what does it feel like to claim and not be claimed?
i used to know.
i remember knowing, living for the memories. and recollections come and go, but it’s been close to never since that was me, claiming the world without giving anything back. and the gold thread of freedom trailed behind me, uscathed, untouched.
now, that thread, ulcerous tail, no longer golden, only appears when there’s a total eclipse of the heart.
it’s my firestarter, the shot signalling a race, a way of loving myself more by loving you less.
and it’s nothing more than a joke – a special effect amidst an action movie; an actress screaming as ketchup flows from her imaginary wounds.
for you have become my all, mi vida, mi corazon.
you have claimed me, like france claims you again.
tonight, tomorrow, for days on end, you leave me here alone. no X, no Y, no admirers, no other loves. i cut those golden threads leaving only one.
my tarnished freedom. my back-up plan.
and i leave myslef vulnerable to you. to claim.
and maybe all i ever wanted was to be claimed, my rebellions just a show so that when the curtain call was done and i was in my dressing room, all alone, taking the make-up off my face, someone, anyone, would walk in and force me to my knees, making me love them without loving me back.
and then, i would know what it was like to love a spy in the house of love.
then, whatever i thought of them would be what the world thought of me and i would feel whatever the world felt after i claimed it.
and none of it would matter, because the world would still be mine.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged action, actress, admirer, again, all, alone, amidst, anyone, anything, appear, back, be, become, behind, call, claim, claimed, claims, close, come, corazon, curtain, cut, days, does, done, dressing, eclipse, effect, end, face, feel, felt, firestarter, flow, force, france, freedom, give, go, gold, golden, heart, here, house, i, imaginary, in, joke, ketchup, knees, know, leave, leaving, less, live, living, longer, love, loves, loving, make, make-up, matter, maybe, me, memories, mine, more, movie, my, myself, never, none, not, nothing, of, off, on, one, only, other, plan, race, rebellions, recollection, remember, room, scream, shot, show, signal, since, someone, special, spy, still, tail, take, tarnished, than, that, them, think, thought, thread, threads, to, tomorrow, tonight, total, trailed, ulcerous, unscathed, untouched, used, vida, vulnerable, walk, want, was, way, what, whatever, when, without, world, would, wounds, x, y, you
how did i manage to walk this yellow-brick road and stumble into the emerald city without any sense of realisation? without triumph or glory? without stopping to admire the view?
how is it that i almost can’t remember what my Auntie Em looked like or of how i’ve grown into these ruby slippers, mine by default and no more?
and darling, how comes it none of it matters any more?
my past is past.
i remember i worried that it may not last. that it’ll lose itself in the water of oblivion somewhere in the base of forbidden fountain. but i know now that the cyclone that brought me here will never return. that chasm has been closed off forever as of today.
my citizenship application has been successful and i am ready to see where else this yellow brick leads.
so here i am now, cruising this jade-encrusted city, as the green glass glitters in the pale light of the setting sun.
my toto has run off, or maybe he was never here, but what does it matter? i was always meant to walk these streets alone. and somewhere in the distance i hear the wizard command “close your eyes and tap your heels together three times. and think to yourself, there’s no place like home.”
so i do.
and i remain standing just where i was, the bright lights of london like a disco.
my own private party.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged admire, almost, alone, always, any, application, auntie, base, been, brick, bright, brought, can't, chasm, citizenship, city, close, closed, command, cruise, cruising, cyclone, darling, default, did, disco, distance, do, else, em, emerald, encrusted, eyes, forbidden, forever, fountain, glass, glitter, glory, green, grown, has, he, hear, heels, here, home, how, itself, jade, just, know, last, lead, light, lights, like, london, looked, lose, manage, matter, may, maybe, me, meant, mine, more, musings, my, never, no, not, now, oblivion, off, own, pale, party, place, private, ready, realisation, remain, remeber, remember, return, road, ruby, run, see, sense, setting, slippers, so, somewhere, standing, stop, stopping, streets, stumble, successful, sun, tap, there, there's, these, think, this, three, times, today, together, toto, triumph, view, walk, was, water, what, where, will, without, wizard, worried, writing, yellow, your, yourself
dig up the past just to hold its skull in my palm, like hamlet, and exclaim alas poor, Yorick ( or X or Y )… here hung those lips that i have kissed i know not how oft. where be your jibes now?
