you can have the whole of me in this field:
i pressed my soul into its loins
and beads of sweat still glisten
on the body learning to tango
in the outpour of rain.
i will surrender only here
so take care not to move even a strand of hair
from beneath the tree where i will lay through my whole life,
as if dying prematurely,
for this is home and i forbid you.
a day will come when spring will open me enough
for sun to shine
into the roots of the old cambridge tree
and open up
the rest of me.
—————————————————————-
i’ve been writing this poem for a while now and it feels forever unfinished. maybe that’s just me, always a word out, a syllable in. and then i give up and start something else. at the end of the day, however, i always come back to this. and the oldest tree in cambridge.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged always, back, beads, been, beneath, body, cambridge, can, care, come, day, dying, else, end, enough, even, feels, field, for, forbid, forever, from, give, glisten, hair, have, here, home, in, into, is, lay, learning, life, loins, maybe, me, move, my, not, now, of, old, oldest, only, open, opened, out, outpour, poem, poems, poetry, prematurely, pressed, rain, rest, roots, shine, something, soul, spring, start, still, strand, sun, surrender, sweat, syllable, take, tango, that, the, then, this, through, tree, unfinished, up, when, where, while, whole, will, word, writing, you
will anybody tell me if i’m missing out on life?
will anyone write me a letter just so i know?
and everybody seems to be making a film, a compilation of their thoughts right here, right now. irony is, i’m wasting my words on the wind, across the telephone wires that stretch inside my head. and when i am brave enough to speak my words out, they are spoken to you alone. what about the rest of the world? how will they ever know?
you made a film with your friends. i guess that’s what you do in youth.
me? i used to leave my colouring books blank for fear of spoiling them. funny me.
and whenever creativity came to me, i wrote the words, drew the pictures on scraps of paper. i still have some of them. little pieces of my mind written in quickhand. 
and though none of them relate to you, all that i remember of X is there: they are silent exultations, utterances of pain and dreams. they are free.
sometimes, i still wish i coloured those pictures in.
and sometimes i know there’s no use wishing: it’s all too late now. i’ve sketched my life out in this morning sunshine. whatever happens now was always meant to be.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged about, across, all, alone, always, am, and, anybody, anyone, are, be, blank, books, brave, came, coloured, colouring, compilation, creativity, do, dreams, drew, enough, ever, everybody, exhultations, fear, film, films, free, friends, funny, guess, happen, have, head, here, how, in, inside, irony, is, just, know, late, leave, letter, life, little, made, making, me, meant, mind, missing, morning, my, no, none, now, of, out, pain, paper, petry, pictures, pieces, prose, quickhand, relate, remember, rest, right, scraps, seems, silent, sketched, so, some, sometimes, speak, spoil, spoken, still, stretch, sunshine, telephone, tell, that, the, their, them, they, this, those, though, thoughts, to, to be, too, use, used, utterance, wasting, what, whatever, when, whenever, will, wind, wires, wish, wishing, words, world, write, written, wrote, xthere, you, your, youth
to know fear is to have never tasted it, that bitter acrid taste of rotting apples mixed with strong perfume. there is no knowing, only inhalation and dizziness before the lights go on. then, fear subsides.
the aftertaste remains. cologne is rotting. rotting all the same.
and swallowing the cider bile i stop. and start. i stop and start. and i remember that this was rhythm beaten out for me and Y. aeons ago, i would have told him this was our rhythm, that it was made for us. really, the rhythm is mine alone.
it is the heartbeat of a rabbit caught running in circles, breaking out of a different hole every time. only i have no space of time and who knows if i’m late?
there is no knowing here, only white roses being painted red. but i need no paint, truth always comes out in the end.
and this fear reigns over love. it transcends the borders of us and reproduces in our creations. why is that, will you tell me?
it must be us, the charcoal darkening the paper.
it must be orange juice spilt on a linen cloth. or coffee. coffee on those tiles.
still, it’s so nice to be able taste fear once in a million words, wouldn’t you say?
