long, love, off, poem, poetry, protest, resuscitate, scream, start, thought, thoughts, trap, vow, whole, wind, wish, wood, world, writing, yellow