how vain i should be to reread my own posts, but sometimes, late at night or early in the morning, i find myself scrolling through the past on the computer, mouthing the words or simply caressing them with my eyes. because within me there is something i have not yet understood. an undercurrent of a river lost in my old, unpracticed tongue.
rio de la plata maybe. or river of the sun.
even the sun has sunspots, darker on the background of virginal white; and so i have the blind spots: i always find them when i try. no light is enough to banish the spot of darkess on my sleeve: the drop of blood refusing to wash off in hot water. it would wash off in the cold, i know, but it’ll never get the chance.
chances are far and in between, don’t you know?
and i find myself every time, unexpected, like red peonies on a rose bush in may.
находжу себе кожен раз в шматку чорного хліба.
but what is there to find, other than the poems i had learnt by heart in years three and five. and seven. wordsworth’s daffodils.
the yellow vibrancy of life.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged always, background, banish, be, because, between, blind, bush, caressing, chance, cold, computer, daffodils, darker, darkness, de, don't, drop, early, enough, even, every, eyes, far, find, five, get, has, have, heart, hot, how, i, in, know, la, late, learnt, life, light, lost, may, maybe, me, morning, mouthing, my, myself, never, night, not, old, on, other, own, past, peonies, plata, poems, posts, red, refuse, reread, rio, river, rose, scrolling, seven, should, simply, sleeve, so, something, sometimes, spot, spots, sun, sunspots, than, them, there, three, through, time, tongue, try, undercurrent, understood, unexpected, unpracticed, vain, vibrancy, virginal, wash, water, what, when, white, within, words, wordsworth, would, years, yellow, yet
we, too, had gotten it all wrong more than once in our lives. we ran from desire instead of running towards it. disbelieved what mathematical induction could not prove, but what remains quite true: every pain, in every measure, can be counter-balanced by pleasure.
and i, the jagged tremor in your heart, the slight pause in your groan, am weak, for how many times i have surrendered to the illusion of lust?
but i shall find an excuse worth loving, a sentence worth of praise.
i am a woman.
no, a girl.
but more than that, i cannot feel complete unless i am a pool, half-full, passion rising to the surface, black oil floating on translucent water.
my heart is a pool collecting rivulets of desire in its basin, each drop – the sacred elixir of life. yes, i’ve changed. i used to say why be a man’s wife if you can be his mistress and now i’d rather say nothing at all.
now, i love you and you alone, but –
always a but-
i need the scarlet light to fall upon my form, if only to show off the violent carmine of my bullfighter’s cape.
my whole life is contained in the balance of virginal white and the shade of moonlight casting its fragile rays on lovers in the night. those colours merge to form my blood.
scarlet like the summer bloom of red roses, half-concealed by the shadows of rising sun.
and as i yearn for the chains of desire, wrap threads of red silk around me, dream me up sordid dreams.
i love you as you are, even if sometimes that’s not how it seems.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, alone, always, and, are, around, balance, basin, be, black, blood, bloom, bullfighter, but, cannot, cape, carmine, cast, chains, changed, collect, colours, complete, conceal, contained, could, counter, desire, disbelieved, dream, dreams, drop, each, elixir, even, every, excuse, fall, feel, find, float, form, fragile, full, girl, gotten, groan, had, half, heart, how, illusion, induction, instead, jagged, life, light, lives, love, lovers, loving, lust, man, many, mathematical, me, measure, merge, mistress, moonlight, more, night, no, not, nothing, now, oil, once, only, our, pain, passion, pause, pleasure, pool, praise, prose, prove, quite, ran, rather, rays, red, remains, rise, rising, rivulets, roses, sacred, say, scarlet, seems, sentence, shade, shadow, shall, show, silk, slight, sometimes, sordid, summer, sun, surface, surrender, than, that, those, threads, times, too, towards, translucent, tremor, true, unless, upon, used, violent, virginal, water, we, weak, what, white, whole, why, wife, woman, worth, wrap, wrong, yearn, yes, you
can you tell me, why de ja vu haunts me like a predator stalking its only surviving prey? the de ja vu, embossed with its frenchness. just like you. just like those kisses you plant on my lips, their buds opening in the middle of the darkest nights, as i wake in cold sweat, clammy hands turning on the lights to chase the demons away.
