yes, you are right, i should like to hide my head in the sand and pretend all that darkness is nothing but light shining through a filter tinted the colour of night. i should pretend last night never happened, i should pretend i am content here by your side in the leafy undergrowth of life where all i see are roots uprooted, dying in the sun. and would you blame me?
i could not sleep last night, thinking of the shining lights enveloping you, pillow over my head to drown out hurt. i wondered if i ought to watch a film, but that would be defeat. no, i would lay here and count your wrongs, my wrongs, the cracks in the ceiling of our hearts, thoughts, lives.
soon, soon, the artery would rupture and drown out the pain.
soon, soon.
i knew i couldn’t cut myself. what with? a knife? i could almost hear you saying don’t be silly in that tone of yours. and pills, what good would it do? only that i may die without salvation, without the knowledge of how to cling to love by the skin of your fingertips. or maybe i know that already.
and i can’t live with all that poison, not even just for tonight. i would fight but my limbs have gone to sleep and i am faced with a picture of you in the club, music pounding, drinks flowing, girls dancing.
and i realise i can’t say that there is anything missing. there is not.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, almost, already, and, anything, are, artery, be, blame, bring, by, can't, ceiling, cling, club, colour, content, could, couldn't, count, cracks, cut, dancing, darkness, defeat, die, do, don't, drinks, drown, dying, enveloping, even, faced, fight, film, filter, fingertips, flowing, girls, gone, good, happened, have, head, hear, hearts, here, hide, how, hurt, in, is, just, knew, knife, know, knowledge, last, lay, leafy, life, light, lights, like, limbs, live, lives, love, may, maybe, me, missing, music, my, myself, never, night, not, nothing, of, only, ought, our, out, over, pain, picture, pillow, pills, poison, pounding, pretend, realise, right, roots, rupture, salvation, sand, say, saying, see, shining, should, side, silly, skin, sleep, soon, sun, that, the, there, thinking, thoughts, through, tinted, to, tone, tonight, undergrowth, uprooted, watch, what, where, with, without, wondered, would, wrongs, yes, you, your, yours
you can have the whole of me in this field:
i pressed my soul into its loins
and beads of sweat still glisten
on the body learning to tango
in the outpour of rain.
i will surrender only here
so take care not to move even a strand of hair
from beneath the tree where i will lay through my whole life,
as if dying prematurely,
for this is home and i forbid you.
a day will come when spring will open me enough
for sun to shine
into the roots of the old cambridge tree
and open up
the rest of me.
—————————————————————-
i’ve been writing this poem for a while now and it feels forever unfinished. maybe that’s just me, always a word out, a syllable in. and then i give up and start something else. at the end of the day, however, i always come back to this. and the oldest tree in cambridge.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged always, back, beads, been, beneath, body, cambridge, can, care, come, day, dying, else, end, enough, even, feels, field, for, forbid, forever, from, give, glisten, hair, have, here, home, in, into, is, lay, learning, life, loins, maybe, me, move, my, not, now, of, old, oldest, only, open, opened, out, outpour, poem, poems, poetry, prematurely, pressed, rain, rest, roots, shine, something, soul, spring, start, still, strand, sun, surrender, sweat, syllable, take, tango, that, the, then, this, through, tree, unfinished, up, when, where, while, whole, will, word, writing, you
the week is nearly over. again.
and it feels like rain on skin in the heat of summer, raising goosebumps in spite of its warmth.
i never want anything to end.
not even nightmares.
i drag them out carefully, tossing and turning, roasting, like a pig, in my own cold sweat.
i had one every night this week. sometimes two. and i remember. i don’t keep tabs on my subconsiousness because it scares me. the brutality of the mind always scares me. and i dream of death. of death and failure.
y flores. flores para los muertos.
right now, my world is a house made of paper: cards with pretty scribbles on them, where blanche‘s words i lived in a house where dying old women remembered their dead men have more than substance; they have depth to go on and on, revolving in my head.
i’ve seen them from every angle. i swear.
what is it with death?
i’ve always said i have to die before the one i love. i couldn’t stand life otherwise. and i’ve made you promise you won’t die before me. i’ve made you promise me the unthinkable, the unpredictable, the unpromisable.
i did it just because sometimes i just need to know that you won’t die.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, always, ange, anything, because, before, blanche du bois, brutality, card, cards, carefully, cold, dead, death, did, die, drag, dream, dying, end, even, every, failure, feel, feels, flores, goosebumps, have, head, heat, house, is, it, just, keep, know, life, like, live, love, made, me, men, mind, more, my, nearly, need, never, night, nightmares, not, now, on, one, otherwise, out, over, own, paper, para, pig, promise, prose, rain, raise, remember, remembered, revolve, right, scare, scribbles, seen, skin, sometimes, spite, stand, subconsiousness, substance, summer, swear, sweat, tabs, the, their, them, they, this, to, toss, turn, two, unpredictable, unpromisable, unthinkable, want, warmth, week, what, where, women, won't, words, world, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 
