a vibrant note of a harpsichord flies in: a coloured bird, a richly feathered parrot. i feel alive; a spark travelling down a strip of litmus paper, exhuberantly coloured, incadescently moving.
such highs and lows of mine, such cirles in the eyes. infinity of life? π?
i hate mathematics, but i refuse to adore a man who does not love its obtuse, precisely measured form. i want a boy with a logical way of thinking, the kind who won’t leave you hanging by a word in the dark. i would rather compose the long silences myself, make them stem from the fullness of my mouth and the soft silk of my thighs.
lately, i have said too much about S. it is enough.
he is too cold, a firefly without the carnal fire. i should like to see him cultivating life.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, adore, alive, ather, bird, boy, byt, carnal, circles, cold, coloured, compose, cultivating, dark, down, enough, exhuberantly, eyes, feathered, feel, fire, firefly, fly, form, from, fullness, hanging, harpsichord, hate, have, high, him, hread, in, incadescently, infinity, it's, kind, lately, leave, life, like, litmus, logical, long, love, low, make, man, mathematics, measured, mine, mouth, moving, much, my, myself, note, obtuse, paper, parrot, pi, precisely, refuse, richly, s, said, see, should, silence, silk, soft, spark, stem, strip, such, them, thighs, thinking, to, too, travel, vibrant, want, way, who, without, word, wouldr, you
some days i realise
they wouldn’t be worth living
if i didn’t have you
pounding in my heart.
it sounds cliché,
somehow outdated, to say this here
and to say this now. almost
a long-distance call to atlanta
where skies flow like whisky down the throat,
and beach
and people, morning sunshine,
before receiver clicks in the ear
with mourning beep foreshadowing the silence
and storm
with a million shards of sounds
running like a movie in my eyes.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged almost, and, atlanta, be, beach, before, call, cliche, click, days, distance, down, ear, eyes, flow, foreshadow, have, heart, here, if, like, live, living, long, million, morning, mourn, mourning, movie, my, now, outdated, people, poems, poetry, pound, realise, reciever, run, running, say, shards, silence, skies, some, sounds, storm, sunshine, they, throat, where, whisky, with, worth, wouldn't
‘excuse me. can you tell me where the station is?’
i stop. it’s early, sunday morning, i have four dozen newspapers on my back and then, a change of route. i pause. ‘err- the station? just walk down this road. you’ll see it in 200 meters on errr- that side’. then i look up. the guy’s about my age. i can’t remember his face, just his hair. it was straight, dark brown. and his gaze was so direct.
i heard the mumbling ‘you’re pretty’, gaze seemed unrelentless.
i smiled. how long ago have i heard that from someone? it’s always you’re beautiful from you. you’re so extravagant, my darling, you are!
‘thank you’ came out of my upturned lips, but i felt a nervous jittery feeling. he seemed so lost. could i have helped him? could i have cured the hunger for company eradiating in his eyes? no, i told myself, no.
so i said ‘you’ll find the station alright? just keep walking straight, you’ll see it‘ and i walked away. without long goodbyes, without any sense of pleasure in deprature.
‘excuse me, excuse me!‘. almost desperate, he was there again, a hundred meters on, in the wrong direction, next to me. ‘do you know the time?‘ i did. it was twenty past seven. gloomy morning.
he didn’t want to leave. he stood there gazing, telling me his friend ‘got beat up‘ and it as a ‘rough night but seeing a pretty girl…‘ and then, ‘can i whisper something into your ear?‘ i wasn’t keen – one never knows a thief. ‘if you must‘.
he saw my reluctant reaction.
so he said it out loud.
the street was empty.
there was noone who would hear.
and yet it was all so real.
‘i want to suck you out‘
and it took him so much to say it.
what was it, desire? impulse? lust?
so here i am. muneca brava. at last!
Posted in chapters of my life
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i only stop when i know i’ve had enough.
i guess i haven’t had my fill just yet.
you’ve gone to france, as you always do. your second life, i call it, but i dont blame you: that’s what a lifetime of living with parents who are teachers does to you. four weeks this time; it’ll be five the next or six, or whatever. but i’ve stopped counting the days. i learnt to live without salting my wounds.
