why was the moon shining so bright last night? and the night before last. the night before that it was cloudy but still it managed to peek through. and i don’t know what to say to you. i used to moon-watch when i was studying astronomy at school.
let me fall into this stupour. the whites of my eyes will turn into two big moons to shine on the world in the darkest light. for i am sin.
all sin.
and S is catholic.
beyond all means.
and i no longer know if he believes in love, because he believes in so little by believing in so much. if he ever asks, i shall tell him this much: that i no longer know him, because what he was to me is not compatible with what he is now.
i believe in choice. to me, choice is love.
catholicism is brutal: it gives no choice.
abortion is not an option he told me. what if the pregnancy is the result of rape? i asked. she’d still have to have the child.
my eyes glazed over. i forgot who i was speaking to.
and he’s not sure if he believes in contraception: life hasn’t forced him to think about that yet. how can anybody say that in a world with AIDS?
i’m lost. what does he know of the fire of desire that drives me on and on?
i know sometimes you have to let go and start again, from scratch. but i can’t. not now.
suppose i am Kai, from Hans Christian Andersen’s book, and he is the splinter of troll-mirror that befell into my eye.
how can i run away if it it’s in the mind?
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged abortion, about, again, AIDS, all, an, anybody, asked, asks, astronomy, at, away, because, befell, before, believe, believes, believing, beyond, big, book, bright, brutal, can, can't, catholic, catholicism, child, choice, cloudy, compatible, contraception, darkest, desire, drives, ever, eye, eyes, fall, fire, forced, forgot, from, gives, glazed, hasn't, have, he, hhave, him, how, i, if, in, into, is, it's, kai, know, knowhow, last, let, life, light, little, longer, lost, love, managed, me, means, mind, mirror, moon, moons, much, my, night, no, not, now, option, over, peek, pregnancy, rape, result, run, s, say, school, scratch, shall, shine, sin, so, sometimes, speaking, splinter, start, still, studying, stupour, suppose, sure, tell, that, the, think, this, through, to, told, troll, turn, two, used, was, watch, what, when, whites, who, why, will, with, world, yet, you
no one replies.
and in this deadly silence,
i sit alone,
my suitors lost in time.
the pain’s misplaced.
never mine.
and i can fall all i want
cos nobody would hear the noise |
socially unacceptable.
murdering your life.
taking risks at your expense.
not knowing how to live, i live thence.
and i can fall all i want
cos nobody would hear the noise |
i am that tree in the forest.
you want romance?
you never had a chance.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged all, alone, and, at, can, chance, cos, deadly, expense, fall, forest, had, hear, how, i, knowing, life, live, lost, mine, misplace, misplaced, murder, murdering, never, no, nobody, noise, noone, one, pain, replies, reply, risk, risks, romance, silence, sit, socially, suitors, take, that, thence, this, time, tree, unacceptable, want, would, your
yes: cut the tension with blue zircon,
or sparkling, glittering blue ice
and the rain may stop falling,
slowly dripping on us |
know: truth is no more than beauty,
one slow and amorous affair
of which artistes have softly spoken
with many tongues and their right hands |
still, love is here: a polished topaz
resembling one slowly falling sky,
created aimlessly – exception to the rule,
where rules and promises are one |
and here am i: nor love nor truth nor beauty,
a sudden stop
in pauses of this life.
you see me now.
it that enough?
Posted in excerpts
Tagged affair, aimlessly, am, amorous, and, artist, artiste, beauty, blue, created, cut, drip, enough, exception, fall, falling, glittering, hands, here, ice, know, life, love, many, may, me, more, no, nor, now, one, pauses, poems, poetry, polished, promise, promises, rain, resemble, right, rule, rules, see, sky, slow, slowly, softly, sparkling, spoken, still, stop, sudden, tension, that, their, this, tongues, topaz, truth, us, where, which, with, yes, you, zircon
you cushion my falls
like a pillow
of finely ground murano glass,
with the voice of rustling leaves in october
crackling and shimmying underfoot.
your glass is my sand of world’s beaches,
where coloured lights we make break the dark,
warmth engulfing the contours of your body,
nectar flowing freely from the cup.
so know
it is for you,
i ride the moon and back,
hair flowing on the rising morning tide;
for all the nights you let me cry in the pillow
made from the ground pieces of your heart.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged all, back, beaches, body, break, coloured, contour, contours, crackle, crackling, cry, cup, cushion, dark, engulf, fall, falls, finely, flow, for, freely, from, glass, ground, hair, heart, is, it, know, leaves, let, lights, like, made, make, me, moon, morning, murano, my, nectar, nights, october, pieces, pillow, poems, poetry, ride, rising, rustling, sand, shimmy, shimmying, so, tide, underfoot, voice, warmth, we, where, with, world, you, your
we, too, had gotten it all wrong more than once in our lives. we ran from desire instead of running towards it. disbelieved what mathematical induction could not prove, but what remains quite true: every pain, in every measure, can be counter-balanced by pleasure.
and i, the jagged tremor in your heart, the slight pause in your groan, am weak, for how many times i have surrendered to the illusion of lust?
but i shall find an excuse worth loving, a sentence worth of praise.
i am a woman.
no, a girl.
but more than that, i cannot feel complete unless i am a pool, half-full, passion rising to the surface, black oil floating on translucent water.
my heart is a pool collecting rivulets of desire in its basin, each drop – the sacred elixir of life. yes, i’ve changed. i used to say why be a man’s wife if you can be his mistress and now i’d rather say nothing at all.
now, i love you and you alone, but –
always a but-
i need the scarlet light to fall upon my form, if only to show off the violent carmine of my bullfighter’s cape.
my whole life is contained in the balance of virginal white and the shade of moonlight casting its fragile rays on lovers in the night. those colours merge to form my blood.
scarlet like the summer bloom of red roses, half-concealed by the shadows of rising sun.
and as i yearn for the chains of desire, wrap threads of red silk around me, dream me up sordid dreams.
i love you as you are, even if sometimes that’s not how it seems.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, alone, always, and, are, around, balance, basin, be, black, blood, bloom, bullfighter, but, cannot, cape, carmine, cast, chains, changed, collect, colours, complete, conceal, contained, could, counter, desire, disbelieved, dream, dreams, drop, each, elixir, even, every, excuse, fall, feel, find, float, form, fragile, full, girl, gotten, groan, had, half, heart, how, illusion, induction, instead, jagged, life, light, lives, love, lovers, loving, lust, man, many, mathematical, me, measure, merge, mistress, moonlight, more, night, no, not, nothing, now, oil, once, only, our, pain, passion, pause, pleasure, pool, praise, prose, prove, quite, ran, rather, rays, red, remains, rise, rising, rivulets, roses, sacred, say, scarlet, seems, sentence, shade, shadow, shall, show, silk, slight, sometimes, sordid, summer, sun, surface, surrender, than, that, those, threads, times, too, towards, translucent, tremor, true, unless, upon, used, violent, virginal, water, we, weak, what, white, whole, why, wife, woman, worth, wrap, wrong, yearn, yes, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 