will anybody tell me if i’m missing out on life?
will anyone write me a letter just so i know?
and everybody seems to be making a film, a compilation of their thoughts right here, right now. irony is, i’m wasting my words on the wind, across the telephone wires that stretch inside my head. and when i am brave enough to speak my words out, they are spoken to you alone. what about the rest of the world? how will they ever know?
you made a film with your friends. i guess that’s what you do in youth.
me? i used to leave my colouring books blank for fear of spoiling them. funny me.
and whenever creativity came to me, i wrote the words, drew the pictures on scraps of paper. i still have some of them. little pieces of my mind written in quickhand. 
and though none of them relate to you, all that i remember of X is there: they are silent exultations, utterances of pain and dreams. they are free.
sometimes, i still wish i coloured those pictures in.
and sometimes i know there’s no use wishing: it’s all too late now. i’ve sketched my life out in this morning sunshine. whatever happens now was always meant to be.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged about, across, all, alone, always, am, and, anybody, anyone, are, be, blank, books, brave, came, coloured, colouring, compilation, creativity, do, dreams, drew, enough, ever, everybody, exhultations, fear, film, films, free, friends, funny, guess, happen, have, head, here, how, in, inside, irony, is, just, know, late, leave, letter, life, little, made, making, me, meant, mind, missing, morning, my, no, none, now, of, out, pain, paper, petry, pictures, pieces, prose, quickhand, relate, remember, rest, right, scraps, seems, silent, sketched, so, some, sometimes, speak, spoil, spoken, still, stretch, sunshine, telephone, tell, that, the, their, them, they, this, those, though, thoughts, to, to be, too, use, used, utterance, wasting, what, whatever, when, whenever, will, wind, wires, wish, wishing, words, world, write, written, wrote, xthere, you, your, youth
what made me think it was a good idea?
i think i must chase pain for its little thrills. there’s just no other explanation.
you’re not as fussed, though i’m not sure you know how much i love you. the problem’s me. again. and i can’t stop my churning gut from heaving.
fear is not a strong enough word to describe this violent smashing of glass inside.
i’m in a daze, a momentary lapse where all thought is illusion.
i pounded the streets by myself this morning. thank god for all his little offerings. i feel lighter now, somehow.
and i saw the sunrise today, but looking at the oranges and pinks merge, i felt sick. i barely slept: five hours of restless turning, waking and then falling into a half-conscious state, where dreams merge with reality.
and all because we went to your friends little gathering yesterday.
your ex was there.
it was all so last minute, i’m sure it was her that convinced him to invite us. she had it all planned, no doubt.
we had WKD and pringles and your friend’s mum’s wine and somewhere in between the truth and dare and spin the bottle all mixed into one, i kissed your ex. and so did you. and then you both laid on my bosom. my harem.
it was all jokey and fun and whatnot else, but it’s not how i approach my relationships. it’s not how i roll. and what if this pulls us apart? you felt guilty kissing her, you said. i didn’t. it was all so absurd i almost couldn’t believe it was true.
but it happened.
and we left just before clock stroke midnight, because i guess there’s a cinderella lost in me, and you held me tight a few steps away from the house and kissed me fevereshly. adrenaline of fear had washed our bodies: we could have kissed all night.
and i don’t regret any of it.
so why do i feel so broken inside?
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged absurd, adrenaline, again, all, almost, any, approach, away, barely, because, before, believe, between, bodies, bosom, both, bottle, broken, chase, churning, cinderella, clock, conscious, convinced, could, dare, daze, did, doubt, dreams, else, enough, ex, explanation, falling, fear, feel, feverishly, few, five, friend, from, fun, fussed, gathering, God, good, guess, gut, had, half, happened, harem, have, heaving, held, her, him, hours, house, how, idea, illusion, inside, into, invite, jokey, just, kissed, laid, lapse, last, left, lighter, little, looking, lost, love, made, me, merge, midnight, minute, mixed, momentary, morning, much, mum, must, my, myself, night, no, not, offering, one, oranges, other, pain, pinks, plan, pounded, pringles, problem, reality, regret, relationships, restless, roll, saw, sick, slept, smashing, so, somehow, somewhere, spin, state, steps, stop, strange, streets, stroke, sunrise, sure, thank, there, think, this, though, thought, thrills, tight, true, truth, turn, us, violent, waking, washed, we, what, whatnot, where, wine, wkd, word, yesterday, you, your
i only stop when i know i’ve had enough.
i guess i haven’t had my fill just yet.
you’ve gone to france, as you always do. your second life, i call it, but i dont blame you: that’s what a lifetime of living with parents who are teachers does to you. four weeks this time; it’ll be five the next or six, or whatever. but i’ve stopped counting the days. i learnt to live without salting my wounds.
Y went camping with his blonde, though she’s not blonde now but rather a seductive red. they’ve been together months now. it’ll be a year soon. october, i think.
he was meant to come back yesterday, but his phone was off. i called him twice. twice is always my limit.
i know i’ll call him again.
