will anybody tell me if i’m missing out on life?
will anyone write me a letter just so i know?
and everybody seems to be making a film, a compilation of their thoughts right here, right now. irony is, i’m wasting my words on the wind, across the telephone wires that stretch inside my head. and when i am brave enough to speak my words out, they are spoken to you alone. what about the rest of the world? how will they ever know?
you made a film with your friends. i guess that’s what you do in youth.
me? i used to leave my colouring books blank for fear of spoiling them. funny me.
and whenever creativity came to me, i wrote the words, drew the pictures on scraps of paper. i still have some of them. little pieces of my mind written in quickhand.
and though none of them relate to you, all that i remember of X is there: they are silent exultations, utterances of pain and dreams. they are free.
sometimes, i still wish i coloured those pictures in.
and sometimes i know there’s no use wishing: it’s all too late now. i’ve sketched my life out in this morning sunshine. whatever happens now was always meant to be.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged about, across, all, alone, always, am, and, anybody, anyone, are, be, blank, books, brave, came, coloured, colouring, compilation, creativity, do, dreams, drew, enough, ever, everybody, exhultations, fear, film, films, free, friends, funny, guess, happen, have, head, here, how, in, inside, irony, is, just, know, late, leave, letter, life, little, made, making, me, meant, mind, missing, morning, my, no, none, now, of, out, pain, paper, petry, pictures, pieces, prose, quickhand, relate, remember, rest, right, scraps, seems, silent, sketched, so, some, sometimes, speak, spoil, spoken, still, stretch, sunshine, telephone, tell, that, the, their, them, they, this, those, though, thoughts, to, to be, too, use, used, utterance, wasting, what, whatever, when, whenever, will, wind, wires, wish, wishing, words, world, write, written, wrote, xthere, you, your, youth
can you tell me, why de ja vu haunts me like a predator stalking its only surviving prey? the de ja vu, embossed with its frenchness. just like you. just like those kisses you plant on my lips, their buds opening in the middle of the darkest nights, as i wake in cold sweat, clammy hands turning on the lights to chase the demons away.
and i realise, that love is french, italian, dominican. but more than that, it’s foreign to all of us. it’s language – mysterious hum in the early-morning air, it’s lands – unbounded by borders, it’s people waking up every morning, just like the rest of us, seductive scent of coffee in their kitchens, shatter of broken cups imprinting its echo on the windows.
and when i think of love, i think of the mess that coffee would make, drops collecting, puddle spreading with every beat of the heart. my mess.
and it doesnt touch you. you’re not really here. not entirely.
and love doesn’t cut you with its broken china or stain your slippers with instant coffee, fresh those marble tiles.
does it touch you at all?
it’s been three months now and i’ve nothing to tell me that i’m yours, only a herbarium of those flowers you bought me the day my mother went to the zoo with my little sister in tow.
only a dead plant, in an envelope somewhere, next to Y’s unopened loveletters and the note that X kissed so that a part of him may remain with me forever, or whatever his reasoning was.
and at night, in somebody’s kitchen, in a land far away, my heartbeat keeps the coffee flowing.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged air, all, away, beat, border, bought, broken, bud, buds, can, chase, china, clammy, coffee, cold, collect, cups, cut, darkest, de ja vu, dead, demons, dominican, drop, drops, early, echo, embossed, entirely, envelope, every, far, flowers, flowing, foreign, forever, french, frenchness, fresh, hands, haunt, heart, heartbeat, herbarium, here, him, his, hum, imprint, instant, italian, just, keeps, kiss, kissed, kitchen, kitchens, land, lands, language, letters, light, lights, like, lips, little, love, make, marble, may, me, mess, middle, mither, months, morning, my, mysterious, next, night, note, nothing, now, of, only, open, out, part, people, plant, predator, prey, puddle, realise, really, reasoning, remain, rest, scent, seductive, shatter, sister, slippers, somebody, somewhere, spread, stain, stalk, survive, sweat, tell, that, think, three, tiles, touch, tow, turn, unbounded, unopened, us, wake, wake up, waking, was, went, whatever, window, with, x, y, you, yours, zoo
and we are one, your kisses – multitudes of words, your heart beating out the rhythm in the lagoon of poetry that is life. somehow no longer my life and your life, but our life; two rivers merging into one. who knows if and where they will split again?
and this happiness is odd, overpowering, ostentatious.
this happiness cares for noone and nothing. it surges through my arteries when you hold me close, crowning my cheeks with a rose-tinted glow, as if i was the princess and you were the pea, keeping me awake at night when all i wanted was a warm bed to rest in.
and i’ve grown romantic. through the lack of sleep or else, illness. got myself a little diary with pictures of Paris in it, just so i could mark the date of us, the real beginning, in it, next to la Tour Eiffel, or next to le Bon Marché or maybe even in the calendar slot where it should be – the 6th of april.
and i have. i put a cross there, in that empty white box, a little “x”. a flittering kiss, a mark of my love, whatever one may take it for.
and though you may never see it or hear of it, it will always be there.
it reassures me i that i learnt how to love again.
after X, after Y.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged after, again, all, always, april, are, artery, awake, be, beat, bed, beginning, box, calendar, care, cares, cheeks, close, could, crown, date, diary, else, empty, flittering, for, glow, got, grown, hapiness, have, hear, heart, hold, how, if, illness, in, just, keep, kiss, kisses, know, lack, lagoon, learnt, life, little, longer, love, mark, may, me, merge, multitude, musings, my, myself, night, noone, nothing, obstentatious, odd, one, or, our, overpowering, Paris, pea, pictures, poetry, princess, put, real, reassure, reassures, rest, rhythm, rivers, romantic, rose, see, should, sleep, slot, so, split, surge, take, there, though, through, tint, two, us, want, wanted, warm, we, whatever, when, where, while, words, writing, x, y, your