i know the child in you. the one which craves the praise from the lips it longs to kiss. and yet the child cannot accept it, for the twinge of sarcasm ibmursed in the words.
and then you long for the acceptance of your mother, father, brother: their words of praise, like mine, cherished but disbelieved.
what of it? one must live for something.
you live for praise.
i live for love.
the english boy’s resurfaced. just like i predicted, him and the girl broke up. now, he is moving on. moving on me, maybe, but i reckon just moving on to the world. today, he approached me three times. and every time, i bat away his advances with a smile on my face. why should i contemplate burning for him if i am the candle of your life?
too many lives, too many stories and there will be no more parafin, no more wax, no more light. i am aware of that.
i lived through life before you.
now i know it’s enough to burn for you so let S burn for me.
and let the whole world ignite for me. for this love, this kiss, as it opens its bud of sunshine every morning on your lips.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged accept, acceptance, advance, approach, as, aware, away, bat, before, boy, broke, brother, bud, burn, candle, cannot, cherished, child, contemplate, craves, disbelieved, english, enough, every, face, father, for, from, girl, him, his, i, ignite, imbursed, just, kiss, know, let, life, light, lips, live, lived, lives, long, love, many, maybe, me, mine, more, morning, mother, move, must, my, no, now, on, one, open, parafin, praise, predicted, prose, reckon, resurfaced, s, sarcasm, should, smile, something, stories, sunshine, that, their, then, there, this, three, through, time, times, today, too, twinge, wax, what, which, whole, why, with, words, world, yet, you, your
once this was my safe haven.
that changed, like everything changes, life swirling us all about in a glass of rosé or champagne, or cheap white wine, if you’d rather.
and i notice that i’ve become agreeable, but no more than that. i’m still all here, all me.
and then on tuesday the rainbow of my life seemed to have been broken up into the component colours and merged together, forming black.
is black a colour? i don’t know. all i know is, i couldn’t possibly write on tuesday or wednesday. or yesterday even. but with time comes acceptance. so here i am now, accepting my failed anonymity.
Y has read my diary, this. every word, or most, violated with his eyes.
and i asked him not to.
i asked everyone close to me not to read it. everyone complied. but him.
i didn’t send a link. i didn’t tell him the name i assumed or the posts i’ve written. i merely read him a poem.
the last poem i had written here, trace of us.
i didn’t read it so he would find me. i never thought he would.
i read it because i felt like i needed to read it to someone and you wasn’t here. i read it because it was about him.
next thing i know, or rather remember, someone, and it could have been anyone but something tells me it was him, typed trace and put the cork essence of us blog into google.
he found me.
he was the only person i read that poem to. the only one. and it can’t have possibly been anyone else.
the search was done less than an hour after i read him the poem.
and though i didn’t start the blog for him or X or you even, i thought of deleting it or not writing any more.
but in the end, i haven’t started this blog for him so what if he reads it?
i haven’t started this blog for him and he won’t be the reason i end it.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, acceptance, after, agreeable, all, anonymity, anyone, asked, assumed, become, been, black, blog, break, champagne, changed, changes, cheap, close, colour, colours, comply, component, cork, could, delete, diary, don't, done, else, end, essence, even, every, everyone, everything, eyes, failed, form, found, from, glass, google, has, have, haven, here, him, his, hour, into, it, know, last, less, life, like, link, me, merge, more, most, my, name, never, next, not, notice, of, once, one, only, or, person, poem, possibly, posts, put, rainbow, rather, read, reads, remember, rose, search, seem, send, someone, something, start, still, swirl, tell, that, then, thing, this, this safe, time, together, trace, tuesday, typed, us, violted, wednesday, white, wine, word, would, write, writing, written, x, y, yesterday, you
oh yes, last night was great. i love the way life works you know: on the night you were away, X was told about you and me.
poor boy.
what sort of friends kick you when you’re down? evidently, his.
i heard you have a new boyfriend.
you used to mention his name so much.
and so what if i talked to him about you? so what if i talked to you about him?
i tried to show you people the whole of me and not the parts you wanted to see. i wanted to prevent you from loving a lie. who knows how i fared? maybe you still are.
but i won’t lie. i never have and i won’t lie to you now – i still give a damn about what’s going on in his life and i never want to let go of this translucent thread between him and me, spanning like a spider’s web into realms of nothingness.
me and X, we don’t see eye to eye, we don’t speak on the phone, we barely exchange a word electronically, but i still don’t want to let go of this remnant. the remnant of my past that lingers like a memory of rich perfume in the cold night air. because there were good times. there were.
and i guess that’s selfish of me, and i guess i’m weak, but i never asked for forgiveness, just acceptance, so when he asks and you need to be gone, why are you still here? and i reply because i still care, i need you to believe me that it’s you i want, not him.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, acceptance, air, ask, asks, barely, because, believe, boy, boyfriend, care, cold, damn, don't, down, electronically, evident, exchange, eye, fare, forgiveness, friends, give, go, going, gone, good, great, guess, have, he, heard, here, him, his, kick, know, knows, last, let, lie, life, linger, love, loving, maybe, me, memory, mention, much, musings, name, need, never, new, night, not, nothing, nothingness, now, on, parts, past, people, perfume, phone, poor, prevent, prose, realms, remnant, reply, rich, see, selfish, show, sort, span, speak, spider, still, talked, there, this, thread, times, told, translucent, tried, used, want, wanted, was, way, weak, web, were, what, when, who, whole, won't, word, works, writing, x, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 