X is just an ex. we speak sporadically on msn and i’ve not been on the computer for days. i just couldn’t face the lonely screen staring in my face. i wanted physical contact, the sound of someone’s, anyone’s voice reverbrating in my eardrums.
and i read books. sartre, “streetcar named desire” and anais nin with her erotica. that put me down, but then, i wanted to be put down. sometimes there comes a point in our lives when we can no longer continue to believe in what we are believing until we see what else there is to see.
then there was Z. another reunion. he called me just now. for no reason. he didn’t say so, but then he rarely says a lot. he’s coming back from wales today. he was away for a week, but what more is there to it? it was another failed lesson in love for him, but i know i’m not the one to teach him.
in the end of all ends, i love you.
and i met your ex too on the days. that was fun. hurt me like crazy but it had to be done.
somewhere in between “the spy in the house of love” and “the age of reason”, i’d lost my wits. literature has a way of doing that to you.
i needed to see her.
i needed to feel the arterial spray of your past on my face.
let her do her worst i thought and damn, she tried her best.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, age, always, anais nin, another, anyone, arterial spray, away, back, been, believe, best, between, blame, blonde, books, call, camp, camping, come, computer, contact, counting, crazy, days, do, doing, done, down, eardrums, end, ends, enough, ex, face, failed, feel, fill, five, for, four, france, fun, gonef, guess, had, haven't, him, his, house, hurt, it, just, know, learnt, lesson, life, lifetime, limit, literature, live, lives, living, lonely, lost, lot, love, meant, met, months, more, msn, named desire, needed, next, no, not, now, october, of, off, only, parents, past, phone, physical, point, put, rarely, rather, read, reason, red, reunion, reverbrating, salting, sartre, says, screen, second, seductive, see, six, someone, sometimes, somewhere, soon, sound, speak, sporadically, spy, staring, stop, stopped, streetcar, teach, teachers, think, this, though, time, today, together, tried, twice, until, voice, wales, want, way, week, weeks, went, whatever, when, without, wits, worst, wounds, x, y, year, yesterday, yet, you, z
do you still remember those teachers that actually cared? you know, the ones that would give you extra reading material, stay after school to help you with your coursework, or else, turn up to school in the middle of half term to give you that one last revision session?
such teachers are hard to come by. i had one of them. she was amazing. i loved her to bits. and she made me succeed.
i wrote her a letter yesterday. i just felt like i should. it was like a pang of nostalgia echoing my heartbeat. i think that happens sometimes, when you feel like you need to move on but can’t, because melancholy is seeping through the pores of your skin, dripping down in the form of tears down your face. and then, you have to do something about it or hold your peace forever.
i guess i just never was the one for keeping quiet.
she replied within an hour and made my day, my week, my month.
…it would be lovely to see you again but make sure you give me a ring
and so, i hope to see her again soon.
she was the one teacher who i just can’t seem to forget. i guess she must have taught me a lot.
such teachers are hard to come by.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, actually, after, again, amazing, because, bits, by, can't, care, cared, come, coursework, day, down, drip, echo, else, extra, face, feel, felt, forever, forget, form, from, give, guess, half, happens, hard, have, heart, heartbeat, hold, hope, hour, keep, know, last, letter, like, lot, love, loved, lovely, made, make, material, melancholy, middle, month, move, must, my, need, never, nostalgia, on, one, ones, pang, peace, pore, pores, quiet, read, reading, remember, replied, revision, ring, school, see, seem, seep, session, she, should, skin, something, sometimes, soon, stay, still, succeed, such, sure, taught, teacher, teachers, tears, term, that, them, think, through, to, turn, was, week, when, within, would, wrote, yesterday, you
oh yes, last night was great. i love the way life works you know: on the night you were away, X was told about you and me.
poor boy.
what sort of friends kick you when you’re down? evidently, his.
i heard you have a new boyfriend.
you used to mention his name so much.
and so what if i talked to him about you? so what if i talked to you about him?
i tried to show you people the whole of me and not the parts you wanted to see. i wanted to prevent you from loving a lie. who knows how i fared? maybe you still are.
but i won’t lie. i never have and i won’t lie to you now – i still give a damn about what’s going on in his life and i never want to let go of this translucent thread between him and me, spanning like a spider’s web into realms of nothingness.
me and X, we don’t see eye to eye, we don’t speak on the phone, we barely exchange a word electronically, but i still don’t want to let go of this remnant. the remnant of my past that lingers like a memory of rich perfume in the cold night air. because there were good times. there were.
and i guess that’s selfish of me, and i guess i’m weak, but i never asked for forgiveness, just acceptance, so when he asks and you need to be gone, why are you still here? and i reply because i still care, i need you to believe me that it’s you i want, not him.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, acceptance, air, ask, asks, barely, because, believe, boy, boyfriend, care, cold, damn, don't, down, electronically, evident, exchange, eye, fare, forgiveness, friends, give, go, going, gone, good, great, guess, have, he, heard, here, him, his, kick, know, knows, last, let, lie, life, linger, love, loving, maybe, me, memory, mention, much, musings, name, need, never, new, night, not, nothing, nothingness, now, on, parts, past, people, perfume, phone, poor, prevent, prose, realms, remnant, reply, rich, see, selfish, show, sort, span, speak, spider, still, talked, there, this, thread, times, told, translucent, tried, used, want, wanted, was, way, weak, web, were, what, when, who, whole, won't, word, works, writing, x, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 