putting up with my chronic unhappiness must drive you mad, my love.
and though i want nothing more than for you to be happy always, sadness never near, as if you put a restraining order on it, don’t expect the same for me. truth is, i almost like being miserable. it’s like it’s my motivation to bring up every frustration at dinner time and know that very little of it really hurts me.
so sweet to taste victory after proclaiming defeat. and when you start winning, you want more. you always want more.
noone ever died from wanting too much
and that could be the soundtrack to my life, it really could.
the world is not enough
but it is such a perfect place to start, my love
but you don’t believe that do you?
you’re happy with the way we are, blissfully unaware of the way i hurt inside, thinking that you expect so much of me, the way every time i feel the burning need to give more and more, but seem able only to give less.
still, this is not the end.
i don’t believe there will be one, because i don’t want it to end. ever. but is that just me wanting too much again?
and right now i’m just not sure. yesterday hurt, if not you, then me. the conversation, the way you looked at me, the cold i felt eminating from the familiar warm mound of you on the bed there.
still, i’ll try to set the memories of our hurts alight, because really there aren’t that many. because i love you more than that.
if we can’t have it all
then nobody will
but, my love, i’m afraid i can’t do a thing about my chronic unhapiness.
it’s become a part of me. just like you.
Posted in chapters of my life
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Y tengo un corazon
and nothing more
and nothing less
and though sometimes it may be trying
to own so little yet so much
i see a heartbeat in the chrome of your touch,
that ultramarine sky –
the cobalt in the silent high
and treasure the rhythm of the swelling blue
echoing through the vena cava of you
Y me gusta escuchar tu voz
and you can barely give me more
and you daren’t give me less
and life’s a blur of voices in my head
english broken
unspoken
and all your accents
´ˆ¸` ¨¨ ˆ¸ ¨ˆ`¸ ¨
swirl atop my clouded head
and there’s one thing i never said –
i punctuate my life with
ands –
that way the deep blue in me –and you– never ends
it never ends!
Posted in excerpts
Tagged accents, and, ands, atop, barely, blue, blur, broken, cava, chroime, clouded, cobalt, daren't, deep, echoing, ends, english, give, haeart, have, head, heartbeat, high, i, less, life, like, listen, little, me, more, much, my life, never, nothing, one, own, poems, poetry, punctuate, rhythm, said, silent, sky, sometimes, swelling, swirl, that, thing, though, through, touch, treasure, trying, ultramarine, unspoken, vena, voice, voices, way, with, writing, you, your
the little pressures of life are getting to me and thought i try not to let it show, you just know. you know. you could turn a blind eye and sometimes i wish you would, but you don’t.
no, you soak up my pain instead and pour it out in vials of tears silently falling from your eyes.
last night it was me that was hurting, but it was you that was crying.
and without you i’d be lost, i think, my love.
it is your voice that lulls me to sleep, your hands that fleetingly touch the inside of my thighs as we sit there on the train: me reading the paper with you by my side, your heart in my hands.
and your tears, silent, unheard, unrehearsed wash over me in a lapping wave of memory, white foam of pain caressing the soft golden sands of dreams.
deja vu haunts me.
this has once already happened.
with Y.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged bilnd, caress, could, crying, deja vu, dreams, eye, eyes, fall, foam, get, golden, hands, happened, haunt, heart, hurting, inside, know, last, let, life, literature, little, lost, love, lulls, memory, musings, my, my life, my love, night, not, once, over, pain, paper, pour, pressures, read, sands, show, side, silent, silently, sleep, soak, soft, sometimes, tears, thighs, think, touch, train, try, turn, unheard, unrehearsed, vials, voice, wash, wave, white, wish, without, would, writing, y, you
i like the fact that what we have is secret from prying eyes, that there is no label to label what we are. more than friends and less than partners, i like that no one knows about us you said.
if you’d have said anything else, anything else at all, i think i could have told myself that i was stupid for wanting to keep you forever to myself, for wanting to give up my vast blue skies and volunarily walk into a cage made of molten gold, locking it and swallowing the key, breaking my own wings so i couldn’t fly away on impulse, singing one last song before i beseeched you an eternity of silence.
yes, if you said anything else at all, i might have laughed at my own stupidity, at the irony of me, me wanting to settle for anyone at all, but now i know i need you.
i need you because you don’t need me.
life works in funny ways, mon amour.
and there’s no other reason for me needing you than that.
i need you for almost no reason at all.
Posted in chapters of my life
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we talked about baby names today. not that we’ll have kids. not even that we’d ever want to, but that’s how conversation strays, non, mon ami? and we can laugh and giggle all we want but in the end, would we ever want a family?
it’s not something we have, or at least i have, thought about.
you think i’m not a family sort of girl and maybe i’m not. i don’t tell you enough about myself fro you to really know.
all you know is the way my breath tastes on your tongue and the way my hair flutters in the cold winter wind, ponytail restricting its movement. containing it.
and that’s all you need to know.
aren’t you happy with the piece of thread i stretch out to you, like a life line? the way i pretend there’s nothing else connecting us, because that’s the way i work?
and this is it. this is me. a solitary link in the collective chain, a broken smile amidst the glum faces.
yours and someone else’s.
or maybe not yours at all.
Posted in chapters of my life
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glittering soot on her eyelashes 