if he ever tried to retrace his steps, Y would still be here. there’s only so many lives a man can lead. whilst i lived out my three, not quite a cat but near enough the slinky nine, he could barely grasp onto one.
so here we are again. and he won’t admit that he was wrong to have jilted me at my elusive altar and though i’m not bitter, i still think it should have been me to have waved the first goodbye. i was never the taker for seconds.
now we speak for barely more than seconds.
and we had a conversation today. somehow i manipulated minutes out of him when he claimed to have none. and he wants me to call on a weekend. and he listened to my poetry of loving women and war poets. it’s been a while. but i’ll let him live his life. that one life he holds onto like a raft in a burly sea.
those sort of lives were never meant for me: i like mine long and luscious, like sweltering summer days.
and when i read him my lines, he stopped talking altogether, pondering, wondering, what it was that i meant, knowing it concerned him but not knowing how.
and to think i used to call him mine.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged admit, again, altar, altogether, are, barely, be, bitter, burly, call, can, cat, claim, concern, concerned, conversation, could, days, elusive, first, goodbye, grasp, have, he, here, him, holds, how, jilt, know, knowing, lead, life, like, lines, listen, live, lived, lives, long, loving, luscious, man, manipulated, many, me, meant, mine, minutes, more, near, never, nine, none, not, now, one, only, onto, out, poetry, poets, pondering, prose, quite, raft, read, retrace, sea, seconds, should, slinky, so, somehow, sort, speak, steps, still, stop, summer, sweltering, taker, talk, than, think, those, though, three, today, try, used, wants, war, wave, we, weekend, when, while, women, wondering, wrong, y
i think i’ll dream of stars tonight
the ones that set the world alight
and shine upon my window
with a somehow pensive glare
and in that dream, a star will fall,
a blue-green falling star,
a celebration from afar,
and I will wish upon it,
every ember of it
not just a firework,
but milky way of spilt love in your hands,
and i was not yours
but still your hands polished away the cold
for we were young,
and we were bold,
and dreamt of stars that night.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged afar, alight, away, blue, bold, celebration, cold, dream, dreamt, ember, every, fall, falling, firework, from, glare, green, hand, hands, in, just, love, milky way, my, not, one, ones, pensive, poems, poetry, polish, set, shine, somehow, spilt, star, stars, that, the, think, tonight, upon, was, will, window, wish, world, young, your, yours
half my life, i’m freefalling, the other half – looking back on the sights i’ve seen in those few moments before my parachute opened, before the maddening rush of adrenaline was curbed by my safety net, the soft fabric above me saving me.
you are that fabric – the fabric of my life spun by the yarn of your love, by the generosity of those hands turning the spindle.
all because you feel responsible for me. or maybe not.
in the end, my life’s my life: a merger of past faces, names, soft hands that once caressed my skin or longed to do so.
the thread of you’s the thread of me. and i want everyone you know to love me, unbearably, exquisitely so that you know the worth of love. so that you can count broken smiles knowing something inside them breaks for me.
an only child, i knew how to be painfully selfish. i learnt it well, my only teacher – solitude and parents’ love. but here i am, sister in tow, and still that only child rhetoric lives on in me. so once in a while, i feel in need of broken dreams of others to see my hope reflected in those pieces of looking-glass.
and if you can’t blame me who can blame me?
my friend once told me i was cruel to boys, to men, male counterparts. that i was cruel because my skattered gazes never solidified, my touch was soft but vapid, my hands gentle but uncaring. so what? i said it’s my revenge.
and so it is.
as sweet as lemon sorbet melting on my lips.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged above, adrenaline, all, are, as, back, because, before, blame, boys, breaks, broken, can, can't, child, count, counterparts, cruel, curb, dreams, end, exquisitely, fabric, faces, fall, feel, few, free, freefall, friend, gaze, generosity, gentle, glass, half, hands, here, hope, how, in, inside, it, knew, know, learnt, lemon, life, lives, look, looking, love, mad, male, maybe, me, men, merger, moment, my, names, net, never, not, on, once, only, open, other, others, painfully, parachute, parents, past, pieces, reflected, responsible, revenge, rhetoric, rush, safety, said, save, seen, selfish, sights, sister, skattered, smiles, soft, solidified, solitude, something, sorbet, spindle, spun, still, sweet, teacher, that, them, those, told, touch, tow, turn, unbearable, uncaring, vapid, well, what, while, who, worth, yarn, you
How quietly loves pass you by,
Their names – moonless nights
killing postcoital glow.
How gravely love moulds to hate
mixing into the summer air,
uttering their names,
holding onto that fire
a streetcar named desire,
Burning through memories
Ash scattering ash
You stop to breathe.
You’re not alone.
You know I’m here
And this is home.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged air, alone, apathy, ash, breathe, burn, by, desire, drive, every, fast, fire, glow, gravely, hate, here, hit, hold, home, how, is, kill, know, like, love, loves, memories, mix, moon, moulds, name, named, names, night, not, onto, pass, pavement, poems, poetry, postcoital, quietly, scatter, spark, stone, stop, streetcar, summer, their, this, through, to, us, utter, you