I glisten like humidity on windows
of brazen memories of not so long ago
and you look through that glass into the night,
presence of my ghost lingering behind
as moonlight shines and stars above you shimmer
I continue to simmer.
——————————————————-
this is a poem from so long i don’t care to remember. it was a scribble on a notepad some solitary evening. about Y, of course. i dedicated few poems to X. it was Y that i loved.
and now, here we are: Y has just gotten engaged. the status flashed up as the first notification on my facebook homepage. c’est la vie and i don’t regret it. so long the finger isn’t mine, he can put all the rings on it he wants.
i don’t need a cage, just love, like nectar, flowing freely.
so give me love!
Posted in excerpts
Tagged above, ago, all, behind, brazen, c'est, cage, care, continue, course, dedicate, don't, engaged, evening, facebook, few, finger, first, flash, flowing, freely, from, ghost, give, glass, glisten, humidity, into, just, like, lingering, long, look, love, loved, me, memories, moonlight, my, nectar, need, night, not, notepad, notification, now, page, poem, poems, poetry, presence, put, regret, remember, rings, scribble, shimmer, shine, simmer, solitary, some, stars, status, that, through, vie, want, windows, x, y, you
blackout before my eyes.
blood, scalpel, heart, darkness. and then my mother’s voice, soothing, recieving, full of love.
i fell softly, straight into the recovery postion, noiselessly, languidly, water flowing downhill, gurlging softly at the impact with the rocks. as if i’m used to this. as if.
and there was drama, panic, shock, laughter even, lab oozing with emotion like a devil sick of sin.
noone would have ever guessed that i would faint: i was strong. a rock. a pillar. nobody’s princess.
but there it was. pig’s heart. or lamb’s. whichever. i cut it open, hands almost firm, quite agile. who knew how i was trembling deep inside? i didn’t scream or flinch, i looked at it from inside out, i smiled and laughed and feigned disgust. i know how to put on an act.
tension released, i fell like a birch leaf in the autumn gust.
standing there passive, watching older, firmer hands cut right through a heart, talking of it, the ventricles, the muscles, the–
that was too much.
no use for me as such.
and yet–
are you surprised i crumbled or rather that i didn’t crumble straightaway?
whichever one, that’s quite okay.
i came around.
before you know it, i’ll pick the scalpel up again.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged act, again, agile, almost, around, autumn, before, birch, blackout, blood, came, crumble, crumbled, cut, darkness, deep, devil, disgust, downhill, drama, emotion, even, eyes, faint, feigned, fell, firm, firmer, flinch, flow, from, full, guessed, gurgling, gust, hands, have, heart, how, if, impact, inside, into, knew, know, knowhow, lab, lamb, languidly, laughed, laughter, leaf, like, look, love, me, mother, much, muscles, no, nobody, noiselessly, noone, okay, older, one, ooze, open, out, panic, passive, pick, pig, pillar, position, princess, prose, put, quite, rather, recieving, recovery, released, rock, rocks, scalpel, scream, shock, sick, sin, smiled, softly, soothing, stand, straight, straightaway, strong, such, surprised, talk, tension, that, there, through, too, trembling, use, used, ventricles, voice, was, watch, water, whichever, who, with, would, yet, you
once this was my safe haven.
that changed, like everything changes, life swirling us all about in a glass of rosé or champagne, or cheap white wine, if you’d rather.
and i notice that i’ve become agreeable, but no more than that. i’m still all here, all me.
and then on tuesday the rainbow of my life seemed to have been broken up into the component colours and merged together, forming black.
is black a colour? i don’t know. all i know is, i couldn’t possibly write on tuesday or wednesday. or yesterday even. but with time comes acceptance. so here i am now, accepting my failed anonymity.
Y has read my diary, this. every word, or most, violated with his eyes.
and i asked him not to.
i asked everyone close to me not to read it. everyone complied. but him.
i didn’t send a link. i didn’t tell him the name i assumed or the posts i’ve written. i merely read him a poem.
the last poem i had written here, trace of us.
i didn’t read it so he would find me. i never thought he would.
i read it because i felt like i needed to read it to someone and you wasn’t here. i read it because it was about him.
next thing i know, or rather remember, someone, and it could have been anyone but something tells me it was him, typed trace and put the cork essence of us blog into google.
he found me.
he was the only person i read that poem to. the only one. and it can’t have possibly been anyone else.
the search was done less than an hour after i read him the poem.
and though i didn’t start the blog for him or X or you even, i thought of deleting it or not writing any more.
but in the end, i haven’t started this blog for him so what if he reads it?