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged able, acrid, aeons, aftertaste, ago, all, alone, always, apples, be, beaten, before, being, bile, bitter, borders, breaking, but, caught, charcoal, cider, circles, cloth, coffee, cologne, comes, creations, darkening, different, dizziness, end, every, fear, for, go, have, heartbeat, here, him, hole, inhalation, it, juice, know, knowing, knows, late, lights, linen, love, made, me, million, mine, mix, mixed, must, need, never, nice, no, on, once, only, orange, our, out, over, paint, painted, paper, perfume, prose, rabbit, really, red, reigns, remains, remember, reproduces, rhythm, roses, rotting, running, same, say, space, spilt, start, still, stop, strong, subsides, swallow, taste, tell, that, the, then, this, those, tiles, time, to, told, transcend, truth, us, was, white, why, will, words, would, y, you
why was the moon shining so bright last night? and the night before last. the night before that it was cloudy but still it managed to peek through. and i don’t know what to say to you. i used to moon-watch when i was studying astronomy at school.
let me fall into this stupour. the whites of my eyes will turn into two big moons to shine on the world in the darkest light. for i am sin.
all sin.
and S is catholic.
beyond all means.
and i no longer know if he believes in love, because he believes in so little by believing in so much. if he ever asks, i shall tell him this much: that i no longer know him, because what he was to me is not compatible with what he is now.
i believe in choice. to me, choice is love.
catholicism is brutal: it gives no choice.
abortion is not an option he told me. what if the pregnancy is the result of rape? i asked. she’d still have to have the child.
my eyes glazed over. i forgot who i was speaking to.
and he’s not sure if he believes in contraception: life hasn’t forced him to think about that yet. how can anybody say that in a world with AIDS?
i’m lost. what does he know of the fire of desire that drives me on and on?
i know sometimes you have to let go and start again, from scratch. but i can’t. not now.
suppose i am Kai, from Hans Christian Andersen’s book, and he is the splinter of troll-mirror that befell into my eye.
how can i run away if it it’s in the mind?
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged abortion, about, again, AIDS, all, an, anybody, asked, asks, astronomy, at, away, because, befell, before, believe, believes, believing, beyond, big, book, bright, brutal, can, can't, catholic, catholicism, child, choice, cloudy, compatible, contraception, darkest, desire, drives, ever, eye, eyes, fall, fire, forced, forgot, from, gives, glazed, hasn't, have, he, hhave, him, how, i, if, in, into, is, it's, kai, know, knowhow, last, let, life, light, little, longer, lost, love, managed, me, means, mind, mirror, moon, moons, much, my, night, no, not, now, option, over, peek, pregnancy, rape, result, run, s, say, school, scratch, shall, shine, sin, so, sometimes, speaking, splinter, start, still, studying, stupour, suppose, sure, tell, that, the, think, this, through, to, told, troll, turn, two, used, was, watch, what, when, whites, who, why, will, with, world, yet, you
what we are in the womb is everything we’ll ever be.
take you, take me, take S or X or Y, letters galore. take them all, take some more.
we can never change so long the warmth and darkness implores us. and if we can remember the dreams we had, they’ll be all we ever know.
i’m a girl tying pieces of the puzzles together. they still fit and i still am an involuntary virus to a willing host.
i liked yellow as a child.
and i told you, if you ever lied, i’d cheat on you.
well, that’s not true.
i wish i were that simple. i wish you knew that the river of you runs through my veins, pushed up against all gravity.
and that’s all the physics i know.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged against, all, am, are, be, can, change, cheat, child, darkness, dream, dreams, ever, everything, fit, galore, girl, gravity, had, host, if, implore, invluntary, knew, know, letters, lied, liked, long, me, more, never, not, on, physics, pieces, pushed, remember, river, runs, s, simple, some, still, take, that, the, them, they, through, together, told, true, try, tying, up, us, veins, virus, warmth, we, were, what, willing, wish, womb, x, y, yellow, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 
