40. chronic unhappiness

putting up with my chronic unhappiness must drive you mad, my love.
and though i want nothing more than for you to be happy always, sadness never near, as if you put a restraining order on it, don’t expect the same for me. truth is, i almost like being miserable. it’s like it’s my motivation to bring up every frustration at dinner time and know that very little of it really hurts me. 
so sweet to taste victory after proclaiming defeat. and when you start winning, you want more. you always want more.

noone ever died from wanting too much

and that could be the soundtrack to my life, it really could. 

the world is not enough
but it is such a perfect place to start, my love

but you don’t believe that do you?
you’re happy with the way we are, blissfully unaware of the way i hurt inside, thinking that you expect so much of me, the way every time i feel the burning need to give more and more, but seem able only to give less.

still, this is not the end.
i don’t believe there will be one, because i don’t want it to end. ever. but is that just me wanting too much again?

and right now i’m just not sure. yesterday hurt, if not you, then me. the conversation, the way you looked at me, the cold i felt eminating from the familiar warm mound of you on the bed there.
still, i’ll try to set the memories of our hurts alight, because really there aren’t that many. because i love you more than that.  

if we can’t have it all
then nobody will

but, my love, i’m afraid i can’t do a thing about my chronic unhapiness.
it’s become a part of me. just like you.


14 responses to “40. chronic unhappiness

  1. moondustwriter

    I really like your focus on chronic unhappiness. It does happen. Some people just live in that land – it’s not a bad thing – you phrased that so well. People can’t always be chronically happy!!!

    Love ya my sweet

  2. chubby cheeks

    Ya i can understand this, how sometimes people have masochistic tendencies, and start enjoyin the state of being in pain.

  3. I really like it and it is very clever but I am very sorry if it is truly this way.

  4. There is so much feeling in this, so many ways you love him that I can feel it too. Hug.

  5. “noone ever died from wanting too much”
    Sometimes it feels like we might, but you are right. I love this….I can hear your soundtrack, I can feel it too xx

  6. i prefer to call myself ‘restless’ than unhappy.. maybe ‘insatiable’ at times.. the need and want for more can leave one empty when surrounded by those satisfied with what ‘is’ rather than what ‘can be’….. why, pray tell, does only a small percentage of us want to suck the marrow from life?

  7. restless? non, i’m not testless at all. i know where i am, iknow every move, like has to in chess. unhappiness is all in the mind and maybe i am sucking the marrow from life. who knows, my dear?

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