the world is not bruised blue with hurt.
i know, darkness does not dillute, but switch on the light in your head and see past that. you see those fevrent, glistening patches? their bright lights will get us through; and if you can’t motivate yourself, i’ll motivate you.
just follow them, not me. if i get lost, you’ll get there for me. we’ll be the magi following the star to christ. we’ll be birds migrating back to the lands of their past.
my phone got stolen. it’s bad enough without that. worry covers me in goosebumps, barely visible, like a faint odour on my skin.
all that i am is disconnected from this life and you ask me to be stong. i’m not a rock, but i will be. i’ll find a medusa inside of me and face her head on. the rock of me will hold you up, warmth echoing through the cold, i promise. you are so good to me: i ran to you, banged on your window and you came with me, looked out for me, missed things for me. now it’s my turn.
leave it with me.
how vain i should be to reread my own posts, but sometimes, late at night or early in the morning, i find myself scrolling through the past on the computer, mouthing the words or simply caressing them with my eyes. because within me there is something i have not yet understood. an undercurrent of a river lost in my old, unpracticed tongue.
rio de la plata maybe. or river of the sun.
even the sun has sunspots, darker on the background of virginal white; and so i have the blind spots: i always find them when i try. no light is enough to banish the spot of darkess on my sleeve: the drop of blood refusing to wash off in hot water. it would wash off in the cold, i know, but it’ll never get the chance.
chances are far and in between, don’t you know?
and i find myself every time, unexpected, like red peonies on a rose bush in may.
находжу себе кожен раз в шматку чорного хліба.
but what is there to find, other than the poems i had learnt by heart in years three and five. and seven. wordsworth’s daffodils.
the yellow vibrancy of life.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged always, background, banish, be, because, between, blind, bush, caressing, chance, cold, computer, daffodils, darker, darkness, de, don't, drop, early, enough, even, every, eyes, far, find, five, get, has, have, heart, hot, how, i, in, know, la, late, learnt, life, light, lost, may, maybe, me, morning, mouthing, my, myself, never, night, not, old, on, other, own, past, peonies, plata, poems, posts, red, refuse, reread, rio, river, rose, scrolling, seven, should, simply, sleeve, so, something, sometimes, spot, spots, sun, sunspots, than, them, there, three, through, time, tongue, try, undercurrent, understood, unexpected, unpracticed, vain, vibrancy, virginal, wash, water, what, when, white, within, words, wordsworth, would, years, yellow, yet
do you reckon we could make snow angels without snow? we could scrape ourselves against the ground, delirium of cold seeping through our pores. then, maybe then, our bodies would scrape away the frost from the pavement without drawing blood. maybe the ice will shatter somewhere inside of us. i’m cold tonight and nothing will warm me.
more than anything, i’d like for the sunset to come around again.
more violent this time, more primitive, innate; heat firing my synapses all at once with broken impulses. and i want it to smell of freshly brewed coffee in a little cafe on a little hidden street nobody knows but stumbles onto by chance. we must always roll the die of life. it’s in the eyes. always in the eyes.
yesterday i would have told you it never comes around, but silence came. and now i know true silence is that which lies in the inevitability of it being broken any moment now. suppose it’s like cutting a cake. don’t ask me why.
and when it comes around you can see it lurking like a shadow in the eyes. a vapid corner of pitch black dark. but we are burning embers in the shadows of the light.
come with me: it will be alright.
i have decided that i will be cold tonight.
but i will try to warm you up.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, against, all, alright, always, angels, any, anything, are, around, ask, at, away, being, black, blood, bodies, brewed, broken, burning, by, cafe, cake, came, chance, coffee, cold, come, comes, corner, could, cutting, dark, decided, delirium, dice, die, do, don't, drawing, embers, eyes, firing, freshly, frost, ground, heat, hidden, ice, impulses, inevitablity, innate, inside, it, know, knows, lies, life, light, like, little, lurking, make, maybe, me, moment, more, must, my, never, nobody, nothing, now, of, once, onto, our, pavement, pitch, pores, primitive, reckon, roll, scrape, see, seeping, shadow, shadows, shatter, silence, smell, snow, somewhere, street, stumbles, sunset, suppose, synapses, than, the, this, through, time, told, tonight, true, try, up, us, vapid, violent, want, warm, we, when, which, why, will, with, without, would, yesterday, you
i know the child in you. the one which craves the praise from the lips it longs to kiss. and yet the child cannot accept it, for the twinge of sarcasm ibmursed in the words.
and then you long for the acceptance of your mother, father, brother: their words of praise, like mine, cherished but disbelieved.
what of it? one must live for something.
you live for praise.
i live for love.
the english boy’s resurfaced. just like i predicted, him and the girl broke up. now, he is moving on. moving on me, maybe, but i reckon just moving on to the world. today, he approached me three times. and every time, i bat away his advances with a smile on my face. why should i contemplate burning for him if i am the candle of your life?
too many lives, too many stories and there will be no more parafin, no more wax, no more light. i am aware of that.
i lived through life before you.
now i know it’s enough to burn for you so let S burn for me.
and let the whole world ignite for me. for this love, this kiss, as it opens its bud of sunshine every morning on your lips.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged accept, acceptance, advance, approach, as, aware, away, bat, before, boy, broke, brother, bud, burn, candle, cannot, cherished, child, contemplate, craves, disbelieved, english, enough, every, face, father, for, from, girl, him, his, i, ignite, imbursed, just, kiss, know, let, life, light, lips, live, lived, lives, long, love, many, maybe, me, mine, more, morning, mother, move, must, my, no, now, on, one, open, parafin, praise, predicted, prose, reckon, resurfaced, s, sarcasm, should, smile, something, stories, sunshine, that, their, then, there, this, three, through, time, times, today, too, twinge, wax, what, which, whole, why, with, words, world, yet, you, your
there won’t be an ‘i love you’
not just now
although the feeling’s there
the sun is shining bright
and my heart echoes
the beat of yours
the morning will wash
the stuff of nightmares
if not today.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged although, away, be, beat, bright, echoes, feeling, heart, here, i, just, light, longing, love, morning, my, nightmares, not, now, shining, silent, sometime, still, stuff, sun, the, there, today, up, wash, won't, you, yours