since before i loved you,
i dreamt of your eyes:
two slices of blue gulf
stripped along the horizon,
with a million years of rain.
i wanted them before i knew you,
only they can penetrate me
with the force of a thousand burning suns.
i can feel them on my lips
through the sound of your breathing.
i love therefore i am.
sometimes i find it tough to show you that you’re the only one that matters in this life. and here you are: here i am.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged along, am, are, before, blue, breathing, burning, can, canf, dreamt, eyes, feel, find, force, glistening, gulf, here, horizon, i, knew, life, lips, love, loved, matters, me, million, my, of, one, only, penetrate, poems, poetry, rain, show, since, slices, sometimes, sound, stripped, suns, sure, that, them, therefore, they, this, thousand, through, tough, two, wanted, years, you, your
we change. why do we do that? tell me truthfully and without needless words.
i spoke to you in a language you did not understand, in hope that your eyes would tell me what your lips couldn’t. in the end, your hands spoke, holding my flesh as if it were a vessel brimming with the very water of life.
i wonder how and why we have come to this river where the past merges with the future and washes over the present. more importantly, how did i leave Y behind with all his unread letters; and how did you find me amongst all the other grains of sand?
i’ve listened to too many sad songs, heard too many excuses and i spoke to Y on friday.
he came out with a gem when i told him that really, i had never lied to him, never told him i’ll be yours forever. he told me that he never lied either. a lie is something that is said with the intention of deceit.
clever boy. pah!
i stick to my two plus two: all my past hurt equals you. and i’m thankful.
and between the lapses in translation i’m convinced that nothing matters but me and you and your hands. they will find me all over again.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, all, amongst, and, behind, between, boy, brimming, came, change, clever, come, completion, convinced, could, deceit, did, do, end, equals, excuses, eyes, find, flesh, forever, friday, future, gem, grains, hands, have, he, heard, him, his, holding, hope, how, hurt, important, intention, language, lapses, leave, letters, lie, lied, life, lips, listened, many, matters, me, merges, more, my, needless, never, not, nothing, other, out, over, pah, past, plus, present, really, river, sad, said, sand, something, songs, spoke, stick, tell, thankful, that, they, this, told, too, translation, truthfully, two, understand, unread, very, vessel, washes, water, we, were, what, where, why, will, with, without, wonder, words, y, you, your, yours
and with the blurring quality of a spanish sunset
i ought to stop dreaming of the miracle
they [nora knows] don’t happen ever
no fool but i expects
a man to build a roof over the pedestal
everyone knows statues have no eyes to worry about rain
sleep like trauma washing over me washing dishes
as if salt could wash away a man-made stain
what call you this
a fading jaded tan line of black bags under the eyes
what am i now
a landing strip stripped bare so there!
Posted in excerpts
Tagged about, am, and, away, bags, bare, black, blurring, build, but, call, could, dishes, don't, dreaming, ever, everyone, expects, expendable, eyes, fading, fool, happen, have, i, jaded, knows, landing, like, line, made, man, miracle, no, nora, now, ought, over, pedestal, poems, poetry, quality, rain, roof, salt, sleep, so, spanish, stain, statues, stop, strip, stripped, sunset, tan, there, they, this, to, trauma, under, wash, washing, what, with, worry, you
through my paperround last year i met a wonderful man. he used to walk his dog as i’d deliver papers and we started talking around the time i started writing this blog. i think he’s 82: he must have mentioned it a while back. and i’m afraid there’s nothing literary about him: his existence is one of uncouth coutesy.
i quit the paperround a while back now but i still see him every sunday. nine o’clock in the morning, like church. he’s my little christian connection: even S is nowhere near taking his place. he gave me a bible with a picture of him in his youth stuck at the back, so that i remember him. secretly, i think, he believes that it will help me find him in heaven: he believes i will go there after all.
to my friends, this man is “the old man”. to me, he is much more than that. it may be true that i meet him every sunday partly because i feel like it’s my obligation, but also because somewhere beneath my skin there’s a tendon that connects me to him.
his wife died last night. or the night before that. and there’s no more words because i’m hurting for him. because how can one even begin to describe his pain?
i had made them a card only this march: they celebrated their 60th wedding annivesary.
sometimes he told me he wondered if she ever loved him but i know that was only because he loved her more than anything else. ever.
and it’s a little late for him to tell her, but i hope she knew. i think she knew.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, afraid, after, all, also, anniversar, anything, around, back, because, before, believes, beneath, bereavement, bible, blog, but, can, card, celebrated, christian, church, connection, connects, courtesy, death, deliver, describe, died, dog, else, even, ever, every, existence, feel, find, for, friends, gave, go, have, he, heaven, help, her, him, his, hope, how, hurting, knew, know, last, late, like, literary, little, loved, made, man, march, may, me, meet, mentioned, met, more, morning, much, mush, my, near, night, nine, nothing, now, nowhere, o'clock, obligation, of, old, one, only, pain, paperround, papers, partly, picture, place, quit, remember, s, sadness, secretly, see, she, skin, sometimes, somewhere, started, stuck, sunday, taking, talking, tell, tendon, than, that, their, there, there's, they, think, this, through, time, to, told, true, uncouth, used, walk, was, we, wedding, while, wife, will, with, wondered, wonderful, words, writing, year, youth
it’s time for answers. or questions. whichever.
a fellow writer inspired me to think about a few. and they started the clock tick-tocking inside my mind: what did a girl like me want anyhow? what is the dream, the true ideal?