i haven’t started this blog for him and he won’t be the reason i end it.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, acceptance, after, agreeable, all, anonymity, anyone, asked, assumed, become, been, black, blog, break, champagne, changed, changes, cheap, close, colour, colours, comply, component, cork, could, delete, diary, don't, done, else, end, essence, even, every, everyone, everything, eyes, failed, form, found, from, glass, google, has, have, haven, here, him, his, hour, into, it, know, last, less, life, like, link, me, merge, more, most, my, name, never, next, not, notice, of, once, one, only, or, person, poem, possibly, posts, put, rainbow, rather, read, reads, remember, rose, search, seem, send, someone, something, start, still, swirl, tell, that, then, thing, this, this safe, time, together, trace, tuesday, typed, us, violted, wednesday, white, wine, word, would, write, writing, written, x, y, yesterday, you
we’ll stop tonight
where lights carry a trace of us
and moon shines loftily on bare skin
if only to say goodbye
we’ll lay in the long grass
just like you wanted
no questions asked
no answers given
and put the cork into the essence of us
although,
it may still feel unfinished somehow
still raw
still paling
in the sunshine of your blackest sun,
maybe then, under the searching light,
i’ll stop hearing your goodbyes
knowing
you’re listening for my hellos
a year too late
———————————————–
and there are moments in our lives that lay imprinted behind our eyelids, fluttering with every heartbeat, waiting to escape.
this is one.
of stars was another.
but…
different people. different lives.
i know.
circles never end.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged another, answers, ask, athough, bare, behind, black, blackest, but, carry, cicles, cork, different, end, escape, essense, every, eyelids, feel, flutter, given, goodbye, goodbyes, grass, hear, heartbeat, hellos, if, imprinted, just, know, knowing, late, lay, light, lights, like, listening, lives, loftily, long, may, moments, moon, never, no, of stars, one, only, paling, people, poem, poems, poetry, put, questions, raw, say, searching, shine, skin, somewhow, still, stop, sun, sunshine, then, this, tonight, too, trace, under, unfinished, us, wait, want, was, we, where, year, you
i only stop when i know i’ve had enough.
i guess i haven’t had my fill just yet.
you’ve gone to france, as you always do. your second life, i call it, but i dont blame you: that’s what a lifetime of living with parents who are teachers does to you. four weeks this time; it’ll be five the next or six, or whatever. but i’ve stopped counting the days. i learnt to live without salting my wounds.
Y went camping with his blonde, though she’s not blonde now but rather a seductive red. they’ve been together months now. it’ll be a year soon. october, i think.
he was meant to come back yesterday, but his phone was off. i called him twice. twice is always my limit.
i know i’ll call him again.
X is just an ex. we speak sporadically on msn and i’ve not been on the computer for days. i just couldn’t face the lonely screen staring in my face. i wanted physical contact, the sound of someone’s, anyone’s voice reverbrating in my eardrums.
and i read books. sartre, “streetcar named desire” and anais nin with her erotica. that put me down, but then, i wanted to be put down. sometimes there comes a point in our lives when we can no longer continue to believe in what we are believing until we see what else there is to see.
then there was Z. another reunion. he called me just now. for no reason. he didn’t say so, but then he rarely says a lot. he’s coming back from wales today. he was away for a week, but what more is there to it? it was another failed lesson in love for him, but i know i’m not the one to teach him.
in the end of all ends, i love you.
and i met your ex too on the days. that was fun. hurt me like crazy but it had to be done.
somewhere in between “the spy in the house of love” and “the age of reason”, i’d lost my wits. literature has a way of doing that to you.
i needed to see her.
i needed to feel the arterial spray of your past on my face.
let her do her worst i thought and damn, she tried her best.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, age, always, anais nin, another, anyone, arterial spray, away, back, been, believe, best, between, blame, blonde, books, call, camp, camping, come, computer, contact, counting, crazy, days, do, doing, done, down, eardrums, end, ends, enough, ex, face, failed, feel, fill, five, for, four, france, fun, gonef, guess, had, haven't, him, his, house, hurt, it, just, know, learnt, lesson, life, lifetime, limit, literature, live, lives, living, lonely, lost, lot, love, meant, met, months, more, msn, named desire, needed, next, no, not, now, october, of, off, only, parents, past, phone, physical, point, put, rarely, rather, read, reason, red, reunion, reverbrating, salting, sartre, says, screen, second, seductive, see, six, someone, sometimes, somewhere, soon, sound, speak, sporadically, spy, staring, stop, stopped, streetcar, teach, teachers, think, this, though, time, today, together, tried, twice, until, voice, wales, want, way, week, weeks, went, whatever, when, without, wits, worst, wounds, x, y, year, yesterday, yet, you, z
glittering soot on her eyelashes 