there was a line in streetcar named desire that i remember. it said it’s touching to notice them making their first discovery of love! As if nobody had ever known it before. it resonates, for now the time has come for the bud to be broken and flowers to bloom in the late-spring night air.
the risk is nothing. nothing, really. there are only the long sprawling afternoons this side of summer, when paper is scrunched up into tiny little balls and burnt with a magnifying glass or matches. whichever, the result is all that matters. words are nothing: this air requires action!
and there are trees, so beautiful this time of year. they remind me of walking to school in the summer and inhaling the scent of apple tree blossom with T. those were the days, eh?
but now, no now, those buds will open and blossom will scatter into the hands of a handsome young man that we choose. for me, this sweltering summer, it’ll be you. and, god willing (an expression i borrowed from an altogether more believing friend of mine), next summer also. for T (if we were boys, she’d be a brother from another mother) it will be someone else. Her new beau (a rather lovely Tenessee expression!). her very first. amazing stength and will and beauty.
so here we are, and isn’t it queer to think we shall be here always? in the arms of another, in the throes of spring, the coming summer alighting hopes in every single one of us, as if petards were thrown at the pavement before us, at our feet, at our willing young hearts?
and we can’t help this feeling hopeful. and we can’t pretend we didn’t want this life.
so every year, like clockwork, we will be discoving those cherry soda loves and shedding blossom in each other’s arms.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged action, afternoons, air, alight, all, also, altogether, always, amazing, another, apple, are, arms, balls, be, beau, beautiful, beauty, before, believing, bloom, blossom, borrowed, boys, broken, brother, bud, buds, burnt, can't, cherry, choose, clockwork, come, coming, days, desire, didn't, discovering, discovery, each, else, every, expression, feeling, feet, first, flowers, friend, from, glass, God, had, hands, handsome, hearts, help, her, here, hope, hopeful, hopes, in, inhaling, into, it, known, late, life, like, line, little, love, loves, magnifying, making, man, matches, matters, me, mine, more, mother, named, new, next, no, nobody, notice, now, one, open, other, our, paper, pavement, petards, poetry, pretend, prose, queer, rather, remember, remind, requires, resonate, result, said, scatter, scent, school, scrunched, shall, she, shedding, side, single, soda, someone, sprawling, spring, streetcar, strength, summer, sweltering, t, tenessee, their, them, there, think, this, those, throes, thrown, time, tiny, touching, tree, trees, up, us, very, walking, want, was, we, were, whichever, will, willing, with, words, year, you, young
bonne anniversaire!
i like the way it rings, reverbrating from the eardrums straight into the heart. it’s been a year.
only.
already.
and i don’t know how to feel, i just feel the need to thank you for the knowledge that someone in the world matters more than the world itself. je t’adore. and i’m not joking. sometimes, not too often, i catch myself pause in the middle of the sentence when i look at you because thoughts that flush into my head like tapwater into a blocked sink.
i’d say remember, but you do. every word i say. you’re magic, you hear me? maybe. telekenisis? unlikely. but know, if you do, that though you’re not here but somewhere else, my feeling never wanes. artificial flowers never wilt; real emotion never dies. sometimes it just recedes to the back of the mind. like magic.
you gave me the rosary beads from your first communion as a gift this morning. placed it along with your card on my porch. and i swear, i didn’t know what to do. it seemed like so much. a universe of you in my palm.
and i couldn’t wait to ask you about the meaning, though i knew. and you knew that i do. it’s a game we play because neither of us likes losing.
it’s a symbol that i’m ready to learn about it with you. and i can’t be sure that’s exactly what you said, but that’s what i heard.
and i’m stuck for words, but i sit here clutching at metal and plastic made to look like glass in silence and i know wherever i go, you’ll follow.
sometimes emotion is enough to fill the silence. this once, its more than enough.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, along, already, anniversaire, artificial, ask, back, beads, because, been, blocked, bonne, but, card, catch, clutch, communion, couldn't, dies, do, don't, eardrums, else, emotion, enough, every, exactly, feel, feeling, fill, first, flowers, flush, follow, from, game, gave, gift, glass, go, head, hear, heard, heart, here, how, into, itself, je t'adore, joking, knew, know, knowledge, learn, like, look, losing, made, magic, matter, maybe, me, meaning, metal, middle, mind, more, morning, much, my, myself, need, neither, never, not, often, on, once, only, palm, pause, placed, plastic, play, porch, ready, real, recedes, remember, reverbrate, rings, rosary, said, say, seem, sentence, silence, sink, sit, so, someone, sometimes, somewhere, straight, stuck, sure, swear, symbol, tapwater, telekenisis, than, thank, this, though, thoughts, to, universe, unlikely, us, wait, wane, way, we, what, when, wherever, wilt, with, word, words, world, year, you
your flowers withered
in the gentlest of the ways
petals dried in heat,
but languidly, with grace
heads bowing, browning
but staying whole, intact —
i wish our love to be this subtle:
shimmying harbour in the deepest blue,
waves of the desire hurling,
burning sand up in the night
until it runs like a sea of café latte
topped with strawberry sauce.