1. i’d like a picture of you on my windowsill by my bed: to keep, to hold, to treasure. it will be my reminder that you exist and when i wake up in the middle of the night, wondering if i dreamt up my whole life, i want it there to touch. it’ll be solid in my hands. a relic. and it’ll be in a mosaic picture-frame we’ve yet to buy. in barcelona or in paris (just because i like the way you say it) or in a magic place far away.
2. i’d like to have you on call, running to me whenever i need you there and sometimes just because. you know: for no reason, just because i want to be in your arms where it’s never lonely.
3. and i want you to have eyes for nobody else but me, following me, stalking me, penetrating me anew with every gaze. i want them to ask me for affirmation of my love every morning and i want them to drown me whole, as if they were not eyes but lagoons of clear-blue water in devon, on hot summer afternoon, when all you want is to immerse yourself whole in water .
4. but more than anything, i’d like to know that this is where you want to be: here with me.
5. that will be all.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, affirmation, afternoon, all, anew, answers, anyhow, anything, arms, ask, away, barcelona, be, because, bed, blue, but, buy, by, call, clear, clock, devon, did, dream, dreamt, drown, else, ever, every, exist, eyes, far, fellow, few, follow, frame, gazee, girl, hands, have, here, hold, hot, ideal, if, immerse, inside, inspire, it, just, keep, know, lagoons, life, like, lonely, love, magic, me, middle, mind, more, morning, mosaic, my, need, never, night, no, nobody, not, Paris, penetrate, picture, place, questions, reason, relic, reminder, running, say, solid, sometimes, stalking, started, summer, than, that, them, there, they, think, this, tick, time, tock, touch, treasure, true, up, wake, want, water, way, were, what, when, whenever, where, which, whichever, whole, will, windowsill, with, wondering, writer, yet, you, yourself
will anybody tell me if i’m missing out on life?
will anyone write me a letter just so i know?
and everybody seems to be making a film, a compilation of their thoughts right here, right now. irony is, i’m wasting my words on the wind, across the telephone wires that stretch inside my head. and when i am brave enough to speak my words out, they are spoken to you alone. what about the rest of the world? how will they ever know?
you made a film with your friends. i guess that’s what you do in youth.
me? i used to leave my colouring books blank for fear of spoiling them. funny me.
and whenever creativity came to me, i wrote the words, drew the pictures on scraps of paper. i still have some of them. little pieces of my mind written in quickhand.
and though none of them relate to you, all that i remember of X is there: they are silent exultations, utterances of pain and dreams. they are free.
sometimes, i still wish i coloured those pictures in.
and sometimes i know there’s no use wishing: it’s all too late now. i’ve sketched my life out in this morning sunshine. whatever happens now was always meant to be.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged about, across, all, alone, always, am, and, anybody, anyone, are, be, blank, books, brave, came, coloured, colouring, compilation, creativity, do, dreams, drew, enough, ever, everybody, exhultations, fear, film, films, free, friends, funny, guess, happen, have, head, here, how, in, inside, irony, is, just, know, late, leave, letter, life, little, made, making, me, meant, mind, missing, morning, my, no, none, now, of, out, pain, paper, petry, pictures, pieces, prose, quickhand, relate, remember, rest, right, scraps, seems, silent, sketched, so, some, sometimes, speak, spoil, spoken, still, stretch, sunshine, telephone, tell, that, the, their, them, they, this, those, though, thoughts, to, to be, too, use, used, utterance, wasting, what, whatever, when, whenever, will, wind, wires, wish, wishing, words, world, write, written, wrote, xthere, you, your, youth
some days i realise
they wouldn’t be worth living
if i didn’t have you
pounding in my heart.
it sounds cliché,
somehow outdated, to say this here
and to say this now. almost
a long-distance call to atlanta
where skies flow like whisky down the throat,
and people, morning sunshine,
before receiver clicks in the ear
with mourning beep foreshadowing the silence
with a million shards of sounds
running like a movie in my eyes.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged almost, and, atlanta, be, beach, before, call, cliche, click, days, distance, down, ear, eyes, flow, foreshadow, have, heart, here, if, like, live, living, long, million, morning, mourn, mourning, movie, my, now, outdated, people, poems, poetry, pound, realise, reciever, run, running, say, shards, silence, skies, some, sounds, storm, sunshine, they, throat, where, whisky, with, worth, wouldn't