the week is nearly over. again.
and it feels like rain on skin in the heat of summer, raising goosebumps in spite of its warmth.
i never want anything to end.
not even nightmares.
i drag them out carefully, tossing and turning, roasting, like a pig, in my own cold sweat.
i had one every night this week. sometimes two. and i remember. i don’t keep tabs on my subconsiousness because it scares me. the brutality of the mind always scares me. and i dream of death. of death and failure.
y flores. flores para los muertos.
right now, my world is a house made of paper: cards with pretty scribbles on them, where blanche‘s words i lived in a house where dying old women remembered their dead men have more than substance; they have depth to go on and on, revolving in my head.
i’ve seen them from every angle. i swear.
what is it with death?
i’ve always said i have to die before the one i love. i couldn’t stand life otherwise. and i’ve made you promise you won’t die before me. i’ve made you promise me the unthinkable, the unpredictable, the unpromisable.
i did it just because sometimes i just need to know that you won’t die.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, always, ange, anything, because, before, blanche du bois, brutality, card, cards, carefully, cold, dead, death, did, die, drag, dream, dying, end, even, every, failure, feel, feels, flores, goosebumps, have, head, heat, house, is, it, just, keep, know, life, like, live, love, made, me, men, mind, more, my, nearly, need, never, night, nightmares, not, now, on, one, otherwise, out, over, own, paper, para, pig, promise, prose, rain, raise, remember, remembered, revolve, right, scare, scribbles, seen, skin, sometimes, spite, stand, subconsiousness, substance, summer, swear, sweat, tabs, the, their, them, they, this, to, toss, turn, two, unpredictable, unpromisable, unthinkable, want, warmth, week, what, where, women, won't, words, world, you
what we are in the womb is everything we’ll ever be.
take you, take me, take S or X or Y, letters galore. take them all, take some more.
we can never change so long the warmth and darkness implores us. and if we can remember the dreams we had, they’ll be all we ever know.
i’m a girl tying pieces of the puzzles together. they still fit and i still am an involuntary virus to a willing host.
i liked yellow as a child.
and i told you, if you ever lied, i’d cheat on you.
well, that’s not true.
i wish i were that simple. i wish you knew that the river of you runs through my veins, pushed up against all gravity.
and that’s all the physics i know.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged against, all, am, are, be, can, change, cheat, child, darkness, dream, dreams, ever, everything, fit, galore, girl, gravity, had, host, if, implore, invluntary, knew, know, letters, lied, liked, long, me, more, never, not, on, physics, pieces, pushed, remember, river, runs, s, simple, some, still, take, that, the, them, they, through, together, told, true, try, tying, up, us, veins, virus, warmth, we, were, what, willing, wish, womb, x, y, yellow, you
your flowers withered
in the gentlest of the ways
petals dried in heat,
but languidly, with grace
heads bowing, browning
but staying whole, intact —
i wish our love to be this subtle:
shimmying harbour in the deepest blue,
waves of the desire hurling,
burning sand up in the night
until it runs like a sea of café latte
topped with strawberry sauce.
the colour of the petals of the rose.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged be, blue, bowing, browning, burn, burning, but, cafe, colour, deep, deepest, desire, dried, flowers, gentle, gentlest, grace, harbour, head, heads, heat, hurl, hurling, intact, languidly, latte, like, love, night, our, petal, petals, poem, poems, poetry, rose, run, runs, sand, sauce, sea, shimmying, stay, staying, strawberry, subtle, this, to, top, topped, until, wave, waves, way, ways, whole, wish, with, wither, you, your
morir:
it sounds romantic,
rose petals scattered on a bed, or floor,
before
you ravish me
or before i ravish you.
y parece me muero
with your fingers running through my hair.
i wouldn’t have it any other way.
si: eso es.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged any, bed, before, die, es, eso, fingers, floor, hair, have, i, it, me, morir, muero, my, other, parece, petals, poem, poems, poetry, ravish, romantic, rose, running, scatter, si, sounds, through, way, with, would, wouldn't, you, your
dear world, i’m writing to you tonight. everyone else is either waiting for my call or doesn’t care at all and i’m tired of always turning up on time, of always taking no more than is mine, of feeling guilty for having the sheer components of this life.
i’m meant to be hopeful. imagine! i’m meant to dream, as if i haven’t dreamt all my life. i’m meant to be good, as if i’m not already on my best behaviour. i’m meant to burn without fire. is this what they call desire? surely not!
i’m told i have an addition to my caged harem. S. whipped into submission, you’d think. can you think, dear world?
another poor boy. never out of my sight, never in my bed. i should either lay him or let him go, no? no.
i will be crude tonight for i have an itch in my gut. the bile of the world is rising in my throat. and you can gloat. dear world, please gloat. because i will keep on living, so long dear god keeps forgiving all my wrongs and rights.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged addition, all, already, always, another, at, be, because, bed, behaviour, best, bile, boy, burn, caged, call, can, care, components, crude, dear, desire, dream, dreamt, either, else, everyone, feel, feeling, fire, forgiving, gloat, go, God, good, guilty, gut, harem, have, him, hopeful, imagine, itch, keep, keeps, lay, let, life, living, long, meant, mine, more, my, never, no, not, please, poems, poetry, poor, right, rights, rising, sheer, should, sight, submission, surely, take, than, they, think, this, throat, time, tired, to, told, tonight, turning, up, wait, waiting, whip, will, without, world, write, writing, wrongs, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 
