you didn’t think to tell me
how you loved me
but i dreamt it up myself
and now i have a dream in every colour,
each shade: swarovski bead of glass,
reflections merely shadows
scattering in front of us.
i didn’t ask you to love me
you didn’t ask me back
no one asks the sun to shine.
but it does.
no one replies.
and in this deadly silence,
i sit alone,
my suitors lost in time.
the pain’s misplaced.
never mine.
and i can fall all i want
cos nobody would hear the noise |
socially unacceptable.
murdering your life.
taking risks at your expense.
not knowing how to live, i live thence.
and i can fall all i want
cos nobody would hear the noise |
i am that tree in the forest.
you want romance?
you never had a chance.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged all, alone, and, at, can, chance, cos, deadly, expense, fall, forest, had, hear, how, i, knowing, life, live, lost, mine, misplace, misplaced, murder, murdering, never, no, nobody, noise, noone, one, pain, replies, reply, risk, risks, romance, silence, sit, socially, suitors, take, that, thence, this, time, tree, unacceptable, want, would, your
blackout before my eyes.
blood, scalpel, heart, darkness. and then my mother’s voice, soothing, recieving, full of love.
i fell softly, straight into the recovery postion, noiselessly, languidly, water flowing downhill, gurlging softly at the impact with the rocks. as if i’m used to this. as if.
and there was drama, panic, shock, laughter even, lab oozing with emotion like a devil sick of sin.
noone would have ever guessed that i would faint: i was strong. a rock. a pillar. nobody’s princess.
but there it was. pig’s heart. or lamb’s. whichever. i cut it open, hands almost firm, quite agile. who knew how i was trembling deep inside? i didn’t scream or flinch, i looked at it from inside out, i smiled and laughed and feigned disgust. i know how to put on an act.
tension released, i fell like a birch leaf in the autumn gust.
standing there passive, watching older, firmer hands cut right through a heart, talking of it, the ventricles, the muscles, the–
that was too much.
no use for me as such.
and yet–
are you surprised i crumbled or rather that i didn’t crumble straightaway?
whichever one, that’s quite okay.
i came around.
before you know it, i’ll pick the scalpel up again.
Posted in chapters of my life
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‘excuse me. can you tell me where the station is?’
i stop. it’s early, sunday morning, i have four dozen newspapers on my back and then, a change of route. i pause. ‘err- the station? just walk down this road. you’ll see it in 200 meters on errr- that side’. then i look up. the guy’s about my age. i can’t remember his face, just his hair. it was straight, dark brown. and his gaze was so direct.
i heard the mumbling ‘you’re pretty’, gaze seemed unrelentless.
i smiled. how long ago have i heard that from someone? it’s always you’re beautiful from you. you’re so extravagant, my darling, you are!
‘thank you’ came out of my upturned lips, but i felt a nervous jittery feeling. he seemed so lost. could i have helped him? could i have cured the hunger for company eradiating in his eyes? no, i told myself, no.
so i said ‘you’ll find the station alright? just keep walking straight, you’ll see it‘ and i walked away. without long goodbyes, without any sense of pleasure in deprature.
‘excuse me, excuse me!‘. almost desperate, he was there again, a hundred meters on, in the wrong direction, next to me. ‘do you know the time?‘ i did. it was twenty past seven. gloomy morning.
he didn’t want to leave. he stood there gazing, telling me his friend ‘got beat up‘ and it as a ‘rough night but seeing a pretty girl…‘ and then, ‘can i whisper something into your ear?‘ i wasn’t keen – one never knows a thief. ‘if you must‘.
he saw my reluctant reaction.
so he said it out loud.
the street was empty.
there was noone who would hear.
and yet it was all so real.
‘i want to suck you out‘
and it took him so much to say it.
what was it, desire? impulse? lust?
so here i am. muneca brava. at last!
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, again, age, ago, almost, alright, always, am, are, away, back, beat, beautiful, brava, brown, can, can't, change, company, cure, dark, darling, departure, desire, desperate, did, direct, direction, down, dozen, ear, early, empty, eradiate, excuse, extravagant, eyes, face, feeling, four, friend, gaze, gazing, girl, gloomy, goodbyes, guy, hair, have, hear, heard, helped, here, him, hundred, hunger, if, impulse, into, is, jittery, just, keen, keep, know, last, leave, lips, long, look, lost, loud, lust, me, meters, morning, much, mumbling, muneca, must, my, myself, never, nevous, newspapers, next, night, no, noone, one, out, past, pause, pleasure, pretty, reaction, real, reluctant, remember, road, rough, route, said, saw, say, see, seeing, seemed, sense, seven, side, smiled, so, someone, something, station, stood, stop, straight, street, suck, sunday, tell, telling, thank, that, there, thief, this, time, told, took, twenty, unrelentless, upturned, walk, want, was, what, whisper, wrong, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 