i knew for a long while that the summer was over and now it really is. i only vaguely remember the way it began: pavements covered in blossom, lounging in the field under the stars, watching sun setting above our heads.
there was majorca.
there, in the evening, i scoured every shop for a memento to give to you. i found a wooden statue, obscurely sexual, sensuous, expressive: two figures entwined in an embrace, their sleek polished bodies holding each other. the male form bent round the female: side view of him, the woman – face on.
you didn’t like it very much and i can’t say i blame you: you had enough trouble reading a spy in the house of love. of all her men, the only one you remember is allan: the one she married, the father figure in her life. what of the others?
———- a blank.
can’t say i agree.
i had a dream of the english boy night before last: his birthday party conjured itself in a palace. i was with you of course. then, somehow i was speaking to him. back to you, fawning over the flowers Y’s girl had. and then a girl attendant handed me a huge box of those very flowers. scribbled on the box was “i love you”. from him.
still, those are only dreams. and i don’t mind that.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged above, began, blossom, covered, embrace, entwined, evening, every, expressive, field, figures, for, found, give, heads, i, is, knew, long, lounging, love, majorca, memento, now, obscurely, only, our, over, pavements, prose, really, remember, scoured, scribbled, sensuous, setting, sexual, shop, stars, statue, summer, sun, there, times, two, under, vaguely, was, watching, way, wooden, you
a vibrant note of a harpsichord flies in: a coloured bird, a richly feathered parrot. i feel alive; a spark travelling down a strip of litmus paper, exhuberantly coloured, incadescently moving.
such highs and lows of mine, such cirles in the eyes. infinity of life? π?
i hate mathematics, but i refuse to adore a man who does not love its obtuse, precisely measured form. i want a boy with a logical way of thinking, the kind who won’t leave you hanging by a word in the dark. i would rather compose the long silences myself, make them stem from the fullness of my mouth and the soft silk of my thighs.
lately, i have said too much about S. it is enough.
he is too cold, a firefly without the carnal fire. i should like to see him cultivating life.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, adore, alive, ather, bird, boy, byt, carnal, circles, cold, coloured, compose, cultivating, dark, down, enough, exhuberantly, eyes, feathered, feel, fire, firefly, fly, form, from, fullness, hanging, harpsichord, hate, have, high, him, hread, in, incadescently, infinity, it's, kind, lately, leave, life, like, litmus, logical, long, love, low, make, man, mathematics, measured, mine, mouth, moving, much, my, myself, note, obtuse, paper, parrot, pi, precisely, refuse, richly, s, said, see, should, silence, silk, soft, spark, stem, strip, such, them, thighs, thinking, to, too, travel, vibrant, want, way, who, without, word, wouldr, you
pick up the stone
and throw it
like a bomb.
i’ll see the ripples
on this side of the world
in the snapshot
of the fire
in that pond.
the ducks will bear your witness.
—————————————————-
another “Sunday 100“. maybe i’m becoming predictable with the way i aim the stones. but i doubt it.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged aim, another, bear, becoming, bomb, doubt, ducks, fire, it, like, maybe, pick, poems, poetry, pond, predictable, ripples, see, side, sna[shot, stone, stones, sunday 100, that, this, throw, up, way, will, witness, world
it’s time for answers. or questions. whichever.
a fellow writer inspired me to think about a few. and they started the clock tick-tocking inside my mind: what did a girl like me want anyhow? what is the dream, the true ideal?
1. i’d like a picture of you on my windowsill by my bed: to keep, to hold, to treasure. it will be my reminder that you exist and when i wake up in the middle of the night, wondering if i dreamt up my whole life, i want it there to touch. it’ll be solid in my hands. a relic. and it’ll be in a mosaic picture-frame we’ve yet to buy. in barcelona or in paris (just because i like the way you say it) or in a magic place far away.
2. i’d like to have you on call, running to me whenever i need you there and sometimes just because. you know: for no reason, just because i want to be in your arms where it’s never lonely.
3. and i want you to have eyes for nobody else but me, following me, stalking me, penetrating me anew with every gaze. i want them to ask me for affirmation of my love every morning and i want them to drown me whole, as if they were not eyes but lagoons of clear-blue water in devon, on hot summer afternoon, when all you want is to immerse yourself whole in water .
4. but more than anything, i’d like to know that this is where you want to be: here with me.
5. that will be all.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, affirmation, afternoon, all, anew, answers, anyhow, anything, arms, ask, away, barcelona, be, because, bed, blue, but, buy, by, call, clear, clock, devon, did, dream, dreamt, drown, else, ever, every, exist, eyes, far, fellow, few, follow, frame, gazee, girl, hands, have, here, hold, hot, ideal, if, immerse, inside, inspire, it, just, keep, know, lagoons, life, like, lonely, love, magic, me, middle, mind, more, morning, mosaic, my, need, never, night, no, nobody, not, Paris, penetrate, picture, place, questions, reason, relic, reminder, running, say, solid, sometimes, stalking, started, summer, than, that, them, there, they, think, this, tick, time, tock, touch, treasure, true, up, wake, want, water, way, were, what, when, whenever, where, which, whichever, whole, will, windowsill, with, wondering, writer, yet, you, yourself
bonne anniversaire!
i like the way it rings, reverbrating from the eardrums straight into the heart. it’s been a year.
only.
already.
and i don’t know how to feel, i just feel the need to thank you for the knowledge that someone in the world matters more than the world itself. je t’adore. and i’m not joking. sometimes, not too often, i catch myself pause in the middle of the sentence when i look at you because thoughts that flush into my head like tapwater into a blocked sink.
i’d say remember, but you do. every word i say. you’re magic, you hear me? maybe. telekenisis? unlikely. but know, if you do, that though you’re not here but somewhere else, my feeling never wanes. artificial flowers never wilt; real emotion never dies. sometimes it just recedes to the back of the mind. like magic.
you gave me the rosary beads from your first communion as a gift this morning. placed it along with your card on my porch. and i swear, i didn’t know what to do. it seemed like so much. a universe of you in my palm.
and i couldn’t wait to ask you about the meaning, though i knew. and you knew that i do. it’s a game we play because neither of us likes losing.
it’s a symbol that i’m ready to learn about it with you. and i can’t be sure that’s exactly what you said, but that’s what i heard.
and i’m stuck for words, but i sit here clutching at metal and plastic made to look like glass in silence and i know wherever i go, you’ll follow.
sometimes emotion is enough to fill the silence. this once, its more than enough.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, along, already, anniversaire, artificial, ask, back, beads, because, been, blocked, bonne, but, card, catch, clutch, communion, couldn't, dies, do, don't, eardrums, else, emotion, enough, every, exactly, feel, feeling, fill, first, flowers, flush, follow, from, game, gave, gift, glass, go, head, hear, heard, heart, here, how, into, itself, je t'adore, joking, knew, know, knowledge, learn, like, look, losing, made, magic, matter, maybe, me, meaning, metal, middle, mind, more, morning, much, my, myself, need, neither, never, not, often, on, once, only, palm, pause, placed, plastic, play, porch, ready, real, recedes, remember, reverbrate, rings, rosary, said, say, seem, sentence, silence, sink, sit, so, someone, sometimes, somewhere, straight, stuck, sure, swear, symbol, tapwater, telekenisis, than, thank, this, though, thoughts, to, universe, unlikely, us, wait, wane, way, we, what, when, wherever, wilt, with, word, words, world, year, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 
