39. loving a lie


oh yes, last night was great. i love the way life works you know: on the night you were away, X was told about you and me.
poor boy.
what sort of friends kick you when you’re down? evidently, his.

i heard you have a new boyfriend.
you used to mention his name so much.

and so what if i talked to him about you?  so what if i talked to you about him?
i tried to show you people the whole of me and not the parts you wanted to see. i wanted to prevent you from loving a lie. who knows how i fared? maybe you still are.

but i won’t lie. i never have and i won’t lie to you now – i still give a damn about what’s going on in his life and i never want to let go of this translucent thread between him and me, spanning like a spider’s web into realms of nothingness.
me and X, we don’t see eye to eye, we don’t speak on the phone, we barely exchange a word electronically, but i still don’t want to let go of this remnant. the remnant of my past that lingers like a memory of rich perfume in the cold night air. because there were good times. there were.

and i guess that’s selfish of me, and i guess i’m weak, but i never asked for forgiveness, just acceptance, so when he asks and you need to be gone, why are you still here? and i reply because i still care, i need you to believe me that it’s you i want, not him.

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14 responses to “39. loving a lie

  1. moondustwriter

    love from the past is so like that thin piece of spider web. It can pull on you years down the road with a tug of memories.
    Be strong and love my dear!!!

    hugs from the moon

  2. This is all too familiar…I’ve been in the same position. I especially like the line: “i never want to let go of this translucent thread between him and me, spanning like a spider’s web into realms of nothingness.” Isn’t it so true. Very nice.

  3. You talk of weakness, and yet show strength in your actions. It takes courage to admit that you can’t fully let go, and strength to talk about it. It seems that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
    I love the phrase “lingers like a memory of rich perfume in the cold night air”, it conjures a beautiful image rich with metaphor.

  4. oh dear. :( exes eh?

    i still give a damn about what’s going on in his life and i never want to let go of this translucent thread between him and me, spanning like a spider’s web into realms of nothingness.

    beautiful. :)

  5. “i wanted to prevent you from loving a lie” that is a rather beautiful line and stimulating food for thought. Thanks

  6. “i never want to let go of this translucent thread between him and me, spanning like a spider’s web into realms of nothingness.”

    oh and such a dangerous web we weave…
    its almost like an elegant wickedness within your truth..
    some times a lie has its purpose..
    some times a lie needs to be loved as well..

    i enjoyed the read…

  7. ‘translucent thread between him and me, spanning like a spider’s web into realms of nothingness’

    loved this piece :)

  8. thank you all guys!!
    really really really appreciate it :)

  9. i tried to show you people the whole of me and not the parts you wanted to see

    So brave and so honest. Your words amaze me and so does your heart. Beautiful xx

  10. line after line this was succulent.. having things out in the open, baring our soul and putting our weakness on a platter is not an easy task, but the weight of truth outweighs the ugliness of it all.

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