and that’s exactly what i do. defiant proclamation of my freedom when others rot in dim despair. i rise above them like a phoenix. though dead’s my past love, i’m yet alive to love you.
speaking to X today was almost a tragedy, Shakespearean, or else a Chekhov masterpiece of irony and loss.
his unhappiness at life, unjustified, seemed clearer, more logical, than my reasoned joy. he has that girl, you may remember? call her S1, for lack of better name. and yet, as i predicted, he needs that push she’s not providing; he wants a mother or else – a friend. but there she is, a girl he has to love back too. that too was never his.
and tragedy or none, he lost all i left him with, those shards of glass my heart had flaked upon his recieving palm. i used them to change him, but they are gone.
snowflakes have melted from the heat.
and he daren’t say it, but romance to him is dead, and hope vanishes at night, like a fleeting memory of me. and i just wish he’d love her more.
i’m not writing any lyrics for her
i realised they mean nothing
if that is love, then we are lost. lost souls where silence is the only truth. and yet, my love, that doesn’t scare me. my only fixation is that skull, it’s pearly mass so solid in my hands.
alas, poor Yorick.
alas, poor X.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged above, alas, alive, almost, change, dare, daren't, dead, defiant, despair, dim, do, exactly, exclaim, exclamation, fixation, flake, flaked, fleeting, freedom, from, gip, glass, gone, had, hamlet, hands, have, heart, heat, her, here, his, hold, hope, hung, jibes, just, kiss, know, left, like, lips, lost, love, lyrics, mass, me, mean, melt, memory, more, night, none, not, nothing, now, only, others, palm, past, pearly, phoenix, poor, realise, recieve, recieving, rise, romance, rot, say, scare, silence, skull, snowflake, solid, souls, speak, them, they, those, today, tragedy, truth, up, upon, use, vanish, wish, x, yet, you
war poets must have loved
with every chamber of their hearts
no matter bullets
raining on the world;
no matter sun
that never did come out;
each man knew love
and he was love, for love was him;
war poets must have loved enough
to fill the world with dead
in the name of living love
Posted in excerpts
Tagged bullet, bullets, chamber, come, dead, did, enough, every, fill, he, heart, here, him, knew, living, love, loved, man, matter, must, never, no, now, out, poems, poet, poetry, poets, rain, right, sum, war, was, with, world
our whole life is a mess of those fridays. we know them so well. the fridays when we go somewhere and one of us, at some point, any point at all, ends up feeling miserable.
i’m no magician, my love. can’t turn grey into a million of colours, can barely turn grey at all. but together we almost manage, the shade changing from darkness to light, from dawn to night.
friday was nothing more than that, you must understand. a sort of middle ground for all our ghosts to come out. and mine did. X was there, as was his new love interest, or rather his soon-to-be ex-love-interest.
she goes through men faster than i go through lingerie and yes, we know her. she catches our train sometimes and don’t you just love the way she talks of her life so freely? i never could quite muster that attitude. you know the one: where casual sex is just another bad habit she really must give up; where a ciggie on the sly hasn’t hurt anyone and two-timing is merely a way to make two people happy at the same time.
but no, i do exaggerate.
still, do not think me bitter for i am not. not at all. and it only seems so because i’d rather people see a tint of jealousy in me than see nothing at all.
and you must remember your promise: you said you won’t get upset at such occasions.
and when the past runs before your retinas again, scanning for weakness, don’t be too quick to give up on our happy ending, where cinderella meets her prince charming.
and the glass slipper never shatters.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, all, almost, any, anyone, at, attitude, bad, barely, be, before, can't, casual, catch, change, charming, ciggie, cinderella, colours, come, darkness, dawn, did, do, don't, end, ending, ex, exaggerate, faster, feel, for, free, freely, friday, get, ghosts, give up, glass, go, goes, grey, ground, habit, happy, his, hurt, interest, into, know, life, light, lingerie, love, magician, manage, meet, meets, men, merely, mess, middle, million, mine, miserable, more, must, muster, my, never, new, night, no, nothing, occasions, of, one, our, out, past, people, pojnt, prince, promise, quick, quite, rather, really, remember, retina, runs, same, scan, sex, shade, shatter, shatters, she, slipper, sly, so, some, sometimes, somewhere, soon, sort, such, than, the, them, there, those, time, to, together, too, train, turn, two, two-timing, upset, us, was, we, weakness, well, when, where, whole, x, your