the week is nearly over. again.
and it feels like rain on skin in the heat of summer, raising goosebumps in spite of its warmth.
i never want anything to end.
not even nightmares.
i drag them out carefully, tossing and turning, roasting, like a pig, in my own cold sweat.
i had one every night this week. sometimes two. and i remember. i don’t keep tabs on my subconsiousness because it scares me. the brutality of the mind always scares me. and i dream of death. of death and failure.
y flores. flores para los muertos.
right now, my world is a house made of paper: cards with pretty scribbles on them, where blanche‘s words i lived in a house where dying old women remembered their dead men have more than substance; they have depth to go on and on, revolving in my head.
i’ve seen them from every angle. i swear.
what is it with death?
i’ve always said i have to die before the one i love. i couldn’t stand life otherwise. and i’ve made you promise you won’t die before me. i’ve made you promise me the unthinkable, the unpredictable, the unpromisable.
i did it just because sometimes i just need to know that you won’t die.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, always, ange, anything, because, before, blanche du bois, brutality, card, cards, carefully, cold, dead, death, did, die, drag, dream, dying, end, even, every, failure, feel, feels, flores, goosebumps, have, head, heat, house, is, it, just, keep, know, life, like, live, love, made, me, men, mind, more, my, nearly, need, never, night, nightmares, not, now, on, one, otherwise, out, over, own, paper, para, pig, promise, prose, rain, raise, remember, remembered, revolve, right, scare, scribbles, seen, skin, sometimes, spite, stand, subconsiousness, substance, summer, swear, sweat, tabs, the, their, them, they, this, to, toss, turn, two, unpredictable, unpromisable, unthinkable, want, warmth, week, what, where, women, won't, words, world, you
dear world, i’m writing to you tonight. everyone else is either waiting for my call or doesn’t care at all and i’m tired of always turning up on time, of always taking no more than is mine, of feeling guilty for having the sheer components of this life.
i’m meant to be hopeful. imagine! i’m meant to dream, as if i haven’t dreamt all my life. i’m meant to be good, as if i’m not already on my best behaviour. i’m meant to burn without fire. is this what they call desire? surely not!
i’m told i have an addition to my caged harem. S. whipped into submission, you’d think. can you think, dear world?
another poor boy. never out of my sight, never in my bed. i should either lay him or let him go, no? no.
i will be crude tonight for i have an itch in my gut. the bile of the world is rising in my throat. and you can gloat. dear world, please gloat. because i will keep on living, so long dear god keeps forgiving all my wrongs and rights.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged addition, all, already, always, another, at, be, because, bed, behaviour, best, bile, boy, burn, caged, call, can, care, components, crude, dear, desire, dream, dreamt, either, else, everyone, feel, feeling, fire, forgiving, gloat, go, God, good, guilty, gut, harem, have, him, hopeful, imagine, itch, keep, keeps, lay, let, life, living, long, meant, mine, more, my, never, no, not, please, poems, poetry, poor, right, rights, rising, sheer, should, sight, submission, surely, take, than, they, think, this, throat, time, tired, to, told, tonight, turning, up, wait, waiting, whip, will, without, world, write, writing, wrongs, you
yes: cut the tension with blue zircon,
or sparkling, glittering blue ice
and the rain may stop falling,
slowly dripping on us |
know: truth is no more than beauty,
one slow and amorous affair
of which artistes have softly spoken
with many tongues and their right hands |
still, love is here: a polished topaz
resembling one slowly falling sky,
created aimlessly – exception to the rule,
where rules and promises are one |
and here am i: nor love nor truth nor beauty,
a sudden stop
in pauses of this life.
you see me now.
it that enough?
Posted in excerpts
Tagged affair, aimlessly, am, amorous, and, artist, artiste, beauty, blue, created, cut, drip, enough, exception, fall, falling, glittering, hands, here, ice, know, life, love, many, may, me, more, no, nor, now, one, pauses, poems, poetry, polished, promise, promises, rain, resemble, right, rule, rules, see, sky, slow, slowly, softly, sparkling, spoken, still, stop, sudden, tension, that, their, this, tongues, topaz, truth, us, where, which, with, yes, you, zircon
my friendships fade the way snowangels lose their shape in the hale of falling snow.
the past is covered up by the present. the future cares little for memories. if at all.
little girls think that prefection is attainable.
i did.
i wanted it all: the prince, the fairytale, the works. i wanted the golden carriage, the friends you can trust. friends who trust you.
would you believe me if i told you i almost had it all?
no. stop. look here. open your palm, recieve a crocodile tear. that’s what X would call the by-product of my pain.
maybe he’s right. maybe i don’t feel. maybe every tear cried for someone else is selfish. maybe i’m crying only for myself.
and now, imagine.
imagine the girl you knew from pri-school, long time ago now, shuts you out. one of your best friends for god knows how many years. you let her. you can’t be chasing her. it’s all too much. let her get away. weeks later you get mad, mad at her for not caring about your friendship, about putting her creepy male friend first. she denies. and then she relents. she tells you everything. or so you presume. she lost her virginity to him. got pregnant by chance that very first time. passed out when she found out. lost the baby soon thereafter. is still with her girlfriend now.
now tell me, what would you do?
how can you bridge the world anew when it’s not lego you’re playing with any more, but life?
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, ago, all, almost, anew, any, attainable, away, baby, believe, best, bridge, but, by, can, care, cares, carriage, chance, chase, covered, creepy, cried, crocodile, crying, denies, did, do, don't, else, every, eveything, fade, fairytale, falling, feel, first, for, found, friend, friends, friendship, friendships, from, future, get, girl, girlfriend, girls, God, got, had, hale, her, here, him, how, imagine, is, it, it's, knew, know, later, lego, let, life, little, long, look, lose, lost, mad, male, many, maybe, me, memories, more, much, myself, no, not, now, of, one, only, open, out, pain, palm, passed, past, perfection, playing, pregnant, present, presume, pri-school, prince, product, prose, putting, recieve, relents, right, selfish, shape, she, shuts, snow, snowangels, someone, soon, still, stop, tear, tell, tells, that, the, their, thereafter, think, time, to, told, too, very, virginity, wanted, way, weeks, what, when, who, with, works, world, would, years, you, your
war poets must have loved
with every chamber of their hearts
no matter bullets
raining on the world;
no matter sun
that never did come out;
each man knew love
and he was love, for love was him;
war poets must have loved enough
to fill the world with dead
in the name of living love
right here
right now.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged bullet, bullets, chamber, come, dead, did, enough, every, fill, he, heart, here, him, knew, living, love, loved, man, matter, must, never, no, now, out, poems, poet, poetry, poets, rain, right, sum, war, was, with, world
glittering soot on her eyelashes 
