above human hearing:
sharp piercing sound – a blade –
lips come together,
in a brusque motion.
the slurmp of collision
runs through the body
and the rest is silence.
beneath the bones,
the scream solidifies
in the darkness of the soul.
blackout before my eyes.
blood, scalpel, heart, darkness. and then my mother’s voice, soothing, recieving, full of love.
i fell softly, straight into the recovery postion, noiselessly, languidly, water flowing downhill, gurlging softly at the impact with the rocks. as if i’m used to this. as if.
and there was drama, panic, shock, laughter even, lab oozing with emotion like a devil sick of sin.
noone would have ever guessed that i would faint: i was strong. a rock. a pillar. nobody’s princess.
but there it was. pig’s heart. or lamb’s. whichever. i cut it open, hands almost firm, quite agile. who knew how i was trembling deep inside? i didn’t scream or flinch, i looked at it from inside out, i smiled and laughed and feigned disgust. i know how to put on an act.
tension released, i fell like a birch leaf in the autumn gust.
standing there passive, watching older, firmer hands cut right through a heart, talking of it, the ventricles, the muscles, the–
that was too much.
no use for me as such.
are you surprised i crumbled or rather that i didn’t crumble straightaway?
whichever one, that’s quite okay.
i came around.
before you know it, i’ll pick the scalpel up again.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged act, again, agile, almost, around, autumn, before, birch, blackout, blood, came, crumble, crumbled, cut, darkness, deep, devil, disgust, downhill, drama, emotion, even, eyes, faint, feigned, fell, firm, firmer, flinch, flow, from, full, guessed, gurgling, gust, hands, have, heart, how, if, impact, inside, into, knew, know, knowhow, lab, lamb, languidly, laughed, laughter, leaf, like, look, love, me, mother, much, muscles, no, nobody, noiselessly, noone, okay, older, one, ooze, open, out, panic, passive, pick, pig, pillar, position, princess, prose, put, quite, rather, recieving, recovery, released, rock, rocks, scalpel, scream, shock, sick, sin, smiled, softly, soothing, stand, straight, straightaway, strong, such, surprised, talk, tension, that, there, through, too, trembling, use, used, ventricles, voice, was, watch, water, whichever, who, with, would, yet, you
what does it feel like to claim and not be claimed?
i used to know.
i remember knowing, living for the memories. and recollections come and go, but it’s been close to never since that was me, claiming the world without giving anything back. and the gold thread of freedom trailed behind me, uscathed, untouched.
now, that thread, ulcerous tail, no longer golden, only appears when there’s a total eclipse of the heart.
it’s my firestarter, the shot signalling a race, a way of loving myself more by loving you less.
and it’s nothing more than a joke – a special effect amidst an action movie; an actress screaming as ketchup flows from her imaginary wounds.
for you have become my all, mi vida, mi corazon.
you have claimed me, like france claims you again.
tonight, tomorrow, for days on end, you leave me here alone. no X, no Y, no admirers, no other loves. i cut those golden threads leaving only one.
my tarnished freedom. my back-up plan.
and i leave myslef vulnerable to you. to claim.
and maybe all i ever wanted was to be claimed, my rebellions just a show so that when the curtain call was done and i was in my dressing room, all alone, taking the make-up off my face, someone, anyone, would walk in and force me to my knees, making me love them without loving me back.
and then, i would know what it was like to love a spy in the house of love.
then, whatever i thought of them would be what the world thought of me and i would feel whatever the world felt after i claimed it.
and none of it would matter, because the world would still be mine.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged action, actress, admirer, again, all, alone, amidst, anyone, anything, appear, back, be, become, behind, call, claim, claimed, claims, close, come, corazon, curtain, cut, days, does, done, dressing, eclipse, effect, end, face, feel, felt, firestarter, flow, force, france, freedom, give, go, gold, golden, heart, here, house, i, imaginary, in, joke, ketchup, knees, know, leave, leaving, less, live, living, longer, love, loves, loving, make, make-up, matter, maybe, me, memories, mine, more, movie, my, myself, never, none, not, nothing, of, off, on, one, only, other, plan, race, rebellions, recollection, remember, room, scream, shot, show, signal, since, someone, special, spy, still, tail, take, tarnished, than, that, them, think, thought, thread, threads, to, tomorrow, tonight, total, trailed, ulcerous, unscathed, untouched, used, vida, vulnerable, walk, want, was, way, what, whatever, when, without, world, would, wounds, x, y, you
wish we’d have cordoned it off,
like an act of protest,
the wind beating at the cordons,
trying to break down the strips of pinstriped yellow
their fluorescence screaming out
for the whole world to see
i long we’d start again
so we could have barricaded it off,
wooded board on wooden board,
vow on vow on vow,
trapping death and trapping love
so that A&E men in their white coats
would not get past us to resuscitate it
so that our love could go on being
the death within the life of us.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged a&e, again, and, barricade, beat, being, board, cordon, death, fluorescence, ideas, life, long, love, off, poem, poetry, protest, resuscitate, scream, start, thought, thoughts, trap, vow, whole, wind, wish, wood, world, writing, yellow