the colour of the petals of the rose.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged be, blue, bowing, browning, burn, burning, but, cafe, colour, deep, deepest, desire, dried, flowers, gentle, gentlest, grace, harbour, head, heads, heat, hurl, hurling, intact, languidly, latte, like, love, night, our, petal, petals, poem, poems, poetry, rose, run, runs, sand, sauce, sea, shimmying, stay, staying, strawberry, subtle, this, to, top, topped, until, wave, waves, way, ways, whole, wish, with, wither, you, your
notes reverbrate in my head, songs drown in their own chords. words on words, words on words.
and i am fear, i am love.
i’ve been found out.
‘i am yours now
so now i don’t ever have to leave
i’ve been found out
so now i’ll never explore’
and i can’t stop thinking, though you’ve given me no reason to. you’ve been a darling, my precipice of love.
it is me, it is i.
i’ve betrayed your honest motifs by wanting more, by being unsure. every other girl would be thankful to never have to leave, but i am i. i can only think of all the lands whose flowers won’t open their buds to me, of all the trees that won’t bloom for me.
i am me and this is i.
i want to come and go, spending every morning in your harbour, every night – under the shine of communal stars.
i’m only tender and i’m only young. i can’t go for days without setting bridges on fire.
imma let it burn.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, am, and, be, been, being, betrayed, bloom, bridges, buds, burn, but, can, can't, chords, come, communal, darling, don't, drown, every, explore, fear, fire, flowers, found, girl, give, go, harbour, have, head, honest, i, imma, is, it, lands, leave, let, love, me, more, morning, motifs, my, never, night, no, notes, now, of, on, only, open, other, out, poems, poetry, precipice, reason, reverbrate, setting, shine, song, songs, spend, stars, stop, tender, thankful, the, their, think, thinking, this, though, to, trees, under, unsure, want, whose, without, won't, words, would, young, your, yours
can you tell me, why de ja vu haunts me like a predator stalking its only surviving prey? the de ja vu, embossed with its frenchness. just like you. just like those kisses you plant on my lips, their buds opening in the middle of the darkest nights, as i wake in cold sweat, clammy hands turning on the lights to chase the demons away.
and i realise, that love is french, italian, dominican. but more than that, it’s foreign to all of us. it’s language – mysterious hum in the early-morning air, it’s lands – unbounded by borders, it’s people waking up every morning, just like the rest of us, seductive scent of coffee in their kitchens, shatter of broken cups imprinting its echo on the windows.
and when i think of love, i think of the mess that coffee would make, drops collecting, puddle spreading with every beat of the heart. my mess.
and it doesnt touch you. you’re not really here. not entirely.
and love doesn’t cut you with its broken china or stain your slippers with instant coffee, fresh those marble tiles.
does it touch you at all?
…
it’s been three months now and i’ve nothing to tell me that i’m yours, only a herbarium of those flowers you bought me the day my mother went to the zoo with my little sister in tow.
only a dead plant, in an envelope somewhere, next to Y’s unopened loveletters and the note that X kissed so that a part of him may remain with me forever, or whatever his reasoning was.
and at night, in somebody’s kitchen, in a land far away, my heartbeat keeps the coffee flowing.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged air, all, away, beat, border, bought, broken, bud, buds, can, chase, china, clammy, coffee, cold, collect, cups, cut, darkest, de ja vu, dead, demons, dominican, drop, drops, early, echo, embossed, entirely, envelope, every, far, flowers, flowing, foreign, forever, french, frenchness, fresh, hands, haunt, heart, heartbeat, herbarium, here, him, his, hum, imprint, instant, italian, just, keeps, kiss, kissed, kitchen, kitchens, land, lands, language, letters, light, lights, like, lips, little, love, make, marble, may, me, mess, middle, mither, months, morning, my, mysterious, next, night, note, nothing, now, of, only, open, out, part, people, plant, predator, prey, puddle, realise, really, reasoning, remain, rest, scent, seductive, shatter, sister, slippers, somebody, somewhere, spread, stain, stalk, survive, sweat, tell, that, think, three, tiles, touch, tow, turn, unbounded, unopened, us, wake, wake up, waking, was, went, whatever, window, with, x, y, you, yours, zoo
glittering soot on her eyelashes 