the past two days have been all about A: her problems, tears, hopes, dreams and pains.
and that’s ok.
i can understand that.
she wakes me up at two in the morning with her phonecall, but doesn’t listen to what i have to say. she’s angry, she’s upset, but that’s ok. i let that go, even though i end up having only 3 hours of sleep in the end. because she’s hurting.
she makes me meet up with her the next day, on my christmas ( orthodox christian’s christmas is on the seventh of january. don’t asky me why), and has me stay with her the whole day, but doesn’t want to hear my reassurances.
but that’s ok, i understand.
she has me call up her ex, discuss it all with him, try to instill a sense of guilt in him ( for what? for him wanting to be merely friends now that, having dumped him, she wants him back? ) but that’s ok, because she’s my friend.
and i could go on, but i won’t. she hasn’t been the best character in the past two days. but that’s ok. after all, we all have those moments, don’t we?
some of us just deal better with them, rely on others less and aren’t scared of new beginnings.
all she needs is just a little practice…
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged angry, character, christmas, days, deal, discuss, dreams, ex, friend, frienship, hopes, hurting, listen, meet up, moments, morning, my friend, new beginnings, ok, phonecall, practice, problems, realy, reassurance, scared, sleep, tears, two, understand, upset, whole
i wonder if i’ve gone crazy in the last couple of months, assuming that everyone but me is wrong, at least a little wrong in their perception of life. maybe it was i who was wrong, who pushed people to the brink, making them close up like a venus trap. then again, maybe it was them. hey, who knows. all i know is, things seem so much different these days.
take X for example.
called him today – we’re going ice-skating tomorrow you see. i wasn’t going to mourn your going away by sitting at home thinking of how much fun you must be having listening to all those people talking in a language so much more fluid than mine, with much sexier accents than mine, their much sharper features than mine making you fall in love with them.
so yes, as i was saying… i called him up just now, a little while ago. we have just finished the conversation in fact. didn’t expect much from that phone call really. you know how it is – no substance, pauses stretching into what seems like eternity, that sort of stuff. but that wasn’t it. that wasn’t it at all. he talked so well, so freely, as if he wasn’t the boy i used to know at all. as if he wasn’t the reason i turned to you for conversation and understanding in the first place. as if he changed. as if i changed him.
it’s strange, you know, i can almost picture a happy ending with him.
not quite bliss, but something close.
mutual awareness of the world around us.
yes, i can see it all – the galleries, the parties, even the nights in. i couldn’t see that there before. maybe because i didn’t believe.
but what changed?
so we talked for an hour, me and him. it wasn’t forced as usual, it wasn’t difficult on either party. it was comforting.
with you gone, if only for a little while, i know i can now put the effort into me and him. there were times i thought i could avoid it. there were times i resented him for even being there, but he cares. as do you of course, but you won’t be there, so your eyes won’t have to witness my betrayal.
enjoy your trip to france, boy.
if only for a little while
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged boy, call, change, conventionality, conversation, dream, ending, france, girl, happy, happy ending, ice-skating, life, love, perception, phone, phonecall, resent, right, thought, writing, wrong, x