and i realise, that love is french, italian, dominican. but more than that, it’s foreign to all of us. it’s language – mysterious hum in the early-morning air, it’s lands – unbounded by borders, it’s people waking up every morning, just like the rest of us, seductive scent of coffee in their kitchens, shatter of broken cups imprinting its echo on the windows.
and when i think of love, i think of the mess that coffee would make, drops collecting, puddle spreading with every beat of the heart. my mess.
and it doesnt touch you. you’re not really here. not entirely.
and love doesn’t cut you with its broken china or stain your slippers with instant coffee, fresh those marble tiles.
does it touch you at all?
…
it’s been three months now and i’ve nothing to tell me that i’m yours, only a herbarium of those flowers you bought me the day my mother went to the zoo with my little sister in tow.
only a dead plant, in an envelope somewhere, next to Y’s unopened loveletters and the note that X kissed so that a part of him may remain with me forever, or whatever his reasoning was.
and at night, in somebody’s kitchen, in a land far away, my heartbeat keeps the coffee flowing.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged air, all, away, beat, border, bought, broken, bud, buds, can, chase, china, clammy, coffee, cold, collect, cups, cut, darkest, de ja vu, dead, demons, dominican, drop, drops, early, echo, embossed, entirely, envelope, every, far, flowers, flowing, foreign, forever, french, frenchness, fresh, hands, haunt, heart, heartbeat, herbarium, here, him, his, hum, imprint, instant, italian, just, keeps, kiss, kissed, kitchen, kitchens, land, lands, language, letters, light, lights, like, lips, little, love, make, marble, may, me, mess, middle, mither, months, morning, my, mysterious, next, night, note, nothing, now, of, only, open, out, part, people, plant, predator, prey, puddle, realise, really, reasoning, remain, rest, scent, seductive, shatter, sister, slippers, somebody, somewhere, spread, stain, stalk, survive, sweat, tell, that, think, three, tiles, touch, tow, turn, unbounded, unopened, us, wake, wake up, waking, was, went, whatever, window, with, x, y, you, yours, zoo
how many times have i passed this roundabout?
who knows.
i can almost remember the feeling of not knowing where to go next.
and yet i know that the road which led me there is a dead end.
and so, going round in circles again and again.
i just want to say goodbye already, stop the cyclical routine and let the rain wash over me, drop by drop cleansing me of the past, as i wait for the rainbow to make its vapid mark in the sky.
he asks me time and time again: why? and i realise that i have no reply, because i no longer understand the question. what do you mean, why? i retort, my voice like that of a child lost in the woods, the echo lost on the four walls surrounding me.
he doesn’t hear me.
it’s all impersonal. done by text.
that’s how we fight. he’s fighting for this love, me – against it. somehow i know i’m right. there was never any real love. it’s all a lie.
– “I’m not takin no for an answer. This is stupid.”
– “It’s a shame reali but ain’t not goin bak. Sorry”
– “I love you.” … “I miss you.”
and what do i reply to that?
there’s nothing you can reply to that you tell me that when you hold me. hold me just tight enough. just loose enough.
and i can breathe again, the air so clear after the rain.
come. hold me again.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged against, answer, back, breathe, child, circles, clear, come, cycle, cyclical, dead, dead end, drop, echo, end, enough, feeling, fight, for, four, going, hold, impersonal, journey, know, led, lie, life, loose, lost, love, mark, me, mean, miss, never, next, no, nothing, over, pass, past, rain, remember, reply, right, road, round, roundabout, routine, sky, sorry, stupid, surrounding, text, tight, time, times, understand, vapid, voice, wait, walls, wash, why, woods, x, you
glittering soot on her eyelashes 