half my life, i’m freefalling, the other half – looking back on the sights i’ve seen in those few moments before my parachute opened, before the maddening rush of adrenaline was curbed by my safety net, the soft fabric above me saving me.
you are that fabric – the fabric of my life spun by the yarn of your love, by the generosity of those hands turning the spindle.
all because you feel responsible for me. or maybe not.
in the end, my life’s my life: a merger of past faces, names, soft hands that once caressed my skin or longed to do so.
and you.
the thread of you’s the thread of me. and i want everyone you know to love me, unbearably, exquisitely so that you know the worth of love. so that you can count broken smiles knowing something inside them breaks for me.
an only child, i knew how to be painfully selfish. i learnt it well, my only teacher – solitude and parents’ love. but here i am, sister in tow, and still that only child rhetoric lives on in me. so once in a while, i feel in need of broken dreams of others to see my hope reflected in those pieces of looking-glass.
and if you can’t blame me who can blame me?
my friend once told me i was cruel to boys, to men, male counterparts. that i was cruel because my skattered gazes never solidified, my touch was soft but vapid, my hands gentle but uncaring. so what? i said it’s my revenge.
and so it is.
as sweet as lemon sorbet melting on my lips.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged above, adrenaline, all, are, as, back, because, before, blame, boys, breaks, broken, can, can't, child, count, counterparts, cruel, curb, dreams, end, exquisitely, fabric, faces, fall, feel, few, free, freefall, friend, gaze, generosity, gentle, glass, half, hands, here, hope, how, in, inside, it, knew, know, learnt, lemon, life, lives, look, looking, love, mad, male, maybe, me, men, merger, moment, my, names, net, never, not, on, once, only, open, other, others, painfully, parachute, parents, past, pieces, reflected, responsible, revenge, rhetoric, rush, safety, said, save, seen, selfish, sights, sister, skattered, smiles, soft, solidified, solitude, something, sorbet, spindle, spun, still, sweet, teacher, that, them, those, told, touch, tow, turn, unbearable, uncaring, vapid, well, what, while, who, worth, yarn, you
How quietly loves pass you by,
Their names – moonless nights
killing postcoital glow.
/
/
How gravely love moulds to hate
or apathy,
mixing into the summer air,
You,
uttering their names,
holding onto that fire
/
Driving fast,
somewhere past
a streetcar named desire,
Burning through memories
Ash scattering ash
/
And
every
spark
hits
the
pavement
like
a
stone
/
You stop to breathe.
You’re not alone.
/
You know I’m here
And this is home.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged air, alone, apathy, ash, breathe, burn, by, desire, drive, every, fast, fire, glow, gravely, hate, here, hit, hold, home, how, is, kill, know, like, love, loves, memories, mix, moon, moulds, name, named, names, night, not, onto, pass, pavement, poems, poetry, postcoital, quietly, scatter, spark, stone, stop, streetcar, summer, their, this, through, to, us, utter, you
we talked about baby names today. not that we’ll have kids. not even that we’d ever want to, but that’s how conversation strays, non, mon ami? and we can laugh and giggle all we want but in the end, would we ever want a family?
it’s not something we have, or at least i have, thought about.
you think i’m not a family sort of girl and maybe i’m not. i don’t tell you enough about myself fro you to really know.
all you know is the way my breath tastes on your tongue and the way my hair flutters in the cold winter wind, ponytail restricting its movement. containing it.
and that’s all you need to know.
aren’t you happy with the piece of thread i stretch out to you, like a life line? the way i pretend there’s nothing else connecting us, because that’s the way i work?
and this is it. this is me. a solitary link in the collective chain, a broken smile amidst the glum faces.
yours and someone else’s.
or maybe not yours at all.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, baby, boy, breath, broken, chain, cold, conect, contain, conversation, enough, faces, family, flutter, giggle, girl, glum, hair, happy, have, is, it, kids, know, laugh, lifeline, maybe, mon ami, my life, myself, names, need, nothing, piece, ponytail, pretent, really, restrict, smile, solitary, someone, something, sort, talk, taste, tell, thought, thread, today, tongue, want, we, wind, winter, work, writing, you, yours
glittering soot on her eyelashes 