Y went camping with his blonde, though she’s not blonde now but rather a seductive red. they’ve been together months now. it’ll be a year soon. october, i think.
he was meant to come back yesterday, but his phone was off. i called him twice. twice is always my limit.
i know i’ll call him again.
X is just an ex. we speak sporadically on msn and i’ve not been on the computer for days. i just couldn’t face the lonely screen staring in my face. i wanted physical contact, the sound of someone’s, anyone’s voice reverbrating in my eardrums.
and i read books. sartre, “streetcar named desire” and anais nin with her erotica. that put me down, but then, i wanted to be put down. sometimes there comes a point in our lives when we can no longer continue to believe in what we are believing until we see what else there is to see.
then there was Z. another reunion. he called me just now. for no reason. he didn’t say so, but then he rarely says a lot. he’s coming back from wales today. he was away for a week, but what more is there to it? it was another failed lesson in love for him, but i know i’m not the one to teach him.
in the end of all ends, i love you.
and i met your ex too on the days. that was fun. hurt me like crazy but it had to be done.
somewhere in between “the spy in the house of love” and “the age of reason”, i’d lost my wits. literature has a way of doing that to you.
i needed to see her.
i needed to feel the arterial spray of your past on my face.
let her do her worst i thought and damn, she tried her best.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, age, always, anais nin, another, anyone, arterial spray, away, back, been, believe, best, between, blame, blonde, books, call, camp, camping, come, computer, contact, counting, crazy, days, do, doing, done, down, eardrums, end, ends, enough, ex, face, failed, feel, fill, five, for, four, france, fun, gonef, guess, had, haven't, him, his, house, hurt, it, just, know, learnt, lesson, life, lifetime, limit, literature, live, lives, living, lonely, lost, lot, love, meant, met, months, more, msn, named desire, needed, next, no, not, now, october, of, off, only, parents, past, phone, physical, point, put, rarely, rather, read, reason, red, reunion, reverbrating, salting, sartre, says, screen, second, seductive, see, six, someone, sometimes, somewhere, soon, sound, speak, sporadically, spy, staring, stop, stopped, streetcar, teach, teachers, think, this, though, time, today, together, tried, twice, until, voice, wales, want, way, week, weeks, went, whatever, when, without, wits, worst, wounds, x, y, year, yesterday, yet, you, z
and we can’t even fight properly.
have we lost that ability or did we never have it in the first place?
and our mean words are pebbles, small, insignificant; each hit a vague pain somewhere in the nether regions of the heart, but tell me, is our love not strong enough for boulders to be flying, for pain to be immense, almost insufferable?
I want to
lie down somewhere and suffer for love until
it nearly kills me
i want it to take the whole of me. i want to have no mercy and recieve no mercy back.
and every time we fight, sparks fly but the fire never ignites.
and every time we fight, there is no anger, just sadness, scaring us into oblivion with the thoughts of losing each other. the notion of how life would be if we were apart, different people loving us, needing us, prepared to die for us; breaking hearts.
yesterday everyone found out about us.
i didn’t like that and we fought, fear eveloping us like misty green haze of jealousy.
and there was no anger, only wronged love.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged ability, anger, apart, boulders, breaking, can't, didn't, die, different, down, each, enough, evelope, every, everyone, fear, fight, fire, first, fly, fought, found, green, have, haze, heart, hearts, hit, how, ignite, immense, insignificant, insufferable, jealousy, kill, kills, lie, life, like, lose, losing, lost, love, loving, me, mean, mercy, misty, nearly, need, needing, nether, never, not, notion, oblivion, only, other, pain, pebbles, people, place, prepare, prepared, properly, recieve, region, sadness, scare, scaring, somewhere, sparks, strong, suffer, take, tell, that, there, thought, thoughts, time, until, us, vague, want, we, were, whole, words, wronged, yesterday
glittering soot on her eyelashes 